I believe it all has to do with getting to the point that it is 100% over. Our heads know it but sometimes our hearts just don't catch up. I have been married twice and it took about five years after my first divorce to finally get to the point were it did not matter to me any more. I had a wonderful ex and I was the bad guy in the divorce. I knew I was probably making a mistake and it took so long for me to get over that. I did get to the point where I actually went to my ex's wedding which was 14 years after our divorce was final. You will also come to a point where it brings no emotions one way or another. It just takes time and sometimes a lot of time. Usually that happens when someone else comes into your life. You will be happy and complete one day without the ex's. Praying for peace of mind for all of us.

Kathleen,
I can relate to your last post. I was married before at the age of 21. We got divorced after 3 years & it was my fault. I was insecure & very needy at the time. It took me 5 years to get over it as well. This guy was the perfect match for me. I still think about him, wishing our marriage had worked out, even during my current marriage. I suppose you learn with every relationship. I take some comfort in knowing that my stbx was the major toxic element in our relationship. My stbx is a kind man but he really wasn't too emotional & nurturing, things you want in a best friend. I am struggling & have been for the past 2 yrs. I have to constantly remind myself that my husband compulsively lied to me & cheated on me. I agree that once you start dating & engaging in a healthy relationship one may have a different perception of the ex. I suppose it's sometimes difficult to realize how unhappy & lacking my marriage was until I have an emotional & close relationship. At first, I felt the need to start dating but now I don't have any interest in dating. I have been going through the divorce process for almost 1-1/2 years. My husband hasn't been communicating to his lawyer or me. At this point, I have no idea what his intent is or if he will abide by the marital settlement that we both agreed to. It has been difficult b/c I have no closure. I get lonely b/c I live alone & away from my family. I hope being alone & sorting through the pain & confusion will make me a stronger, more independent woman.

Newlife,

My ex was the same way about the things he would say or do without thinking or caring. At first I was so lost and hurt because I could not understand how my ex could be so cruel in some of the things he said and did. An example would be that one day shortly after he moved out of the house and in with her he made the comment, "Susan, you should meet her in time, you would like her, she is really very nice."

"What the @#$#^%." I thought to myself. Is he for real. Yes, he was for real and like you I discovered he did not do these things to be mean to me, but rather because he was so selfish he did not even realize the words that would come out of his mouth. I would have to agree with you....Unbelievable dense.

Susan

Hi! Mine said the exact same thing to me! Shortly after he told me he was seeing someone - "You would like her. She's a really nice lady." I said, "No, I will not 'like' her. She is dating my ex-husband and we just got divorced. I'm still sad about that." Duh!

But lately I am thinking while it's partly narcissism and denseness, on some level I think he wants to prove to me or show me up that he is desirable and capable (since I left him and asked him for divorce because he was abusive)...like he is saying, "See how fast I found someone else? See how easily I become a 'good' partner for someone else?" Like he is trying to convince himself..."I am not really an abuser. It was just the combination of me and my ex-wife, or it was her fault..."

And, to make it even more complex, I also suspect, he wants my acceptance, like she can become part of our now fractured/defunct "family" if he tells me stuff about his time with her. To the extent that I have contact (I'm trying hard not to have much), he still treats me like his wife. And so it's like now there's another "wife" in the picture. Yuck. No thank you!!

Yesterday he almost went so far as to propose that we have cheap dog care (saving a house sitter or kennel cost) by relying on her or her kids to take him when there is need. I said, no thank you. I will pay for the house sitter. AND he invited me to a music show on the green in her home town in mid summer. Like, "the show is so cool, you should come!" It's a bit twisted. But I guess strangely normal on some level...since we hope to some day have a distant post-marriage friendship, it's like he wants my acceptance/forgiveness so he can feel okay.

