Hi! Know you are not alone in facing this horribly sad and confusing choice. My husband is well-educated and not only employed professionally, but is a key figure in the education field in my state where we both work as educators. Like you describe, he was the most amazing person when we first met, dated, and married. Yet, it was not long before he turned emotionally and eventually physically abusive. As you describe he would lash out, then there would be a period where he would do and say such nice things and I would feel so good and think it was okay. This is a typical abuse cycle from what I have learned.

I stuck it out for 13 years, hoping if I said or did or learned just the right thing, he would change. He didn't. Not that I assume he will never change. He was not able to change before I outgrew him and realized I need to be treated right and would not tolerate his abuse any longer.

Be careful on the temper! Mine was verbally abusive for a long time...though I didn't know to call it that at the time. Then he started throwing things, then throwing them at me, little pushes, etc. It was escalating, but I didn't see it. I always trusted he would never hit me. Well he lost it one night (over an argument about him not helping with the chores) and seriously assaulted me. That finally woke me up. He is maybe 60% the nice guy I love, but 40% of him is troubled, insecure, depressive, abusive = dangerous.

You are wise to take things seriously and take some time for yourself to figure out what you need to do. Don't be surprised if it takes you awhile. I always thought it would be a no-brainer with this type of treatment from a man for me. But the love doesn't die out easily, and if you're a caring, compassionate person, you don't stop seeing the side of him you love. It took me a year and a half to decide to follow through with divorce. But I did this while separated so I could get my head clear. Be patient with yourself...take your time, but keep yourself safe.

I know how heart-breaking the part is about your in-laws. I LOVED my in-laws and it's been a whole other grief process to lose them as family. And to not be able to talk with them honestly about what was going on has been awful and felt isolating. Remember it is not easy for them to see something like this about a family member. They don't want to see it. First and foremost, my ex-husband is their son, brother, etc. and they feel allegiance to him, as they should. No one is all bad and they deserve the love and support of their family. So it's hard, but it might be better to not seek them out for support, but instead build your own support system of friends. It hurts so much to do this, I know. I am now exploring what post-divorce relationship I can have with his family now. Luckily, it seems we will stay in touch. But not sure how that will look yet.

Good luck and you've come to a good forum to help you through and to not feel so alone.

You did the right thing for both your sakes. If he really wants to repair this relationship he needs to seek help. He needs anger management! It is a cycle which was quickly escalating and before long you would have experienced physical violence. He would go to jail so you are actually saving him if you look at this way. These abusers eventually turn on the children as well. 22 is the beginning of life not the end. My husband married me with a one year old and a three year old and we have been married 37 years. A good man will love you and your children. We do all love our children with all our hearts and souls and would not trade them for anything. You may want to consider limiting your family for the time being in the future if he is not stable financially or emotionally. Take care of yourself, your children and your unborn child. A new baby will bring great joy and a new lease on life for you. People can change their lives but he has to do the hard work to prove to you and the family he is worthy of you. I can tell you from my own experience with my youngest daughter even parents who love you will soon tire of the cycle. My daughter left my grandson's father over and over through the years. Each time she came home we helped her pick up the pieces and move on. Then she would go back to him. Everything would be wonderful for about a year then it all started all over again. This went on until my grandson was 14 yrs. old. This man never did marry my daughter either. So when she did leave she got very little compared to what she should have gotten. He did finally start abusing my grandson and I stepped in and threatened to call the police. I had my grandson live with me during most of his high school years and now he is off at college. So it gets worse if it isn't dealt with. If he is not responding to your calls he may be angry, moved on or God knows what. You really need to take legal action ASP to get custody of your children. We had an problem with my grandson's father and called the police who stated neither of them had any legal recourse until they went to court to establish custody. So my grandson's father could have taken him and we would have to wait to go to court to get him back. You know him better than anyone. Is he worth your effort? If he is sincere he will start the process to prove to you he can change and be a good husband and father. If not your life isn't over. My first husband and I also seperated during my pregnancy with my youngest. I was crushed but after the baby was born I began to date and meet my husband. I was 25 yrs old when I married my second husband with two little girls whom he has raised and loved as his own. Things seem so bad when your pregnant anyway. Stay with your parents and make plans either way. I think you realize by going back it will just be more of the same. Make him work hard if he wants to regain his family. He will value you and the children so much more that way. Our prayers are with you.

I'm going to say something totally different. Go find an attorney real fast...because you can lose your kids for taking them.

You are up against him and his entire family. Know your legal rights. Abusive men usually will try to take custody of the kids...

Sweetie: I am 64 and got a divorce when I was in my late 50's.......The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.

Trust me, unless the abuser gets into therapy and spends perhaps YEARS getting help for their issues, they will never change.

Take advantage of the resources available to you; counseling, etc.

Love, Alicia

Alicia, that is a great book and I was going over it yesterday. Another book is Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That? It is very upfront and powerful about why men abuse. I am 52 and have been divorced for 5 years and my ex still tries to make my life miserable. My sons have not spoken to me in 4 years and he encourages it. I can honestly say without tears, it is their problem not mine. I have offered apologies to my sons but get cussed out as a response.
I can move on with my life with knowing I will never be called a name again.