I also still want to communicate with my ex, even though all we do is argue when we talk to eachother. I never owned horses, but have been around them in a different capactiy for many years and have seen how people love them. It is painful to have to sell them. Trying to sell your place is always there, on your mind. Not knowing where you will be after it is sold is a constant question.

Today's real estate market is very slow and while the horses might be a financial drain, in the back of my mind I have to wonder if you can turn this around where you can make enough to support yourself and the farm. Boarding and showing clients' horses can be very lucrative.

It's like you are in a tornado with everything swirling around and not knowing how it will end. You will end up on your feet!

I have just been through a lot of what you are going through. All you can do is keep plugging along, one day, or even just one minute at a time.

These ex's are all alike in that they want to be 16 year old boys living in a man's life, but without the responsibility to others. Oh, they have plenty of responsibility when it comes to what they want and what they do... and like a teen, they want the world to revolve around them. I know. I was married to a selfish, spoiled, demanding little brat and I take responsibility for letting my love blind myself to what my ex really is.

As time goes on though, you will be able to conquer being sucked back into those feelings for him. It takes time, because you really did and do love him with a true heart, but healing comes, I promise. I felt the same as you at first...angry and hurt and yet the love was still there and so were the bonds I had with him, but it happened. Slowly I began to heal and allowed myself to see that you can't really love someone who doesn't really know what love is in the first place.

These men are shallow, they know lust, they know guilt, they know to care in a shallow sort of way, but they missed the boat when it comes to trust, commitment, sacrifice, compassion, loyalty, honesty....these are all things that come when you open up your heart and truly love someone. Sure, these men can act a lot of these feelings out to get what they want, but to actually feel these feelings is a whole different story. To feel, you have to live deeply and have compassion for others as well as your self and if you ask me what I think, I feel men like this are or, are bordering on, sociopaths.

Not the extreme ones, but the everyday ones around us that thrive on self want and need and can suck the love and living life right out of you. I suggest some of you Google the word sociopath to see a list of characteristics. A friend of mine who knew my ex as well, told me to do this and when I did I found a list of 15 characteristics and it stated that if a person displayed at least 3 or more they could possible be a sociopath...Well, my ex had all but one or two. But the reason I am stating this is because whether or not your ex is a sociopath...but he is displaying these characteristics...the articles also tell you how to avoid or try to keep people like this out of your life.

Just to give you an example sociopaths are people who live life as if they are in the center of their own world, the are very friendly and social because they can manipulate people into getting what they want from them. They are people who do not really experience feelings but know how to use the feelings of others. They like to know they are in control and do not usually conform to or hold to rules or morals, but expect everyone else to. I could go on and on, but if anyone is interested it is easy to look up. Oh and one more thing...sociopaths feel that if someone is slipping away from them, they will give just enough of whatever to get you back and then return to who they are when they know your feelings have hooked you back in again. Don't let your ex's do the same to you.

Just something to think about.
Susan

I so understand what you are saying about being left to clean it all up. Jerk left and took what he wanted. As I am trying to get ready to move I have thrown out load of stuff that was his, stuff he brought here and now I have to deal with. I have to clean the whold place up, the place he wouldn't keep cleaned up. He is a pack rat, he isn't neat about ANYTHING, he just piles up junk and I have to clean it out.

I can't imagine the pain associated with selling your pets. I am able to keep all of my pets. Is this something you need to do for financial reasons, or is it something you are doing so you are able to move on? Are there options for keeping a horse and boarding it somewhere?

Your emotional roller coaster is one we read about so often on this site. You are not alone with those emotions. It sounds like your divorce is finalized, so IMO do not call him, do not answer his phone calls, do not text him. There is not reason to communicate with him. When you feel the need, pick up the phone and call a friend, come on this site and write to us, go for a walk WITHOUT your phone. Do what you have to do to keep yourself busy until you are able to get past the feeling of needing to talk to him.

Thinking of you.

Hi there. I have been struggling with exactly the same thing! My ex did not cheat (that I know of for sure...he did tend to find a woman to spend "platonic" time with whenever we had an adversity to contend with...and so he had a few of those over the years), but rather he was abusive, emotionally and then physically. So one would think, after a year and a half of being separated, and with the divorce being final, and having a clear picture through counseling and books and friends that he is narcissistic, resentful, lacks empathy, and uses his partner to blame and abuse so he can escape his feelings of inadequacy, that I would just be out of love and happy to be free from that.

But like you, I tend to go on this back and forth cycle, from being angry, to being so sad and missing married life and him (because he does have a lot of good qualities too...very few people are all good or all bad...). And I think to myself, "what, are you crazy?! Why do you even feel this way anymore?!" I say to myself, "Why do you question your decision? Why do you feel guilty for ending it? Why do you worry you are missing out on a long happy life with him?"

Because life was not happy with him. In fact I know I now have to heal my mind and heart from the damage he did, the damage that my trying so hard to stay and please and make it work allowed him to do. The fact that I have to consciously and deeply heal my thinking and my way of being around the man in my life due to his treatment should be all the reason I need to stop missing and caring. But it's not. There were also many good moments and of course those surface and make me sad.