On some level, I have forgiven him for the assault and verbal abuse...but I'm still really angry about it and hurt by it and I hold him responsible for his actions. And I'm angry he's not holding himself responsible by taking some time for himself to address his own needs and issues before leaping to the next thing. So acceptance? Well it is what it is -- it's what he's doing to try to feel "okay." But approval? No way. Letting her "in" to my life? Or even all the images he seems to be able to implant in my brain in one quick sentence while I try to talk with him about the dog (the dog is having medical issues...) - like the them reading stories by the campfire, or going out in a rowboat, or sleeping in a tent with our dog, or now, going to a bluegrass show on the town green. I don't want those images. He just doesn't get that!

If it were me I would give him the whole box of books and let him dig through it himself.

My ex and I fought frequently over HIS stuff. He is a pack rat. Unless you are were married to one you can have NO idea how much stuff I am talking about. Fights were mostly about him bringing home more and then complaining that "I" didn't make it a PRIORITY to make sure he had the money to work on all his projects since I was the one paying the bills. We lived well within our means, YES not much in savings but we didn't owe alot in credit either.

He was given 4 months to get his stuff off of my property (our house was going to be mine after the divorce). Couldn't do it (actually he could have but chose to do other things with his time. So the Judge gave him 2 more months and told him that if he didn't have it gone he (ex would have to pay me $500 a week till it was gone). Really ****** him off but lite a fire under his ass.

Most of his stuff he moved to a piece of property I own with my brother. I bought it with my inheritance so he had somewhere to store things under cover and maybe I could park in our two car garage (which still didn't happen). Made him pay a reasonable rent and yet he was still ******* Guess I was supposed to let him store it there for free for the rest of his life. It's been almost a year and I was thinking about not renewing his lease. Mostly because if he were to die I'd still get stuck dealing with his crap. The only child close is our 15 year old and I can't put that burden on him. I used to say I had to die first because I didn't want to deal with it. Talked to my brother about it and he said ex was planning to clear everything out so lets give it another year. Got an email from ex saying he would not be renewing the lease and would have everything gone by the end of the lease period. Whoo Hoo

Really ****** me off that those things that were SO important to him (more so then me) are now expendable since he has to pay to keep them.

I know had I not charged him rent he would have never gotten rid of anything and I would have been stick with dealing with it sooner or later.

Sorry this became more about me then you. Give him a deadline to come and get his stuff. If you have a Lawyer send it through him. Be clear and say that anything not picked up by a certain date becomes yours to do with as you please.

Good luck.

We are selling the place, and guess who's left to clean up all the $h*t Jerk didn't take with him. It's not "stuff" he's claimed as his, but junk he acquired and then realized it's junk. Like moving isn't hard enough already! The house isn't bad to clean out...if it was in the house it was probably 'important' so he took it with him. Found a few odds and ends in the basement-no big deal. But the outside buildings-YIKES! Don't know how I'll get it alld one by my move out date.

Becky,

I don't know if you have this business service where you live, but we have some companies that if called they come out with trucks and take unwanted junk from attics, basements etc and charge little because I guess they make money off of finds or scraping material. My neighbor and I were thinking about renting a dumpster between us and just getting rid of large items and other odds and ends that just sit around here. My sister and I are planning a yard sale first. Can you do anything like this or is it just complete junk?

Susan

Becky,
Sorry your the one that has to clean up his mess. You did make me realize that for ONCE I was almost glad my Ex was such a pack rat that I made a issue about HIM taking care of his stuff in our divorce.

Mine was a pack rat too! In fact, one of our most heated issues was his affinity for stopping at every yard sale and pile of junk on the side of the road and bringing stuff home. One time he brought home a bowling ball. He doesn't bowl. I said, what are you going to do with that? He said you could put it in your garden as a decoration! lol! In a way, it was kind of charming and artsy to me that he does this. But I soon realized when it started to pile up in all corners of the house and garage and shed and when he was getting angry that I was protesting, it is actually not cool.

His apartment right now is stuff to the seams and stuff is piled everywhere. It's overwhelming. The worst I have ever seen of him "collecting." I guess his new girlfriend must not mind...