Hi there...I am looking for some encouragment or perhaps some advice from someone who's been there....
I am 28 years old, I have been with my husband for 9 years. We have only been married for 1.5 years. We have 2 children.
I have gotten to the point where I am just so fed up! Leaving him or telling him to leave crosses my mind on a daily basis.
He is one of the most SELFISH people I have ever met and he is also emotionally abusive to me - not on a daily basis, but it takes very little to set him off.
As far as our 2 children go, I am on maternity leave and he is working - I expect to be the primary caretaker of our children but he helps me out very little. I can count the number of times he's got up with children in the morning and let me sleep (even though on vacation!!). If I hand our 8 month old son to him for him to hold he say's "what?" as though he needs an explanation for why i can't hold him (ie. I have to go the bathroom). He has never bathed our baby. He is absolutely unwilling to brush our 3 year old's teeth, he is unwilling to properly put him to bed...he prefers just to let him sit on his lap while he watching whatever sport/movie that is on and just let him fall asleep. Our 8 month old had a 5 month ordeal of terrible colic, he literally cried from when he woke up until late hours of the evening, he barely napped..and if he did it was only for 20 minutes at a time. During this time I got very little support, if I asked for assistance he would try for a short period to help..then hand the baby back to me saying "there's something wrong with him"...."you need to take him to the Dr."...well thanks a lot! Not only was I left to deal with the colicky baby on my own but for the most part the 3 year old was my responsibility too...I could go on and on and on with examples of his selfishness...but here are a few that I just can't get past:
1)In the week leading up to our baby's birth he became annoyed with me because I was past my due date...he told me if I had a doctor instead of a midwife this would have never happened...in saying this he said several times "I told you you shouldn't have had a midwife"....although he took absolutely no interest in anything that went on during my pregnancy. The reason he was annoyed that I was past my due date was because he had plans (he referees ice hockey) and didn't want to have to change them...so sure enough, I started going into labour on the night was to referee hockey....I found myself nervous, questioning whether this was really it...I asked him to call someone else to do the game for him, he was annoyed....he even said "why does it matter if I'm there, your mom and my mom will be there"..he ended up being there...but how awful and unsupportive is that...
2) Following our baby's birth he had jaundice, the whole midwife experience during the birth and following was brutal (again he continued to say "I told you not to get a midwife"), so I toook my son to a pediatrician when he was 5 days old..the dr sent me tot he hospital for bloodwork immediately .....my husband was extremely ****** off that we had to go for the bloodwork, again he went off about the midwfie thing....he made a bad thing even worse, I was 5 days post partum, 2nd degree tear, no sleep and I had to take my 5 day old for bloodwork as he scream his head off and I had to hold him down....I cried all through the bloodwork...it ended up the baby had to be admitted for phototherapy, my husband told me "I don't like the way you went about it"...I had to get my mom to watch our 3 year old, because apparently this wasn't worth taking work off for..
3)In the first 2 months after the baby was born, my husband left me alone me times with both kids to go smoke pot....I found this out on my own, he didn't admit it.
4)While I was pregnant he would get ****** anytime I had to work (especially if it interfered with baseball!) he didn't want to watch our 3 year old...he told me many times, "your money is just extra"...I am a registered nurse, I make good money...I'm pretty sure it's not just "extra"...I tried to explain to him that the money he makes doesn't even cover our bills, let alone all the extras he buys for himself..so guess what...i'm on mat leave now, making 800 biweekly...we have no money and he wants me to go back to work!!! go figure!

On top of his selfishness he is also a pathological LIAR...
he lies about anything an everything....
most recently...
our son has a specialist appt...it's on a thursday..i asked him to ask a co-worker to switch shifts with him so he could care for our 3 year old.
first he tells me the co-worker has vacation the week after and he doesn't want to screw him over...i find thats a lie...confront him...next he says he wont ask the coworker because he knows he has plans that day...yeah right...he could care less that I have to take our baby an hour away to an appt..won't even make an attempt to get the day off....SELFISH and why lie???
The lies are endless...
Basically, there is no friendship between us..he sits there watches TV, talks when he wants, more often than not when I try to talk to him he ignores me because he's so focused on the TV...if I call him on it he gets irritated...he swears in front of the kids, watches violent movies...he has no good qualities as far as I'm concerned...he spends money like crazy on himself (junk..sports equipment), he even buys other people drinks, lends money out when we are broke! He is fake in front of others...unaffectionate....I have fed up to the max...
I don't know how to go about getting out of this, we own a house together, neither of us could afford it on our own..I couldn't bear to have to share our kids with him...
what do I do?????

First of all, YOU do NOT "set him off"---abuse is a CHOICE.......we always have a choice in our behavior.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse.

He is slowly teaching abuse, and changing their lives every day.

I would first of all call a women's shelter and/or abuse hotline.....get all of the education, information you can, so if you decide to leave, you will already have a plan in place.

It is doubtful he will change (most abusers do not)...at some point he may turn violent: 1 in 3 women are abused and every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted.

you can't 'worry" about him; you have to protect yourself and your children. Get all of the information and resources you can to make a good choice for you and your children.

Hugs, Alicia

Thanks for that...I'm going to look up that book right now on Ebay!

Dear Isla, I am so sorry for your pain. I would really not have any other children at least for now with this man. He sounds really, really, really not mature and selfish. The fact that he lies alot really troubles me. Does he lie just to you to avoid doing something he doesn't want to do or not to have you call him on something? I think it is past time for this young man to have a reality check. I'm sure he loves his children but wants you to do all the work. I guess his actions are a form of abuse but you didn't indicate there was any physical abuse. You need to have a meeting with him when the children go to sleep. I would set your boundaries with him. His behavior is unexceptable. I would start with your finances. Sit down and explain the bare facts of it to him. You might also explain that there doesn't seem to be very much benefit to you in this marriage and that it benefits him more than you or the children. He has been able to act this way until now and needs a real good icewater bath. If you can just set some fair guidelines and stick to them. I have been married for 37 years and let my husband totally control me through controlling all our monies and assets. I finally filed for divorce. We have been working together now to iron out our problems. He is giving me equal access to our monies and assets and I am finally being a loving and appreciative wife to him. This has actually turned into a win/win for both of us. I'm really sorry it had to come to me filing for divorce which has cost about 20,000 in legal and experts fee's so far. We really could have used this money alot wiser than this if we just could have communicated and shared. I guess it has been worth every dime to be able to save our marriage. I had to set my boundaries and him his and we both had to stick with them. I believe that was the key. I always gave in in the past. Let him know you are tired of the way things are so unequal and if he wants to stay in this marriage it is past time for him to step up to the plate. He also needs to realize he will be paying child support and you will probably get the house. I had to look honestly for my part in our marriage problems and correct them. No matter how small we all have a hand in the problem if nothing more than not standing up for ourselves. The one issue which really troubles me however is the pot smoking! He needs to man up here and realize that is not going to be allowed now that he is a husband and father with responsiblities. My thoughts and prayers go with you and your babies. I pray your son is well soon.