I guess I'm just realizing that love is not rational, and it doesn't just die off because we decide to stand up and say no, I deserve better.

I too am watching him just ride happily off into the sunset - he's found not only an "instant new girlfriend" and they act like they've been married for 20 years, but an "instant new family." How fair is that? Meanwhile, I'm choosing to take some time to heal and think and change myself for the better.

I am a horse person too...I can totally feel your pain. I chose to buy the house we lived in from him, though it maxed out my finances, because I wanted the comfort and stability of the house and neighbors I love. Like another person posted in response to your post, is there any way you can keep your horses and farm? Could you get a roommate? Sue him for some alimony? You shouldn't have to lose all you care about because he was careless with your marriage.

Hope this helps...I know how you feel!!

I don't think I could even add anything to the beautiful posts all the ladies have added here. I am very saddened yet hopeful all at the same time. You all show me pain, hurt, regret yet also strength, determination, beautiful souls, and most of all hope. You are all such an unbelievable group of fine women! Maybe these men realized they paled in comparison to you all and could not and did not feel worthy and thats why they did what they did. In other words they just weren't good enough for you. I wish there was a pill we could all take to heal us quickly but there isn't. New life experiences is the only pill to make us better. So ladies don't just work at cleaning up their mess go our and have some new life experiences! You have so many that care about you here do they have that many who really respect and care about them. NO!!!!!!!!!!

It's simple...He doesn't want you anymore. It can't get clearer than that! I wouldn't bother trying to contact him ever again....but that's me.

Try placing an ad for a couple to come rent part of the farm. You get rental income and the people would get to run the farm as they see fit (hopefully make some money at it.) Do you have room for people to live and work on the farm?

I live near a blueberry farm and this family rents it...maybe you can look for help like that.

I wouldn't sell all your horses...just some of them.

Thank you all for all the advise and heartfelt words.

I can not affort to stay on the farm and because of how remote it is I would not feel comfortable with anyone else living with me. I do have a family who is trying to sell their house so they can buy the ffarm and they have become friends. They also want to keep the two horses that mean the most to me and my outside dog who was born here on the farm. That alone would help me tremendously.
But, until that happens I still have to be here in the middle of all the memories.
You see my ex was not mean, never yelled or raised his voice to me, never abused me at all. We always had fun together, did everything together and were the couple everyone use to say "I hope we can be as happy as you two are when we have been married that long". I truly thought we were just fine and had no idea anything was wrong. I loved my life, my fmily and most of all my husband. I loved doing things together and so did he, or so I thought.
I begged him to stay after I found out about this affair. I pleaded and cried and screamed and practically crawed on my knees to him and begged him to stay and work it out. I had no idea what started him cheating or what had happened.
Once we were divorced I really think he had second thoughts. He would cry and tell me he was so sorry for everything and he was so sorry for hurting me. Then I found out from him that this was not the first affair, there had been others over the years. It just does not register with me that I could have lived with this man for 34 years, loved this man with my whole heart for 34 years and not knows something was going on. It is just so hard for me to now turn off all those feelings. Yes he has done this to me know but up until the minute I found out about the affair there was not one thing that would have made me stop loving him. I think it would almost be better if he has started being abusive, at least verbably or something so I had something to put my finger on and say There, that is why I don't love him anymore. I don't know who is worse, him for what he did to our life or me for wanting him to still come back and try and make it work? I just hope I can forget all those feelings and stop carring about him and even stop ever thinking about him and move on. But, right now I still want him back. Just have to get hit in the head hard enough to make me stop that I guess.

Bridgit, your emotional pain must be overwhelming. I am so sorry you are going through this.

It almost, but not quite, sounds like maybe you two should try again, if you are both willing. I just don't know if that would be what I would do after finding out there were multiple affairs. The pain would be too much for me and I know I wouldn't be able to take it. Mayber you are stronger than I am.

Bridget, so much of what you said sounds just like my life. It was nearly 30 years for me. And though I was mostly happy, I have seen since the separation and coming divorce that all my energy went to keeping him happy. His needs. His wants. Nothing for me. I loved totally and unconditionally. He showed love as long as he was getting as much sex as he thought was necessary. Things didn't go his way, and he would be distant and mean. I know I deserve better. And as devastated as I was when he left and when I found out about the cheating, I also found a sense of freedom I have never had. It was always all about him. Everything. I hold onto that feeling of freedom, and also the fact that he went looking for someone else to screw, basically, and that has helped with my feelings and emotions toward him. I feel mostly disgust now. I find that if I don't talk to him, it really helps. I would get emotional hearing his voice, so I told him I would no longer speak with him on the phone. I didn't explain, just told him that is how it is. All I do is text him, and only when necessary. Our divorce papers are nearly done, and most things go through the lawyers. We are selling the house, so I will have to deal with him some until that is over. And like you, I am doing all the work to prepare for the selling. Ticks me off. I recommend not speaking with him and keeping contact to absolute minimum. That is how I am able to deal with this. I know it is so hard. I have days of thinking he will get his head out of his @ss one day, but then I know I wouldn't want him back. I could never trust him again. You have to know that is true for you, too. I am sorry for your pain. I really know how it is.