I wish I could figure this out too! Though my ex did some horrible things, and deep down I know divorcing him was the choice I had to make, I miss him and us very much and regularly.

So far, the only remedies I've found that work are:

As one other person replied to you, minimize or have no contact until you can emotionally disconnect and contact no longer hurts.

Do things you love as you can that make you feel valued -- focus on you and building a new, beautiful life that maximizes your gifts as the wonderful person you are. (So hard...I know...it's so easy to get sucked into the rabbit hole of grief...or to thinking about him and what was, or god forbid, as I have been having to contend with, him and his new girlfriend!)

Surround yourself with as many supportive friends as you can and don't hesitate to email, call, text them if you are having an unbearable stretch of time. The strong friends will put up with you and "sit" with you in your confusion and grief.

Oh...I've also recently realized that I just can't cry away the pain. I've wept so long and so hard for almost two years! All I get are puffy eyes and a bad night's sleep...I think maybe we just have to let the pain live inside us and ebb as it is able, and when it surfaces, say, "hello, pain." And let it be there. If this makes any sense. I find if I get into the pain, it's like going into a black abyss.

Hang in there. Everyone tells me this does get easier.

That you for your nice message. I try very hard to stay out of contact with him. However, in themiddle of the night when all I think about is how he is not next to me and he is with her it makes me crazy. All I want to do is talk to him and see him again. He is now in a different state than I am so I don't see him. I miss him and us so much every day. He does not contact me unless I tell him I want to talk. I know I should not contact him but it just hurts so much and I miss him so much. Even after finding out about the affairs I still want him back and I want to get help to make our life together work again. I am the only one that wants that and I know how pitiful that makes me. I just don't know how to let go of that. I was with him for 34 years and I never wanted the divorce. How do I let go of what could have been. If only he would just come back and try I know it would be ok, that is how I think every day and I just can't seem to get that out of my thoughts.
I would love to move on and just stop thinking about him all together. but, as long as I am still in our house with our things around and our pictures and memories I just can't seem to move past wanting him back. I am trying to sell the house and can not afford to move until that is done so i am stuck. I have packed up many things that I can't stand to see and I am selling most of the "our" things but until the house sells I can't get rid of it all. What a mess, I just want to get past this part and that does not seem to be happening.

You are not pathetic. We have all been where you are, and many of us are there now. You are right that it takes 2, and if he doesn't want it you can not do anything about it. Our hearts don't always keep up with our heads. I just sold our place, have to be out in 3 weeks. So as I'm going through things to start packing it's a walk down Memory Lane. Ugh! Could you move to another bedroom in your home so it isn't the "our" room? Some people have mentioned rearranging furniture so it doesn't feel quite so much like it was when he was still there. The more you are able to build a life that doesn't involve him, the less you will mess the "us". Force yourself to try something new, something the 2 of you haven't done together. Thinking of you...

Gosh, I know about the waking in the night and thinking about the loss, the missing, and the him with her! I try not to! I try to think of nice things (flowers, spring, other friends, fantasies...), but it's still such a strong pull. I can't wait until this phase is over. I think the only real remedy is time, and maybe even some hints of new romance at some point...But for now, it's a bummer with my sleep.

I too stayed in the house and he left quite a bit of stuff behind when we separated. At first I thought that was no big deal, but I've recently realized that every time I see any of it, it reopens the lost hope and the hurt he caused. So I'm gradually packing it all up and replacing it with my own decorations. I've asked him for a time line to take all of his things. I wanted to be nice and store it, but I just can't.

It is a bit freeing, each box I put away. But it's also so sad...it's a mixed thing.

I so know what you are going through...

Dear Ladies, It seems that those that responded to this post have been married to these men the greater part of their lives. I really do think as bad as it sounds it would be easier if they had died instead of left. There is always that nagging hope that eats into our souls that somehow we can fix this. I truely feel 99% of us won't be able to fix anything. You see they have made such a mess of so many lives it would be far easier for them to start over (as they have) with someone else then look themselves in the mirror and know each day how they have destroyed their lives. I am a advocate of theraphy and support groups. I really think for most they need to find someone else to love to fill the hole in their hearts. Very few of us want to be alone. I am working on my marriage and must say I have had to go more miles then my husband to try and change things. We have yet to get into the really hard stuff we need to discuss. I also want to stay in my 37 year marriage. I know my husband truely loves me and doesn't want a divorce either. We have rekindled our love life and it is like being newly weds again. I have always had a stronger sex drive than him believe it or not. Even though I'm 62 I feel sexy and really love that part of our relationship. We have never had issues with fidelity thank God! I know I had a hard time moving on from my first marriage and it wasn't until I meet my husband that I was able to put that to rest. Many women in our age brackets will be able to still meet good men. There are alot of widowers who were good husbands and miss the married life. They maybe would not have the problems some divorced men might have. Try the singles groups at your churches. Let friends know you are interested in meeting someone else. These unfaithful men are a threat to your physical as well as mental health. There is a huge rise in STD's in the senior communities. I wish there was an answer to our pain but the bitter pill is TIME. It takes time and I pray for your relief from the pain.

Bridget - I could have written what you posted. I am in exactly the same situation, although its 21yrs.
I wake at night aching for the physical touch of us, knowing he is in bed with a woman who is 15yrs younger than me. I feel old and worthless and now think he left me because I was old and not as attractive as his new mattress is. (I find the word mattress less offensive! but funnier!)

I weep constantly for no reason other than my heart is broken and I feel so wounded. I told my Mum I think I am suffering from depression as this has been going on for over 12mths now.

I only just found out about the new woman and her child a few weeks ago and it kills me.

I am the same, if only he would have given us a go, not just packed up and run away. He couldn't face his guilt so its easier to move on and take his guilt with him.

I hate life so much at the moment I could stay in bed all day and cry, but as you ladies say, it only gets me puffy eyes, and I am so over puffy eyes :(

Living in our house which he now refers to as "the property" no longer his home, this is so sad as we built it from the ground up and it was all mostly planned by him, it was what he wanted. Now he wants no part of it, I don't get it. I did make him take boxes which I packed up with his things in them, that also was so hard to see him leave with his car packed and leaving me behind. He has no idea how much grief I suffer daily.

Anyway, thanks for listening ladies and Alone I don't think I could have done what you are doing, you are a beautiful person and I admire your strength. Hang in there everyone we will get through this

thank you Jo for your response. It helps to see that I am not alone in this. We were married 34 years and now divorced 6 months. I never wanted the divorce and still don't. I know it would not be right or even good for me to be back with him but I just can't stop missing him and the us part. If I was in a place where I could meet people and not have to deal with selling everything I love so much maybe things wouldn't be so bad. I have horses and goats that I have to sell. I have had one of the horses for almost 15 years and I love her dearly. It kills me that I have to give up and get rid of almost everything because hewas not man enough to do the right thing. but even with that said, I still miss him. I talked to him on the phone tonight and I asked him if he will ever see me again, his answer was just this "I don't know, I have to go now bye". so what did I do, sat at the table and cried, alone. I just wish it was a year from now and all of this was over with.
I hope you are able to get past this part soon and be happy. Thank you all for this forum and for all the thoughts.