Sorry I haven't been around as much. With a few important deadlines rapidly approaching (thesis delivery and my cat being sent to my parents yay I get to keep him) I have been getting more and more angry at my ex.
I feel the need to spill the whole story so I hope I don't bug people with this.
I still feel hurt that I gave up so much to move out to another country to be with him. I gave up a job I enjoyed and being close to my family to go be with him in his home country which is actually rather hostile to foreigners. I took a job cleaning toilets because he was studying and his scholarship didn't cover everything. He used the studying as an excuse for not getting a job. I went to school to learn the national language and worked nights to try to make ends meet.

Then he got cancer. Everything came to a halt while he was busy being diagnosed and the responsibility fell on me to get bills paid so when he got out of the hospital he would have a home to return to. It was here I discovered a massive debt with the bank and discovered we were close to being evicted. I was still reeling from the fact my love was possibly dying (his first diagnosis was more serious than what he actually had) and was unprepared to deal with truth that he was hiding his debt from me. I was lucky to enlist to help of both our families due to the extenuating circumstances. But still I was mad at him for keeping this from me and told him that this kind of secrecy was not okay.

He beat cancer through chemo and surgery and I continued supporting us by cleaning businesses and private homes and learning the language. When I finally finished the language I discovered that I needed further education to compete in the job market in his country. So I eventually started on my own education because I was tired of being a college educated housekeeper and janitor. In the meantime, he informed everyone that he had finished his own education and was receiving a stipend while he searched for his first job. This extra income was the sole reason we started looking for a new apartment because he wanted to move out of the neighborhood we were living in. We couldn't afford it otherwise. I also started a new job again to make ends meet and possibly save up for a house and to have a child together. Well I was never able to save up because I kept getting "surprise bills" the heat needed paying, cell, and internet kept disappearing because bills were not getting paid. He promised to transfer money to me to help pay for books. I got overdrafted repeatedly because his promises proved to be empty. He blamed the bank. He blamed the companies. I ended up blaming him. Then he stopped doing housework and because we had moved way out of town, it fell on me to do the grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, and bill paying while going to school and working. He took out the trash and more or less complained that I wasn't pregnant yet. I begged him for counseling. He didn't see a problem and didn't want to spend the money on a problem we didn't have.

After a few months of this, I could see him growing more distant and spending more time online communicating with various people online, including a woman who is now his girlfriend. He insisted that there was nothing wrong with his relationship with these people and after awhile I just got tired of fighting him about it. Then I broke a toe and couldn't walk, or work. He didn't lift a finger to help. I was still expected to do everything as I always had. That was the last straw. I finally told him that I didn't want kids anymore and that our marriage was not okay and that I was considering a divorce. He panicked and yelled and more or less blamed me for being unreasonable. Then I went to visit my parents and brother in the states to get my head on straight and think about things.

We tried counseling as long as he paid for half of it. He broke that promise too. Even though he said he had found a job at that point. Then we were called into court again for an unpaid bill I said that was it. I moved out. We split things up and he said canceled the apartment. Fast forward a month or so, we finally get officially separated and bills come out of the woodwork, because he hadn't canceled the apartment and had not paid the utilities like he signed off he had. Once again furious angry because he once again has broken a promise.

A month later, he finally comes clean. He hasn't been studying since we started dating. He hasn't been working either. He would pretend to go to school, and later pretend to go to work. And he had done this for 6 YEARS.

In that instance, the only things I was sure of was that I was married and that this man had in fact had cancer.

I feel betrayed that I moved out there for him and he used me to finance his laziness. He didn't lift a finger to help me when I needed it, he badgered me about finding a job when he signed a contract saying he would provide financial support for me. I feel duped even though his family didn't know either. And I'm angry that this incident is still all about him. He feels so guilty but so relieved that he has come clean about this enormous deception.

And it may sound odd but I mourn. I wanted a child so badly but we couldn't have one without help. Help we couldn't afford. And as dumb as it sounds when I see my friends happily having babies a small part of me hurt even more because... well I wanted that too. I wanted a happy marriage and to start a family. I worked for it... but it takes two. I feel like he took that away from me, a happy marriage and a child.

Sorry this has been such a pity party. Still mourning though.

Your story is almost to tragic to believe. I understand how hard it must be for you. You were living with someone other than the man you married. He is a very very very troubled individual!!!!!!!!!
This is just a short chapter in your life. Someday it will all seem like a bad dream. I'm so glad you are going home to your family. You are a very amazing women to have completed your education under such conditions. You should write a book about this it would be a best seller. It is never to late to become a mother one way or another. Just thank God you did not have a child with this sick man. You can now go on with your life and not have to look back. Please keep posting so we know how you are doing. Your cat can be your baby for now. Our thoughts and prayers go with you. Do not hesitate to get your divorce. He may try and get you to pay spousal support if you get a job in the states. I worked for a man whose daughter married someone like your husband he did the most horrible thing. He was taking her, her daughter and her daughters boy friend to Hawaai. Well the day they were to leave he faked a heart attack because there never was any trip to Hawaai. When the wife finally filed for divorce it was a nightmare. No children, short term marriage and he wanted to have visitation with her 16 year old daughter who only knew him alittle over 3 years and spousal support. Thank God he got neither. So run as fast as you can away from this stranger. He is not the man you thought you married and will destroy your life if you let him.

I agree with Kathleen... run! Get a divorce as quickly as you can and mark this one up as a learning experience.

I know it's hard believe, I not even sure I would believe it myself if it hadn't actually happened.

I'm running. If all goes according to plan, I will be divorced by August 3. If not well I will try again in February, as it requires a six month separation if both parties agree or a year if one party wants a divorce. He already has a new girlfriend so I think he will sign. I'm praying he won't seek spousal support but as it stands, I don't have a job so he has nothing to seek. Hoping to end this as quickly as it can.

You can do this! You have survived everything so far with grace and courage. Ask him to sign the divorce papers in front of the girlfriend if you can stand to do that. He will have to sign or she will get very upset. This may be alittle much for you and I would certainly appreciate that. You can't be that old so your life is all in front of you. I hope you will be in a position to seek some counseling as you may suffer from some form of post tramatic stress after this horrific experience. Let your family comfort and love you and you will heal from this. Just try not to let this taint any future relationships. This is not something that happens very often and I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Stay strong and we're all pulling for you.