The others have said wise things. While my situation was different than yours, I fought hard for my marriage-for years. Jerk threatened to leave but didn't have the ba//s to do it. I finally got fed up with the roller coaster that had become my life. He needed me to tell him I'd be OK without him. He needed to feel he still had control of things. He needed, he needed, he needed. Nothin about what I needed.

So, during one of his tantrums, I told him, "You want to leave? Go." I cried. I cried hard. He tried to comfort me, and I pulled away. I cut the ties right then and there. This was on a Thursday. We had agreed we'd tell the kids together. So Friday night rolls around and I say to him, "Don't you have something to tell the kids?" What? So soon? I told him that he made the choice, it's time to do it. I didn't give him one chance to back out. Now I was in control. We sat down and told the kids Friday evening. Saturday supper time rolls around and he's STILL here. I kicked his a$$ out the door. I told him he wanted to go, he needed to quit stringing me along, he needed to stop giving false hope to the kids, and he needed to pack a suitcase and go. Since he travels a lot for his job this wouldn't be unusual for the kids to see. He would come back when the kids weren't there for more things.

He wanted me to lean on him. I refused to give him that satisfaction. He wanted me to need him. I don't NEED him. At that point I was very sad he had left, but I can stand on my own 2 feet just fie. I refused to be in a relationship that was one way. After probably 6 years of misery, hanging on so desparately, I was able to move on prety quickly once I pushed him out. That was the best decision I ever made. I left no doubt in his mind that he made the decision now he needed to go live with it.

If you have been able to endure staying through all of this, I can tell you you will have the strength to be fine when he's gone. You will have so much more peace in your life. (((Hugs)))

Yes you make good points. But I can't help it that I do want him to stay, I know that what he is doing is wrong and I believe that he will see that to. He is not just moving out, he is moving 1400 miles away. My children will lose their father, my grandchildren will barely know him, there will always be a giant hole in our family. So I fight for that to. We were each others first everythings. Yes, at this time I am second place for him. Maybe I will still be second place even if he comes back. But as I see it all I have left right now is being second place. I am not the kind of woman who wants to be alone. I will never be fulfilled without someone to love. But anyone I find will have had a first wife too. I will be second at best. My only chance of being first again is if my husband decides to come back of his own free will. If he does, I know we could get past this. I know we could be just find again.

Cindy, there could very well be someone out there looking for someone just like you to love and be loved by. Someone that would ALWAYS put you first. Just because they've been married before does not mean you are second. They had not met you. You don't know the circumstances of their dissolved marriage. They didn't put someone else ahead of you...you were not there. But as long as you hold on and continue to be second best to your current H, that person will never meet you. You will never know. Just some food for thought.

One additional thought...can you honestly say you are fulfilled now?

Cindy,

Not to be harsh also, but I gave my ex a number of chances to leave and come back because I thought the same thing... that he would get out there and start missing what we had together, that he would realize what he was doing, and at first he did always ask to come back because he missed us and loved us(me and the boys). But things changed, each time he came back he would try less and less to make things work. In truth, he wanted time to adjust to the idea of being with this new girl, but like your ex, he always wanted to leave that door open. He wanted to feel safe knowing that there was something still there if he needed it, but the fact was he was just doing things in his time, he is the biggest coward I know and he was just going to play the game till he was finished. I had to take control and put an end to it myself. I don't regret letting him come back the times he did, like you I needed that time to know that I had did all that I could. I had no regrets when it came time to tell him to leave and not come back. I may have if I didn't give him chances, but I reached that point where I knew enough was enough. People gave me advice and I took it all to thought, but I knew it was over when I hit that point. I think you are coming slowly to that point yourself. I see the signs in what you are saying and the questions you are asking. Stay strong, read and think about all the posts and in time you will know what you will have to do. I did, it wasn't easy, but it did free me.

Susan

Dear Susan, As usual I could not add a thing to your post in fact I am so glad I read it before I responded to Alone. Your post gave a new twist on Alone's situation for me. Everything has it's season and her's hasn't ended quite yet. Just know Alone that we all care very much about you. We don't want to see you suffer any more pain. I to can see the change which is coming over you lately. I know you are such a strong women to have lasted nine months now. Your husband doesn't deserve such a wonderful women as you are. But no one has the right to tell you when it is time. As Susan I think you will know. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.