DDear Susie, Welcome to this site. It is a wonderful place to come to vent and to get feedback from others going through the same things. So often, the ladies here have helped me clarify my feelings. I don't know where I'd be without them. You have been through a nightmare. I feel so sorry for you, I know what happened must have been a terrible shock for both you and your children. What a blessing our grown children can be though, I have 4 of my own and they are always there for me even when they do not agree with my decisions. I live in Texas to. I guess I am behind the times but I think "NO FAULT" is a terrible injustice, mostly toward women. The breakdown of my marriage was certainly NOT my fault. You might want to know that my lawyer told me that because of the differences in our incomes I might be able to get 60% instead of 50. It would have required going to trial though and I didn't want to do that so I accepted the lower amount and hope I don't regret it. Post here often and let us know how you're doing. The ladies here really do care.

Hi Susie,
As Alone told you this is a wonderful place to find friends that will always be here for you.
Going through what you have I am sure is so unreal that you still have trouble believing that it is really happening to you. I can't imagine what it has been like. I had no problems that I was aware of either and I did find out after I caught him in the affair that he too had been going to strip clubs and getting lap dances for quite awhile before this affair. It just made me feel so creepy knowing he was with those women and then coming home to me.
I am so glad your kids are being there for you and letting you know there will always be there for you. I understand you wanting to be in your own place but let them help you as long as they can. You have gone through so much already being alone in your own place may be just too much for you to handle right now. I am still in "our" house and I hate being alone here. the worst for me is having no one to talk to unless I get on the phone, I have no face to face conversations at night. I miss having someone to hold hands with and put their arm around me, he was always very affectionate and I miss that every single day. I know we will all get through this terrible time in our lives and we will be better for it. I am the same age you are and don't for one minute think you are too old to do anything. You are a yound woman and strong and can do anything you set your mind to. Just keep remembering that. I just got a job at Cracker Barrel in the retail part and love it. You will be suprised what you can do. Just don't give up.
Come back to this site often and when you see what so many are going through it makes you feel that you are not alone in this anymore, people on here know exactly how you are feeling and it is a great place to vent. Take care and hang in there. Oh, Missouri is also a No Fault state. I was lucky because he wanted to leave and be with his girlfriend so badly that he would sign anything so I ended up getting more than 50% of everything. I would still rather have my marriage back the way I thought it was but at least I will be able to take care of myself as long as I have a job too. We are all here for you.

Should have just left him in that bath

Susie, I know the horror of discovering the man you married has disappeared somewhere and and a sleazy lying cheater has taken his place. That's what happened to me. Your case is way more extreme than mine, but after 30 years together finding out he is cheating and lying is pretty hard to take. He left just over 5 months ago. It's been hard, but my grown girls and dear grand daughter keep me going. Hang in there, it will get better. Stay strong, we are always here for you.

I am sorry to hear that your husband left. Mine actually wanted me to stay and thought I should have stood behind him no matter what he had done. I believe in God and I think He would want me to forgive him, but I don't think that He would expect me to continue to live with him.

I really think that we are lucky to have a chance to begin again. Right now it is hard to see that, but I really believe it will happen. I still cry a lot more then I want, but it really makes me sad and mad because I thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man...I thought he was my best friend. But you kmow....there were some things that just didn't seem right. When I got suspicious...he told me I was just jealous or insecure...He told me I was lucky because he came home from work every night...He didn't mention that he went to the topless bars during lunch hour...Now I know why I felt suspicious. He did something to be suspicious about.

I did go to couseling myself at first just for the attempted suicide. I couldn't sleep for quite awhile. I had nightmares..I have never been back in that bath tub either. Then I went for the rest...which was very traumatic as you can suspect. I think I could use more, but the money is not there after the divorce. That is why I came here and I found a good support group.

Thanks....I wish you well and hope all goes good for you.

