Bridget, I don't recall from your previous posts if you are in any kind of counseling or therapy. If you are not, a counselor may be able to help you work through some of these emotions. I have seen a counselor a few times, and it really has helped me.

Dear Bridget, I am so sorry for your pain and regrets. I to have a very long term marriage of 37 years. This feels like your whole life has been ripped away from you. Every memory, every moment, just gone like amnesia stealing our past. This hurts so deeply and is probably the worst thing which has ever happened or will happen to you in your whole life. I can only tell you with my first marriage I made some horrible mistakes, the worst mistakes a wife could ever make. I wanted to save my marriage at all cost. I lost everything! I lost my happiness, self respect,dignity. All of it just gone. I was begging my husband come back to me. (I was actually having his baby then and it was the worst experience of my life) However eventually I started to date. I meet my current husband. It is so sad but I had finally moved on with my life and that is when my first husband came to me and begged me to try again. He realized he was losing his wife, home, family and everything he found out was most important to him. It was just to late for me and I didn't want to be his wife any longer. I married my husband and we have been married for 37 years now. I know there is alot of difference if you have been married 5 yrs (length of my first marriage) verses a lifetime and also at 25 (when I married my second husband) verses 50s or 60s. I think we will make much better wives the second and third times as we will learn from our mistakes. I think the ex's are going to make far worse mates as most of them have learned, to hurt, cheat,and abandon those who love them. I agree that you do need counseling. There was absolutely nothing I could do or say which would bring my first husband back to me. Not even having his one and only child did it. He had to do it in his own time. Mind you he is and was a wonderful husband. I destroyed our marriage myself so could not and do not fault him at all. By going on with your life you will appear much more attractive to him. Wait until he has some kind of crisis with the OW which is going to happen trust me. He may be ready to try again however you must start living your life to go on without him. Don't let him steal this from you also. You still have a long life in front of you which you now can create for yourself. I pray for your relief in the anguish. I have been there myself.

Dear Bridget, in so many ways I could have written your post myself. Looking back over my marriage of 32 years I too realize that I was taking him for granted at least for the last several years. I always took care of him but I wasn't giving it enough attention. I do think that my withdrawal was in reaction to his. He had withdrawn from me a long time before I made almost a consious decision to step back because I was so tired of always giving and giving and asking for things that were seldom returned. My mistake was in believing him when he said the marriage was fine as far as he was concerned. I honestly thought he had issues with depression, (I still think that's part of it). NEVER did I think he would leave the marriage for someone else. Like you, I didn't realize how much he meant to me until I was faced with losing him. Like you I just want a chance. Things are so much better between us now. I know we can make our marriage work and I KNOW we would be just fine. But with the OW in the picture, I have not had anywhere near a fair chance. How can I with her standing between us? I feel your heartbreak too Bridget. I cannot seem to stop hoping. I do not want to start my life over at the age of 53. I do not for a minute believe that anyone else would ever mean anywhere near as much to me as he does. I cannot understand how they ever could. But I also do not want to be alone for the rest of m life. I haven't been any help to you I know but maybe it will ease the pain just a tiny bit to know that someone else understands it.
Becky is right counseling may help. And Kathleen I know you are right. I need to move on. I am probably just feeding myself more hope but I have always felt deeply that my husband is just caught in a situation he can't seem to control. Once he finally goes to her, I hope and pray that he will see his mistake and return home where he belongs. I have ben advised by many to show myself as happy, sucessfully moving on without him even now, while we are still living together. I am trying but it is extremely difficult to be happy and vivacious, to be all things that are attractive, when you are still living a nightmare. I go back and forth between great days and days where I am so sad and unsure of myself. I still want the marriage more than anything andf I believe that our living together is the only way I have any chance of saving it. But at the same time, more and more, I feel that I am being untrue to myself by putting up with the situation. I have no clue how to resolve those two things.

Hi Alone,

Did you ask him if he wants to work on your marriage? Did you ask him what did he want from you that he didn't get? Are you willing and ready to give him what he wants from you? What do you want from him? Is he willing and ready to give you what you want? And if he is not, will you be still happy with him? What do you and he want your marriage to be like? Based on the answers, you will know what you need to do. Good luck.

"To Our Inner Peace"
Mai Bordelon :)
The Coach for Divorced Women
http://thecoachfordivorcedwomen.com
FREE Special Report "Fabulous Life After Divorce”
http://lifecoachingcorner.com
Blog Website
maibordelon@yahoo.com
520-481-1201

Mai, He says he loves me, but he does't want the marriage because he doesn't want to give up his girlfriend. He will not tell me why, that is what is killing me. Things are better than ever now thanks to my efforts during the last months. He has made some changes too, such as commuicating much more and he says that things are better too. But I do feel like I need a reason why he doesn't want the marriage to work and he will not give me one.

Hi Alone,

You said things are better than ever now thanks to your efforts and some on his part; so are you content with having him the way you do now? How long do you think you can go on with this situation between you and him? Are you happy enough with what he is willing to give you, even though you don't know why he doesn't want the marriage to work? Only you can decide what is the best for you; be at peace with whatever choice you come to. You are the only one who is responsible for your happiness. He may induce it but you are the one who makes yourself happy, and you have the power to do it; just like all of us do.

