He actually went to his mothers. He is placing blame on me for everything. He is telling my friends that it was all me and that he didn't do anything wrong. We have no children just dogs and he loves those dogs like his kids. He doesen't even ask about them. When I saw him he looked lost and confused.

Don't feel it is your fault. He is jus as f^cked up as all our husbands. I'm sorry to say so, but your husband is a jerk.... Normal men, who really want "two re discover" themselves would do it with the support of their loving wives.
I do understand it must be very painfull but you do need to stay strong.

I have to agree with Kathleen. My ex did not want to admit he was having an affair until he could no longer deny the evidence I had. He said he was confused and needed to find himself. He wanted to be happy and like all the other men blamed whatever he could on me to others, to me and to himself. These men have to pull what I call the "big lie"...because they not only have to lie to others but they have to lie to themselves in order to free themselves of any guilt for going off with another woman. I can not be 100% positive that your husband has someone waiting for him...but from how you describe his behavior and what he is saying... I can be almost 99.9% sure.

Susan

Dear Confused,

Sometimes we don't get straight answers, but this is a time when the focus should be on you and your feelings, not his.

Let's pretend that you decided to just that - focus on you. It is quite possible that divorce is coming. Do you know anything about the divorce process? Do you know what is already yours by law in case a divorce happens? Is it possible that during this "limbo" time in your marriage your spouse is learning these same things himself, thereby gaining a "headstart" on you?

I've researched divorce quite a bit, been through one myself, too. What I have found is that in most cases, the one who leaves or announces intention to divorce first usually has a better grasp of the legal and financial end of it. By leaving the other spouse "in the dark" (or in your case, confused), they can gain advantage in the divorce settlement agreement details.

While you may not feel like divorcing, and may not know anything about it, I urge you to focus on you and how your finances would be affected by divorce. In some states, a spouse who moves out of the marital home puts him- or herself at a disadvantage. If so in your case, his error could be a good thing for you! There are other things to know, too - best to learn them now rather than be blindsided by them later.

As soon as the "d" word was uttered during my marriage, I focused on the things I needed to know and do during divorce rather than my feelings (or his) about it. Rather, I did the "business" part of divorce part of the day and alotted special time to focus on my feelings during another. I advocate anyone going through a divorce to separate the "emotional" from the "business". Whatever you feel is valid, but get the work done asap.

It's quite possible that your spouse just wants some free time away from you and is acting out in order to do so. That could be why he's in limbo - he wants his cake (time off of the marriage) and eat it, too (come back whenever he feels like it). If so, then you going about your business (of divorce) could have a quite a sobering affect on him. It could move him out of the "limbo" and into or out of the marriage, whichever way it's going to happen anyhow.

So don't be confused - focus on you and your feelings. He'll either come around or he won't, but in the meantime don't sit on your hands. Show him that your life can go on without him, and you'll find out if he's staying or going very soon!

Hope this post helps!

These so called men are all the same. My ex still to this day can not say he cheated and lied. We have been divorced 8 months. He lives with her now. I had all the proof and he has since told me there were two other short affairs during our 34 year marriage. I have no idea why he still can't say the words. He can not admit to any lie, not lies to me, our kids or even to his slut. He came back here and was sleeping with me before the divorce was final and telling her he was staying in a hotel and not seeing me at all. We were together every minute unless he was working. So he cheated and lied to me, to her to everyone and still can not admit it. I truly don't understand how their minds work (or I guess don't work)
I am struggling to try and change my feelings towards him. I miss him every minute. Even knowing all he did I still miss him. I know in my head that he is no good and I sould never ever have anything to do with him again but I just have not conviiced my heart of that fact. I do not want to waste my life waiting for him to see the light and I do not want to be stuck here in this place of missing him and wanting him back, but I just have to convince my heart to stop that. I am trying and starting a new job this next week may help, I hope.
This is all so confusing to all of us. Especially the ones who have been married so long and had no idea anything was going on. They have thrown away everything and left all of us to clean up after them. But, that said - we are women and we are stronger than we think. One way or another we will all come out of this better and stronger. Someone else is waiting out there for us if only to be a companion but something will be better in time.
Take care ladies and hang in there.

What would I think? I'd think he's a coward and has no b*//s. When my ex decided to leave I went to speak to his father. Come to find out his dad had been encouraging him to leave me because my expectations were too high. (I expected him to be a husband and a father, not a drunk and a run around.) The apple doesn't fall far from the tree I guess. Jerk just didn't know how to go about it-leaving me. Really? So Jerk now lives with his Daddy-he can have him. Life is much better now that he's gone. Hang in there. It's a long, tough process, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep us posted.

I'm not confused anymore. He finally came out and asked for the divorce.

It sucks to have to be here, but for those of us that are, this forum is a great place to be. Let us know how you're doing.

Doing ok but miss him very much.

We all understand...

I agree with Deborah. It's ok to grieve, but find a good lawyer and protect yourself.