Hi Susie,
I am so sorry to hear all you have been through. I too lived with a man that had a terrible addiction such as the one your husband has. Mine, sadly, involved my daughters instead of child porn on the computer. Having been there I can honestly say that as horrible as it seems now, it does get better and you will get stronger. We were married for 23 years and I know it is not as long as you but the pain is the same. Betrayal. I will tell you that if his computer does come up with any pics there is a good chance that he will do some hard time. In AZ the sentence is 10 years for each pic I believe. I wish I could tell you that it will be a breeze but there is a lot of grieving to be done. It is okay to grieve your dream but once you have done that you need to realize that you are a very strong person. I didnt think that I could do it on my own so I stayed for a long time after I was aware of what was happening. He went to jail and got out on a plea bargain, because a was so scared that I sided with him instead of my daughter. I was weak and pathetic but I am strong now. I still have a long way to go but I am supporting myself and my two youngest kids now, I am going to college, and everyday I work a little harder on improving my life. Dont get discouraged. You will get stronger and you will succeed. God bless you.

Some of what you wrote brought back memories of how it felt to have my world go completely upside down. Feeling secure one minute and then in the blink of an eye having your entire life unravel.

My divorce was 5 months ago and I can tell you it does get better, but just a little at a time. I've even had a couple of seconds of feeling completely happy!

I also moved to be near my daughter and she does as much as she can to help, but I have to say it does get lonely. When I first moved here I stayed with her for a short time. Now I have my own place and am trying to meet new people. It's an up hill battle, but we'll all get there. Time takes care of many things.

I appreciate the suggestions. I hope I don't have to stay here long. Not because it's not great..because it is, but because I feel like I am intruding upon their lives. They have 3 boys and I am having fun with them. It was the hardest thing to choose who to live with for awhile since I have 4 kids. They all want me to come and stay with them. I am fortunate that even their spouses are great. I love them all so much and feel so fortunate to have a very wonderful bunch to be there for me. I just want a place of my own so I can have my things with me. Everything is so scattered...some in storage, some here with me and some at two of the sons houses. I really feel lost without a home of my own. I think we all need that. I am too young to have to live with children. That should only happen when you are older.

But hopefully it won't be long. Job first, then a plavce to call home.

I am living in a totally new town where I will have to find new friends. I am looking forward to that, but will miss my old ones. I still see and talk to them but with gas prices, I don't see them so much.

Time will help to heal. Moving on is the first step to a new beginning. Thanks

I just would like to point out there's nothing that you describe that indicates he is (or was) a danger to you or your children. He appears to have kept his sexual peccadillos private and apparently desires to have a relationship with you and the rest of the family. He attends frequent group counseling and sees his psychiatrist.
It's unfortunate that you have money troubles...but that's due to your decision to divorce. I am sure your lawyer sought to recover all that you are entitled to.

Dear Blue, I would like to respectfully disagree with your comment he was not a threat to her or her children. He did not keep this to himself. He did horrible emotional damage to his whole family. I am far from an expert on this subject but I understand many times these crimes continue to escalate to more and more serious crimes. He may have acted at some point on his perversions with an under age child. I would think there would be no questioning Susie's decision to divorce him. He has violated every vow of his marriage. I personally would have been repulsed by him after I knew what he was doing. Why should she have to be a further victim financially. You and I each are intitled to our thoughts on this matter. We can agree to disagree.

Kathleen, I respectfully disagree with your statement that he violated every vow of his marriage. There are clear legal distinctions between "MAY act out perversions" and "actually performing those acts." I daresay most of us have fantasies which, as adults, we keep to ourselves.
Lapdances are legal, and are carefully regulated by most states and municipalities.
He did not (according to the original poster) commit any physical acts that can be construed as violent.

Blue...I haven't mentioned all the things that he has said to me about girls who have breasts are women...no matter their age...and the girls in the pictures he downloaded liked what they were doing because they were smiling. To this day I cannot believe that he has done this. It scares me to think that it could possibly be worse.

He is also supposed to be going to a 12 step group, but isn't going because he says he has been cured and doesn't need help. That the people who go there have real problems...he doesn't.

And he says it is different if they are not related to him.

Is this enough information or would you like me to congtinue to tell you more? How would you feel if it were your daughter he was looking at online?

