I am just like you. I am furious. I cannot believe the poor excuse of a man he has become because of big foot (OW). The flea(ex) thinks the world revolves around him and everybody should kiss his behind or they are not worthy. I was treated that way for 20 yrs and now I see how he is kissing big foots @ss and it p*sses me off. I cannot believe he just threw my kids away to raise another's man kid. God only knows how furious I am. I know I need to get over and move on, but I just can't seem to. If you ever find away to get over it and move on let me. I have read that it is a process and sometime we just get stuck and we need to work through it. Let's hope we can soon move pass it. Take care.

Dear Just Me, I am so sorry for all your sorrow. It is devastating to lose so much which was a lifetime to accumulate. He, the marriage and the assets are gone now. It is possible to build a new life from the scorched earth he has left you. How long ago was the divorce final? It is possible to revisit the court process and maybe get some of what you were denied the first go round. Did you have a lawyer? His threats were most likely empty unless there is a history of domestic violence. If there is a history and there is any record maybe this could be brought up. I don't know what state you live in but I'm in California which is a community property state and there are alot of safeguards for me here. My marriage has been 37 years. It appears my husband and I are on the path to reconciliation. We haven't yet ironed out all the details. My husband is a very controlling man and when I took that control away he became very angry and hurtful to me. We both did not act appropriately towards one in other. I did not have anything to do with him and was very resentful for years, literally years on end. He in turn became very selfish and controlling with our monies and assets. It was like a downward spiral. We're not out of the woods yet but I am very hopeful. We have both realized there still is enough love and caring to build a relationship back again. I am trying to do my part and then some. I share this with you because I know I allowed my anger and resentment to polute my life. It stole my happiness, security, and reason for living. Believe it or not my filling for divorce has actually turned into a gift for me. I have had to do alot of self examination and found I had let a large part of my situation happen to myself by being uninvolved with my own destiny. I truely believe as women we are infact the stronger sex in many important areas of life. You have been gravely wronged and abused and now towards the later part of life thrown to the wolves. But I sense in your posts there still is a strength in you that he wasn't able to rob you of. You can rebuild a good life. Well it be easy, probably not. You are a survivor or you would not have lasted all those years with this poor excuse of a man. Some of the ladies have written things down to help them get a better picture of where they are. I can only guess there are serious financial problems you must face. Ask for help! We all need help throughout our lives. Caring and sharing are things that seperate us from the animals some of us called husbands. Know we are here for you. Trust me it does feel good and impowering to start taking back our lives. I have faith that you can do this. Keep posting. You can say anything you need to us. We are not here to judge each other but to give love, hope, advice and hopefully some peace. You are in all our thoughts and prayers.

Good. You should be mad. Being mad is the only thing that is going to NOT allow him to get away with everything.

They always think we love them so much that we will let them get away with not having to do the right thing. Like we used to. Then they are surprised when we hold them accountable and let the attorneys and the state hold them accountable. Then THEY get mad, poor babies.

Use your anger to channel your bigger and better life. Remember the best revenge is to look better, live better and be happier than you ever were when you were married. He like most former spouses will prove to be his own worst enemy. Then your anger will turn to amusement. They are oh so entertaining but hopefully by then you won't even be aware of what he is doing because your new life will be so wonderful and you will have moved on.

Anyway, that is my hope for you and me and everyone else on the forum.

SAM

Hi there...Anger is a tricky thing. On the one hand, you are totally entitled to it and probably need to feel it and let it have a lot of airtime. I think a lot of women tend to suppress anger to be the healers and fixers of the world and of their relationships. They tend to be nice caretakers. Society encourages us to be that way, and it encourages men to rage whenever they want and take whatever they need from the caretakers. It's been that way for a long time. So feel your anger and let it out for sure!

However, anger and resentment can keep you trapped in the past, in the hurt, in the relationship and dynamic that made you angry in the first place. Anger can prevent you from getting in touch with the important parts of you that make you amazing and keep you from creating the beautiful life (and eventually beautiful relationship) that you DESERVE and that you worked so hard to be able to get to by divorcing your ex. It's your life now -- do you want to spend the time you have left on feeling ****** at him, or on loving you?

I know it's hard...I was just responding to another person here about being trapped in the anger/resentment -- guilt/sadness/missing/loving cycle. It's pretty normal I think. And I'm still there much of the time myself. But the goal is to try to move forward a little bit at a time in order to leave that cycle behind.

The best thing that I have found to doing that, is to focus squarely and only on me - on the things that I love to do in life...no matter what they are - picking flowers for the kitchen counter, talking on the phone with a girlfriend and actually asking about and listening to her life and her struggles, rather than processing my story of tragedy one more time, playing guitar, or even volunteering to help someone who needs help. I find when I do that, the anger--sadness cycle fades into the background. Instead of blasting like a heavy metal band, it just hums in the background and does not control my life. And I find I get just a teeny bit stronger so the next time it surfaces, I can get out of it sooner.

AND, when I want to vent my anger, or question how I can possibly still love and miss someone who treated me so badly, or complain about how come he gets to have this great new romantic relationship and new family one month after the divorce after being such a jerk to me...I come to this chat and say whatever I am feeling because I know you all have felt it too and understand.

All the best...