Vicki, it is the worst pain I have ever felt, so I know what you mean. I was married nearly 30 years, and he left for another woman. I was thinking about it today, we had our anniversary in August, a trip to DC in September and as far as I knew everything was ok. Then in November sometime, he went looking for someone to screw around with. It's crazy. It makes no sense. My oldest even told him that if he went forward with leaving and made no effort to work things out, she would not have anything to do with him. He didn't care, or didn't believe her. Because less than a month after he left, he filed for divorce.

I can give you some encouragement though. It has been just over 5 months since he left, and by the grace of God, I am surviving. I have a bad day here and there, but mostly, I am moving forward. The pain is not what it was. I have my two grown daughters to keep me company--one has a 3 year old, one is expecting in October. And I have a dear friend who is always there for me, plus have found a wonderful church where I get encouragement. It does get better, but it does take some effort to find what will help you along. For me it is my faith. Without it I would be lost.

My heart goes out to you. You and I seem to feel the same. I was married for 34 years and I had no idea there was something wrong. He traveled for work and when he came home he always told me how much he loved and missed me. Then I find out about the affair he had been involved in for the previously 8 months. I just couldn't believe, and still can't, that my best friend and husband could look me right in the eye and lie and cheat on me. He has recently told me that the reason he didn't want to work to fix our marriage (again, I didn't know it needed fixing) is because he couldn't imagine never seeing her again. Instead he is never seeing me again. i just don't get it and it is so hard to let go.
The only thing I can tell you is I do have some good days and not every day is killing me anymore. I still want him back and have a hard time not staying in touch with him so this week I am trying very very hard to not contact him in any way.
Good luck to you and keep coming on here and talking. It really is good for you and we all know what you are going through.

Dear Vicky, This is such a common theme on this site, husbands in long term marriages leaving for long lost loves from high school. Your husband must be crazy! The red flags are flying all over the place here! There is a reason she has never married and never lived with anyone. I don't know who is going to be more disappointed if he does go him or her when the real life reality sets in. It seems these men all ( including my husband) have this ability to just harden their hearts. I think it is a way they have to protect their emotions. As the others have replied it takes time to go through the grief. I do in my heart think once they betray us in this way even if they did come back it would never work out again. God knows my first husband and I tryed to work it out but there were just to many hurt feelings and mistrust to go back again. It is a time to rebuild your life. It seems the ladies who fair the best either have a new love interest or get very busy with new things. Nothing takes away the pain but it can be dulled by putting you first. I'm really sorry about your friends. It is odd but it is like we have a virus and they are afraid they might catch it. It is curious though that marriage problems can be reflected onto others. They get insecure in their own relationships because if it can happen to you it can happen to them. There is also compassion fatigue. I think this site is so helpful because we are all going through similar experiences and understand. It is time to get new friends as well. A divorce recovery group or singles group is nice because they are also on the same page as you. This time in your life will pass. You have lived long enough now to know life truely does go on. Getting a full happier life is the best thing you can do to recover from this. I've said this before but there are alot of fine good men who have been widowed who loved their wives, were loyal and miss being married. This is an idea of where to seek a new love interest. I'm by no means suggesting you check to obituaries but a grieving recovery or singles group through a church might be a good area to go to. Also believe it or not so is a dating web site if you do your homework real well. If you are not up for seeking a new relationship then giving back to others by doing some kind of volunteer work is helpful. Many therapist recommend this for depression. I wish there was some one thing which would spare us all this pain but it is a process with many steps and they all have to be dealt with the heal. Just know the ladies here care and understand. Post often.

Something else I thought of - I saw a quote somewhere, probably on this site, that has helped me a lot. "The world is round. Sometimes what seems like the end can also be the beginning." I really love that! I remnd myself of this along with praying for GOD to give me the strength to get through whatever the day brings me, several times a day as needed. I also remind myself that I am determined to be the "Best woman I can possibly be, no matter what." Lots of days, my best isn't very good at all but I keep striving for it. I WILL NOT let this destroy me.

Wow! What a blessing to have such beautiful, spirited women respond to my post. I'd been feeling so lost and alone. Your responses have helped so much. Your words of wisdom and words of encouragement remind me that I can get through this. Life throws many things at us. I've always managed to get through and survive. It's hard for me to ask for help and I have always been the friend that others have turned to during hard times. Maybe it's hard for them to see me in a weakened state or maybe they just choose not to look past my answer of "I'm fine" and see what my eyes are saying. This forum gives me the opportunity to say that I am devastated, scared, hurt, angry, etc.....

The books all tell me that in order to "divorce" myself from Rob, I'm supposed to think of all the negatives about him. I don't want to live that way. I think it would prolong my recovery process. It seems to me that being indifferent would be healthier. Is this true? Can we ever truly be indifferent? Do you ever finally come to a place where you no longer feel like a "wife"? After all these years together, I find it hard to imagine that. Still, the logical part of me knows that can't be true.

I still shake my head in disbelief that all of this has even happened. I beat myself up because I missed how truly depressed he was about his job situation. Looking back, I can see that this is the start of Rob losing himself. By mutual agreement, I did not work outside the home, although I was very busy with volunteer work and school board things. The pressure he placed on himself took its toll. Now he wants to escape from everything he once held dear and try to relive him childhood. GAG! Ladies....don't you wish we could just check out sometimes? But one parent has to be the grown-up. My friends would tell you that if they were betting people, they would have placed money on me going goofy, not him. Oh well. Today is a new day and God has got my back. I've got two sons that are so good to their Mama and I have this forum to release my heartache. I'm grateful for your responses. May we all come out of this as happier and healthier women.