I thought you might like to read this. It has helped me to know that it is ok and normal to be going back and forth sometimes. It will all work itself out when the time comes.

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

7 stages of grief...

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.



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I have been told many times that divorce, especially an unwanted one is like a death. The death of your marriage, death of the life you thought you had and thought you would continue to have. The only difference I find and this is my opinion. If your spouse dies it is not his fault, he did not die on purpose to hurt you and tear apart the family. In my case my ex did all of this full knowing that he was breaking my heart and not caring if I found out about it. If he had died I could still look back on everything we have done together with fondness but now I look back on everything and hate it, now knowing that he had already cheated the first time years ago it makes everything since hatefull. Not that I want him to die, I don't but I think it would be easier to move on if he had. Just my opinion.

Thank you for posting this Bridget. It is a good tool to have as we try to understand what we are going through. I know exaclty what you mean about divorce and death and the differences. In my case, I am left wondering WHY? I do not believe there has been any cheating before now. But I do not understand how, in the space of a few weeks betwween the time it started and when I found out, I was out after 32 years together. I had not known he was unhappy, (in fact, just last week he admitted that he had lied in order to avoid hurting me), and I was given no real chance to make things right. I was told in the initial confrontation, that he "had never loved me the right way". That leaves me wondering if my entire adult life was nothing but a lie. I would not want him dead either but it sure would have been less hurtful than what has happened to us.

You are exactly right. I also had no idea there was anything wrong, certainly never ever suspected him of cheating. I just found out recently that there had been two other affairs but short lived. It does make me feel like the life I thought we had was all just a lie. He has also told me that he hasn't loved me for many years but just played the part. Makes me feel pretty stupid not figuring that out. I don't believe him when he says that, I think it is just a way for him to make what he did right in his mind. I don't understand how he could come home, kiss me and look me right in the eyes and tell me he loved me when he had just been with her. He showed no sign of lying at all and I don't understand how he could all of a sudden become that kind of guy, well maybe he always was but how could I have missed that. I think that is one of the hardest things to deal with, thatt nothing that was ever said to me in the past 34 years was true, I can't get anything to hold on to and remember with pleasure it is all just a lie now. I too feel like I have just wasted my whole life and now at 62 (in a week)now I have to start over because of something i had no control over, something I had no say in and something that was done to me not by me. How come we are the ones left to clean up the mess and deal with all the betrayal? We do not deserve this but even though we know that it does not change the fact that it was thrust upon us with out warning and there is no way to make it right. What a mess we are in. Are you sure you weren't married to the same guy???? Ha Ha

I am starting to think we are all married to the SAME MAN! Bridget, I could have written what you did, I am in exactly the same position. Never in a million years did I see myself seperated at 50 and facing divorce after 21yrs together. I was ready to slow work down, go on long holidays together with all the Long service leave we have, now, NOTHING! All I have is the same as you ladies have, memories filled with questions about "was our life a complete lie?"

I know they try to justify their actions by saying they have not loved us for some years, yeah, I got that one too, not loved me for 5 years. Well how stupid is he to stay with me if he didn't love me. How stupid of me not to even notice he didn't love me, when I was under the impression we could not ask for more in our lives than what we have ( NOW HAD!)

The loss is overwhelming some days and the tears don't stop. The tears are for me though, not him. My tears are for my loss of love/family/companionship/husband/friend/our home, not sure there is much more to lose, so sadness is a constant companion these days.

God helps me see everyday how lucky I am though to be alive, helps me see the beauty in my surroundings and friends. He on the other hand has NOTHING but MISERY, and we all know how much MISERY ENJOYS COMPANY and now he has it with his new screw!

Better days to come for all of us :)

Joe you said it. Misery loves company and he will be miserable with his sl*t. She was a miserable person before and after going through two husbands came looking for my husband. He ate up every thing she said to him and she knew just how to work him. They are both pretty good liars so they truly deserve eachother.
You know when I found out in 1992 that I had an incurable liver disease and it was very rare. They gave me 10 to 12 years. I thought that was the worst thing that could happen to me. I got through it and now the disease has stopped progressing and will not do me in. Then 2 1/2 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and I thought that would do me in, I am 2 1/2 years cancer free and don't even worry about that anymore. I thought I survived those devistating things in my life and I truly thought I had it made now. That is when I found out he was cheating. He had not been there for me during these things anyway. His idea of comfort is "don't talk about it, ignore it and it will go away and take care of its self". then this mess. I know they say God only gives you as much as you can take, well I keep asking him if I am done now. I tell God I have had my share now so please let this be the last big devistating thing in my life. I know I am strong having gone through this but I just don't want to be strong anymore. I want to be taken care of. I want a man who puts his arms around me every day and asks me how I am doing. Askes me if there is anything he can do to make my life better, easier. That is all I want.

So now the jerk tells me that he was always there for me and worried about me all the time but just never said anything because he didn't want to remind me of what I was going through. He didn't say or do anything for me because he didn't want to do the wrong thing. That is just his way of saying he didn't really care because it wasn't about him.
When I think about how he is and things he has done I really should be laughing. He has no friends to lean on, not one. He never kept friends and never went out of his way to make any. His sisters are more miserable human beings than he is and neither of our kids want much to do with him. So in the long run I am so much better off. My kids love me, I have wonderful suportive friends and I have all of you womderful women in here.
After all Jo you and I were married to the same man I am sure!! They just don't know what they have lost. They will find out one day and it will be too late for them. I live for that day.

Hi Bridget,

I just entered this site and felt compelled to tell you, I completely understand. I am going through the same thing, with a very similar man. I never ever thought this would be my life. I am 6mo in, and i am constantly in awe that this is my life. I hate every moment of it but yet I'm smart enough to know I must over come and survive. I dont know how, but I will. I just want you to know I feel your pain, more than you can even imagen..