I don't think I could even add anything to the beautiful posts all the ladies have added here. I am very saddened yet hopeful all at the same time. You all show me pain, hurt, regret yet also strength, determination, beautiful souls, and most of all hope. You are all such an unbelievable group of fine women! Maybe these men realized they paled in comparison to you all and could not and did not feel worthy and thats why they did what they did. In other words they just weren't good enough for you. I wish there was a pill we could all take to heal us quickly but there isn't. New life experiences is the only pill to make us better. So ladies don't just work at cleaning up their mess go our and have some new life experiences! You have so many that care about you here do they have that many who really respect and care about them. NO!!!!!!!!!!

It's simple...He doesn't want you anymore. It can't get clearer than that! I wouldn't bother trying to contact him ever again....but that's me.

Try placing an ad for a couple to come rent part of the farm. You get rental income and the people would get to run the farm as they see fit (hopefully make some money at it.) Do you have room for people to live and work on the farm?

I live near a blueberry farm and this family rents it...maybe you can look for help like that.

I wouldn't sell all your horses...just some of them.

Thank you all for all the advise and heartfelt words.

I can not affort to stay on the farm and because of how remote it is I would not feel comfortable with anyone else living with me. I do have a family who is trying to sell their house so they can buy the ffarm and they have become friends. They also want to keep the two horses that mean the most to me and my outside dog who was born here on the farm. That alone would help me tremendously.
But, until that happens I still have to be here in the middle of all the memories.
You see my ex was not mean, never yelled or raised his voice to me, never abused me at all. We always had fun together, did everything together and were the couple everyone use to say "I hope we can be as happy as you two are when we have been married that long". I truly thought we were just fine and had no idea anything was wrong. I loved my life, my fmily and most of all my husband. I loved doing things together and so did he, or so I thought.
I begged him to stay after I found out about this affair. I pleaded and cried and screamed and practically crawed on my knees to him and begged him to stay and work it out. I had no idea what started him cheating or what had happened.
Once we were divorced I really think he had second thoughts. He would cry and tell me he was so sorry for everything and he was so sorry for hurting me. Then I found out from him that this was not the first affair, there had been others over the years. It just does not register with me that I could have lived with this man for 34 years, loved this man with my whole heart for 34 years and not knows something was going on. It is just so hard for me to now turn off all those feelings. Yes he has done this to me know but up until the minute I found out about the affair there was not one thing that would have made me stop loving him. I think it would almost be better if he has started being abusive, at least verbably or something so I had something to put my finger on and say There, that is why I don't love him anymore. I don't know who is worse, him for what he did to our life or me for wanting him to still come back and try and make it work? I just hope I can forget all those feelings and stop carring about him and even stop ever thinking about him and move on. But, right now I still want him back. Just have to get hit in the head hard enough to make me stop that I guess.

Bridgit, your emotional pain must be overwhelming. I am so sorry you are going through this.

It almost, but not quite, sounds like maybe you two should try again, if you are both willing. I just don't know if that would be what I would do after finding out there were multiple affairs. The pain would be too much for me and I know I wouldn't be able to take it. Mayber you are stronger than I am.

Bridget, so much of what you said sounds just like my life. It was nearly 30 years for me. And though I was mostly happy, I have seen since the separation and coming divorce that all my energy went to keeping him happy. His needs. His wants. Nothing for me. I loved totally and unconditionally. He showed love as long as he was getting as much sex as he thought was necessary. Things didn't go his way, and he would be distant and mean. I know I deserve better. And as devastated as I was when he left and when I found out about the cheating, I also found a sense of freedom I have never had. It was always all about him. Everything. I hold onto that feeling of freedom, and also the fact that he went looking for someone else to screw, basically, and that has helped with my feelings and emotions toward him. I feel mostly disgust now. I find that if I don't talk to him, it really helps. I would get emotional hearing his voice, so I told him I would no longer speak with him on the phone. I didn't explain, just told him that is how it is. All I do is text him, and only when necessary. Our divorce papers are nearly done, and most things go through the lawyers. We are selling the house, so I will have to deal with him some until that is over. And like you, I am doing all the work to prepare for the selling. Ticks me off. I recommend not speaking with him and keeping contact to absolute minimum. That is how I am able to deal with this. I know it is so hard. I have days of thinking he will get his head out of his @ss one day, but then I know I wouldn't want him back. I could never trust him again. You have to know that is true for you, too. I am sorry for your pain. I really know how it is.