"To Our Inner Peace"
Mai Bordelon :)
The Coach for Divorced Women
http://thecoachfordivorcedwomen.com
FREE Special Report "Fabulous Life After Divorce”
http://lifecoachingcorner.com
Blog Website
maibordelon@yahoo.com
520-481-1201

Hi Mai,
I am happy enough for now but it can't go on this way forever. I do not know when I will reach the absolute breaking point. It has been my hope all along that I could wait this thing out. He is seperated from the OW by 1400 miles. They will have been reconnected for a year later this month. From the day I found out in August he has always said that he would leave to go to her. He has told our children that it is impossible for her to come here. However, except for him pushing the divorce through, nothing has happened to make him leaving possible. He has not looked for a job or done any of the things here that he is bound by the divorce papers to do. (making repairs on the house). A few weeks ago I asked him if he was delayng in the hope that she would change her mind and agree to move here. He admitted that was at least partially his motive for the delay. I have continued with the marriage in the hope that she will eventually get impatient and end things with him or that he will see all that he is giving up if he goes and decide she isn't worth it. Our improved relationship has made this all so much more difficult for me. He has also said on many occasions that if it weren't for her he would be very willing to try to work things out with me. I am torn about what to do. We had originally agreed that he would move from our home as soon as the divorce is final but he is now saying that he might not want to move out yet. When he said that my answer was that I wasn't sure I wanted him to stay. As many have said, if he moves out he might realize what he is missing with me. However, I know him well as do my daughters and we feel that he will be pushed closer to her if I am even somewhat out of the picture. I would wait forever if I knew I would get the result I want. But of course there is no way to know that and meanwhile I am delaying my own healing and prolonging my own pain. At 53, I do feel that my time is limited to find a new relationship and I do think that I would want one if I am forced to that point.

Hi Bridget,

Did you ask him if he wanted to work on your marriage to be sure that you are the only one who wants another chance? If he doesn't want to work on your marriage at all, then would you want to work on achieving what you consider the next best thing for you? Or would you want to use your precious time pining after someone who doesn't want you? And if he wants to make your marriage work then ask yourself the questions I wrote for Alone. Good luck.


"To Our Inner Peace"
Mai Bordelon :)
The Coach for Divorced Women
http://thecoachfordivorcedwomen.com
FREE Special Report "Fabulous Life After Divorce”
http://lifecoachingcorner.com
Blog Website
maibordelon@yahoo.com
520-481-1201

Bridget,

You ask if anyone has any ideas on how to stop wanting to "make it work". Like the other people responding, I am hoping I can help.

You deserve to be happy in life. You deserve to be treated well. You deserve respect. And in the absence of being happy, treated well and respected, you have the right to change - your mind, your situation, your life.

What if you do want something that may never happen? Are you willing to be unhappy until never comes? Are you willing to be mistreated and disrespected until then, too? I hope your answer is no. I hope you consider the idea of changing - your mind, situation and life.

Change is scary. It's unpredictible, too. Disposing of an unappreciative spouse is not fun, and most of us hesitate at the thought of it. However, the rewards of change may be greater than the consequences and temporary discomfort. You CAN be happy! You CAN be treated well! And while divorce can be scary, it CAN be the best thing that ever happened to you!

I am living proof of that, and so are many, many others who have been willing to embrace positive change.

You are the only one who can answer how you can make yourself stop wanting to make it work. But perhaps by considering what you deserve and what you can have, it will bring you to your best answer.

You deserve to be happy in life, Bridget. I have faith that you'll find it.

Thank you all so much for the kind words and good advise. I think the worst thing for me, besides being the only one who wanted our marriage to work, is that I am stuck here on the farm I love having to sell everything including the animals. I am the one who has to go through evrything in the house, all the memories, all the things we did together that are now so painful to see. If the farm would sell and once I get all the animals to new homes then I can move on and change my life. Right now I am kind of stuck. Every time I go through another box os our things, or pack up our pictures etc etc it just brings it all back. I have talked to a counselor, I do have wonderful friends that have been there for me and I do have a wonderful son who has been my rock through it all. (his wife cheated on him and left him 3 years ago so he knows exactly how feel)
I do have many things to be thankful for and I know that. The hardest thing is I still love him, I was with him for over 34 years, more of my life was with him than without him. It is just so hard to turn 34 years off. He has started to be nice and almost makes me think he cares, that is until he is on his way back to the OW. He travels for work so will only talk to me during the week when he is away from her. I know i should just cut him off completely and I have tried very hard to do that, the longest I have lasted is 2 weeks. I just want to stop missig him, stop missing us. We did everything together when he was home and I miss that. I hate living alone. I now that in time things will get better and like I said once everything sells then i can move on with my life. But, this part, the part where I am stuck here is the hardest. I did go out and get a job and I start next week. I am hoping that helps. As long as I am busy during the day I am fine, never think about him or cry but it is at night when I am alone and just want someone to put their arm around me that it hurts somuch. Hard to turn all the memories off then.
I truly hope we all can get through this time in our lives and come out so much better than we ever thought it could be. I look forward to that time.
Thank you again Ladies, you are the best.

Something that stands out so clear to me when reading posts on this site is that we can be going through similar things and we all react differently There are no right ways to feel, or wrong ways to feel for that matter. It is such an individual thing.

I know it really helps me to have young kids at home in that there really isn't down time. They make sure of that. As I'm cleaning up the mess Jerk left behind, rather than feeling the sadness I am more and more glad he's gone. I've always had to clean up after him. He took what he wanted and I'm left to clean up all of the junk. How is that fair? It's not. But nothing about this is fair. So I have thrown a ton of stuff, donated some, and have a ton to go before our mvoing date, which is a week away. And he calls last night and says, "So how's the packing going?" Of course he didn't offer to help clean up the junk left behind.

I agree with what you said Becky. Like you my ex will call me and tell me he is so sorry for hurting me and puting me through this but will not life a finger to help me go through everything in the house and sell it all, along with the house and farm animals. He is all talk and I am sure he tells others that he offers to help all the time, never. Not once has he offered to come here and help me do any of this. I am sure even if he wanted to SHE wouldn't let him. I just want to see the day she throws him out or better yet cheated on him and let him come crying to me. That would be just the best revenge ever.