Didn't I say that he thinks it is ok to touch topless
dancers' breasts because he found a way not to get caught.

So...what's next? Again...if you have a daughter, would you want him around them, at any age?

Talking about money that I am entitled to...No I am not getting what I am entitled to....he stole my youth by doing what he has done most of our married life. He took away from me my best friend and the person whom I thought I could trust not only with my life but with my children's lives.

Yes I did decide to divorce him. I left my home of 15 1/2 years because I can never live somewhere he tried to take his own life. By the way...he told me his attempted suicide was planned...He told me he did it to get attention and he knew I would be home when I got there to save him. Could you imagine what it was like to find your husband in the bathtub almost dead. He was 20 minutes away from being dead. That was the most devistating thing that has ever occured in my life until he decided to confess his sins...and then it just went on and on.

No I haven't told you everything...but no...I didn't get everything that I am entitled to..The best I got out of this is...AWAY FROM HIM.

Dear Susie, Please come here often for support and insights. You story is probably the saddest one to date and there have been some really heart wrenching stories told on this forum. You are truely a victim on so many levels I don't even know how to comprehend your pain. You husband I guess for better words is a sex offender. This is going to have extreme life altering consequences for him and unfortunately yourself. I imagine you will have to go to court as a witness in his criminal case and your children as well. Please try to prepare yourself the best you can for this. He will probably have to register as a sex offender. I'm sure your attorney is a smart one. I would think a cash settlement instead of spousal support would be best for you in case he does jail time and he might as this is a very serious crime. My heart breaks that not only do you have to deal with the divorce you also will most likely have to deal with the criminal case. You sound like a strong women and if you dig deep enough you will be able to do this. I hope your attorney has protected your assets. If he has to pay up to 40,000 for a criminal lawyer why should that come out of your share of the community property? I know it seems like your life has ended but it hasn't. It was a blessing in a way he tipped you off to his criminal behavior before the police came busting in. At least you knew what it was about. Your husband has violated you on so many levels. This man is not the man you married as stated before that man is gone. Just know there are many fine women here that will be there when you need us to support you in this rebuilding of your new life. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children.

I have to agree with Kathleen. All I see is this man who tells lies, cheats and couldn't care less about his family if he is asking them to take part in covering up a crime for him. He should be asking them to help him overcome this with truth, not aiding in covering his disgusting habits. Sorry, it is one thing to be mentally sick, but it is another thing to manipulate your family into something you yourself are trying to overcome, but if he is trying to hide issues then it sure does not seem that he is willing to even try to overcome these issues in the first place. You are in my prayers Susie. We are here for you.

Susan

Susan...You Rock!!!

Kathleen,

Thanks for your support. I sure hope I don't have to go to court..much less ever see him again when this is over. We already went to Mediation. Of course I took a hit in some places that I should not have...like my house..I should have gotten more of the equity. He just bare faced lied about the value even though I got it appraised. I did ok. The hardest part is the medical insurance...I will have none. I left the mediation without any cash. He took the debit, check book and the two credit cards that we had. We had no bills before this all started back in October and had money saved. Our lawyers are costing us a lot. He ended up paying some of mine, but I will have to pay the rest. I know I will be ok in the end. I just want the papers to be drawn up corrctly as we decided in mediation (his lawyer wants to take out anything that has police or warrant on it, but he signed it so my lawyer and I agree that there will be no changes. The Quadros have been drawn up and just need to be signed. He refinanced the house to give me cash for some of my equity in the house.....he really didn't need to do that,, but his lawyer thinks he might need some money for his criminal lawyer later on. I really don't care what happens to him and hopefully when this is all done, I will never have to see him again. I am changing my name back to my maiden name. My children are my children from a previous marriage, so there is not a blood connection. I really do feel bad for them because he was their father figure for over 32 years. Imagine what went through my mind when I found out what he thinks about young girls. The first question I asked my daughter and my sons too...was...did he ever touch you, And thank God...it was no.

I am really looking forward to getting done and on with my life. Thanks again for your support