I have been divorced for 3 months and 14 days now. There are a lot of things that I struggle with but one of the biggest is being alone. I dont want to spend the rest of my life alone and I think alot about meeting someone new. When my mind goes that direction it also goes the direction of "No one will want me. I'm too fat." or "I am ugly, no man would want to date me." Tonight in a class I am taking at church I realized that I am only responsible for what I believe and not what others believe. I had alot of verbal abuse as a child and teen, kids were very cruel to me and I carried all those hurtful words into my adult life. That is one reason that I grabbed onto my husband like I did. He was the only man to ever show me any interest. I was convinced that no other man would ever want me so I needed to take him. Not that he was a horrible choice (hind sight is 20/20. I just knew what every man/boy in my life had ever said about me and he did not seem to feel this way. Only much later did I find out that he had a sexual addiction and that is why he wanted to be with me. Guess I was an easy mark. Anyway, tonight in my class we were talking about how we cant change other people, we can only work on changing ourselves. There was a part that read "Since you cannot get them to change, you must work on changing yourself so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you." That is what we need to do. For many of us most of our marriage was spent being affective by their destructive patterns. I know I was. He even told me that he didnt love me for the first 20 years of our marriage. It wasnt until I stood beside him (turning my back on my own child because he told me she was lying about the abuse) during his jail and subsequent trial did he find a love for me. Is that a true destructive pattern or what? My whole marriage was destructive and I didnt even realize it. I guess my whole point here is to make it a conscience act to work on me and change my thinking. I need to believe what I know to be true and believe what God says about me. I am a good person, I do have a lot to offer the right person, God does have good plans for me, every thing those people said about me when I was younger was said out to their dysfunction, not mine. There are so many things I can tell myself that are true, why would I want to focus on the false, negative things people filled my head with? When we let go of others (our ex-husbands) and their expectations or lack of self-control we begin to get healthy. We begin to see the truth. The fact that our husbands chose others over us does not define a problem with us but rather a destructive pattern within them. Let us move forward, leaning on truth and not the lie that is being fed to us, whether by our husbands or by ourselves. Believe the truth. We are hand picked by God, fearfully and wonderfully made. For those of you that are believers in God read Psalms 139. Psalms 139:18 says,"Your thoughts toward me are awesome. They are so great,they our number the grains of sand on the seashore." That, ladies, is truth. If the God of the universe thinks of us more then the grains of sand on the sea shore we cant be all that bad. Let Him define your worth, not a man that is living within his own destructive patterns. Am I saying that this is easy? No.Some days will still suck and we will still want to crawl under the covers and not come out but if we purpose to work on one negative thought or pattern at a time before we know it we will be healthy and when we are healthy we can be a blessing to those around us. God bless.

Dear Dina, This was a profound and powerful post. You are a GOOD person to care and share this way. I pray God will bless you with a new love. THANK YOU

Yes Dina,

Through all the hurt and pain...God can still help us find the good. Not that He wants to see us suffer, but by allowing us to make our own choices and giving us free will...we come to learn and grow and experience who we are and what is truly important in life. He allows us to find our own way, but he is always with us as we do.

I have learned the same lesson as you have...I gave my all to my ex...everything I ever was and had was for him. The trouble was....He was all for himself as well. It was never really about me...only what could I do or give to him to make him happy. That is all he saw in me. God gave me a second chance at the age of 48. I'm not talking about a second chance to meet a man that will give back, although that would be nice in the future, but God gave me a second chance to love myself as I loved my ex and others.

I always gave of myself and my love, but I never really thought of giving much to myself. There is a verse in the Bible that says...."Love others as you would love yourself." God wants that true and honest love to also be for our own lives as well...Not in a selfish way, but it a way that you know God created you, God loves you with his pure, never-ending love and by loving yourself as well you honor his love and his reasons for creating you.

My divorce has been the hardest thing in my life I have ever faced and still face at times, but God gave me a gift when my ex walked away for this other woman....God gave me freedom, hope, peace, the wisdom to learn and grow and the knowledge to find out what is really important in life. He showed me what true friendship really means and allowed me to see friends I never really thought would come when I needed them the most.

He showed me I have strength and courage that I never thought I had and he allowed me to see that what my ex was doing to me was dragging me down to such sorrow and hurt, because I allowed it out of the love I had for a husband who doesn't even understand what real love is. You will begin to see more lessons and find more blessings if you allow God to lead you through these dark hours. He has a world of sunshine waiting ahead for you when all is said and done in his time and understanding.

Susan

Thank you Susan. I am anxious to see what he has in store for me although I know that he will most likely chose to reveal it slower then I want him to. It is ok though because I am truely enjoying watching each blessing as they come. Besides, if he sends them too fast we get so caught up that we sometimes tend to forget to be thankful.
God bless

So true, Dina. I believe there is a reason for everything God does or allows, as well as a reason for his timing to.

Susan

You Ladies are all so eloquent. You are such a wonderful group of fine women who deserve everything good in this world. You bring me to tears, describing what I myself am beginning to find out. My divorce has also been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Truly my marriage has been the only thing I ever really wanted that I could not salvage. I am still heartbroken, I believe that I always will be. Yes, I know I will get beyond this but the sorrow and the missing what SHOULD have been will always be with me, even if it is buried in my heart. But I have grown to through this experience and while I NEVER wanted this to happen I have to be grateful for the chance to learn and grow. I am truly not the woman I was a few months ago. It is so obvious to all who know me well. Each of my children and even my husband have commented on the change in me which astounds me as I thought the changes were only within myself. You have all expressed my feelings so beautifully and I thank you for that. I wish you all a peaceful day.

I'm glad you reached that realization. In the process of my divorce, I was learning this too, but you put it so much more eloquently. We are responsible for ourselves, and how we feel. Though I will say changing the way one thinks is no easy task. Something that helped and is actually really hard is to love yourself in the eye (using a mirror) and sincerely say "I love you. I am worthy of love. I am capable of giving and receiving love." ten times. It helped me accept who I am physically and emotionally.