This is called, "emotional blackmail"---if he can get you to feel sorry for him.....

Life is about choice....he made his choice with his violence. If he truly is remorseful, etc...gets it, etc...he will go and get help on his OWN.

I would tell him that until or unless he gets help for at LEAST a year, you will not have contact with him. Usually an abuser won't get help,and even if they do, it can takes YEARS....they have a lot of issues they have never dealt with.

Abusers always promise they will "never do it again." They always do.

They/he is like an angry upset child who feels punished and can't understand why.

you can't be his parent; you made the right decision for you and your children.

yes, your leaving WAS "clear enough" he just doesn't want to accept it and like a child keeps asking: WHY?

He made a choice (violence), the consequence was you needed to leave.

you aren't deserting him in his hour of need.....he deserted YOU by abusing you and your children.

Don't let your guilt stop you from doing what you need to; trust me, if you go back the behavior (violence) will happen again. Don't be a victim....every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted in the U.S.

Allow him to experience the consequences of his behavior......if he is truly sorry, he will see a therapist specifically trained in violent behavior......if not, well you will know, he will keep begging you and eventually, if you don't go back....

He will show you his anger. It is a choice.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.

The key being a therapist who specializes in violent behavior...in my experience, a regular therapist won't help him...he or she will only engage your spouse in the "content" of your arguments (like, should you ask him to fold laundry, how should he respond, etc. -- useless!) or they will visit family upbringing dynamics, further opening up the core hurt of inadequacy he feels which makes him abusive, thereby making him even more abusive...and a regular therapist will seek to bolster your spouse's self esteem, thereby making him feel more justified for his abusive actions. It's good therapists that make this mistake.

Couple's counseling is not affective either...it gives the abuser the message that the abuse is both of your faults. Not good! I know, we tried both. It has to be a program or therapist who knows how to change abuse...and it takes a long time.

I found "Love Without Hurt" a helpful book as well-- it will help you see how to step out of this pattern for yourself and get in touch with your core value. It will help you see how much he has to address and how.

Stay strong! You made a safe choice. Just keep restating clearly, you don't feel safe with him. I am still telling my spouse this AFTER two years since he hit me, after counseling, after divorce, and he still doesn't quite own it.

I agree whole heartedly with Allison - you are deserting him, you are keeping you and your children safe. He deserted you when he chose violence.

You already told him in the past that if he does it again you are leaving. He obviously didn't believe you. He thinks he can do anything he wants and you will accept it. If you go back, he will think the same thing. Sure he had a work a little more at it but he still got you to come back, and he will be confident of getting you back next time too. He doesn't yet believe that you are really leaving.

If he were serious, he would going to great lengths to get you back. Going to anger managerment counseling (not marriage), seeing the boys every day, talking about what he is doing to make it safe for you and the boys to come home. Instead he begging and crying for you to come back, but is not truly offering you anything more but the same treatment.

I for one am very proud of you. You had the courage to do what so many woman do not. I should have left my husband after six years of marriage, the first time someone accused him of molesting their daughter. But instead I believed him when he said he did not do it. Because I stayed my own daughters were hurt. I would do anything to undo the damage I have done by staying so I have to say it again...YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. I am not an advocate of divorce, which is why I stayed for 17 more years, but I belive now that there are some good reasons. Am I saying I think you should get a divorce? No! What I am saying is that you were right to leave until he seriously gets help. By the time my husband seriously got help it was too late for us. Our lives have been forever altered by his choices. My children's lives have been forever altered by his choices. I would give anything to be able to go back 17 years and do things differently for the sake of my children and my own as well. Stay strong and don't give in until he gets help.