have been in a loveless, sexless marriage for many years and think I'm ready to end it - still have a 16 year old at home, haven't worked in 20 years and no good job prospects in this economy, don't know what to do first but I want to start a new life

Please do not leave your marriage thinking that life on the other side will be better. Divorce involves a lot of time and money. It is much better to invest that time and money into trying to re- ignite the flame in your marriage now.

Of course this statement does not apply to anyone in a physically abusive relationship as that is a completely different situation.

~Jstmebeingme
jstmebeing.blogspot.com

I disagree, I don't believe in marriage counseling. I don't think marriages that are over, can be fixed. I don't know ANYBODY who went through marriage counseling and stayed together in the long run.
I am in a loveless in sexless marriage as well. Although I am the one not wanting to have sex. How is that in your marriage? I always thought guys were the ones who always wanted to have sex? I also have not worked for quite some time. So the question is how do we do this?

I am the one wanting a healthy sexual relationship - he has no interest in sex. He does however, enjoy porn but has stopped since being confronted with that activity. It's so demeaning to be lying in bed alone while I know what he is doing on the computer. Which is why I have stopped sleeping in the same bed. According to my attorney I have an excellent chance of alimony, etc due to my circumstances. Now - to decide to proceed. I think I would if I knew what to do first. It's overwhelming! Also, he says he will not leave the house that I just need to learn to love him. I want the opportunity to be in a relationship and not just an arrangement.

My heart breaks for you. In the two years, prior to my separation I and my stbx had sex a grand total of once and that was as we moved and he didn't have access to the computer. I later found out he was cybering online with another woman and that there were physical issues that he refused to take care of. You aren't alone there.
As for the "you need to learn to love him again" grrrr. What a cop-out responsibility dodging excuse. He needs to work at it too. I do agree the marriage counseling is worth a try if only to be at peace with yourself that you really did everything that you could if that is important to you. I tried and did not succeed at at that front but I feel better that I tried. I do know of several couples that it did in fact prevent a divorce but it is on a case by case basis.

Other than that do you you homework on the divorce laws for instance find out if your state is no fault state or not and whether a lengthy separation is required and find a good lawyer. Other ladies here have suggested counseling for the kids so I'll pass that on.

thanks for your kind words - I am brand new to this chat room and can already see what an advantage it is - my husband has not touched his computer since I revealed that I knew what was going on - very admirable but I have no interest in renewing a sex life with him - now what? He does have trouble with impotency but instead of examining the many remedies for that on the market these days - he just chose to give up - except for whatever satisfaction he is getting from the porn sites. He can't talk about it at all. where to go from here?

thanks for your words and they do make sense - it's just that I cannot imagine ever having an intimate relationship with my spouse again - he is not a bad person, just emotionally distant and very superficial - as were his parents, I truly want an opportunity to be involved with a real man that wants a life together not just an arrangement where I clean and cook for room and board, I do however feel rather selfish as my children will be so surprised and saddened, as for counseling - he doesn't believe in it and (get this) I was a marraige counselor before having children and as most of the people I saw I too have waited too late for that to be of any use - but would it ever work with someone that doesn't believe in it anyway? I don't think so. He thinks I've had some sort of "break down" and wants me to get help. That's his response to any display of emotion. Is it selfish to want a more fulfilling life for myself? I've said for years that as soon as my younger child is out of the house I will go but I'm having a really hard time waiting - that is 2 more years! I can't imagine. We have not had sex for many, many years and I have tried to tell him that celibacy is not something you can choose for someone else. I don't expect life on the other side to be a fairytale - but I do want to find out - being alone is not frightening for me. Never having physical human contact of any kind again is.

I'm not saying you shouldn't leave. It sounds like your decision is made in your mind and the only things holding you back are practical things. Before I left my husband, I originally wanted to give it a year but later when I realized he wasn't trying like he vehemently insisted that he was I reached the end of my rope. You do deserve to be loved and touched and if he still belittles your feelings after so many years I doubt he will change. And if he already refuses counseling, your path is clear. You need to take care of your self and your last child. I'm betting your child will see a difference in you and by leaving you are showing that your husband's behavior is not acceptable. Good Luck! We are here for you.