This may hurt. That kind of behavior is not okay. And I'm sorry but that kind of behavior, putting you down and telling you that you worse than him, and the cheating is not a hallmark of love. I hate to say it but I think he is taking advantage of you. As for 80+ hours a week... he ought to be getting massive paychecks to where you may not need to work... it sounds a bit off to me. And if people around you are saying he is controlling, they may may genuinely be concerned. Where I am there were people who noticed my stbx's odd behavior but never said anything. Protect yourself and your babies.
Another thing... everything being your fault sets off many, many warning bells in my head. My stbx did the exact same thing... twist everything around to make it my fault and tell me he deserved to be treated better and that I should apologize. That's was the beginning of a cycle of isolation and abuse verbal and emotional. And please keep posting.
Also you mentioned that you came from a difficult family life, and that you worked hard to break the cycle. Congratulations. That was you. Not him. That is YOUR accomplishment and I'm sure it wasn't easy. And the cheating was HIS decision. You didn't force him to no matter what he says. He is trying to pass the buck. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I am concerned, he sounds a lot like my stbx. You are worth more than that. The ladies here are a wealth of information and support. Welcome.
Thank you for you reply.. Don't worry you're not being harsh just honest. I hate to admit this but it sound very familiar. I have heard it before!! I think, deep down inside of me I know exactly what is going on and what I should do, I just keep ignoring my gut :( thank you
Welcome to our forum. If ever anyone could benefit from marriage counseling it is your husband. He sounds very insecure to me. By trying to tear you down he is trying to make himself feel better. I learned so late 37 years late that you get the treatment that you allow. If it is not acceptable you have to stand up for yourself. You are not your family. This is another way for an insecure man to try and one up you to feel superior. I finally filed for a divorce and it was the best thing I could ever have done for my marriage. I'm by no means advocating divorce here. I am very happy now and so is my husband. We are no longer getting a divorce. We have had to have some very serious talks and both of us contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. I did my part to mend it and he did his and so far so good. We to still loved each other but that love was so buried in resentment and anger that it could not and would not have survived if somethings didn't change and it did. I was so afraid to stand up to my husband yet he had never laid a hand on me. It is past time for some honest talk between you both. I am all for keeping a family in tact whenever possible. He seriously needs counseling. My hopes and prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time in your life.
I agree with the replies here & yes keep posting.
The only thing I wonder about though is Kathleen's advice as to seek counseling I do think will help but not sure if couple's counseling if he is abusive.
I think there are counselors that will see someone on an as needed basis, so maybe finding someone you can confide in this way, so you have support then if you want couples counseling...
Also, I agree to with the fact you have accomplished a lot. He may have been supportive at first but it sounds like he is now abusive. Some guys I think come on strong & give it all they have in the beginning but are unwilling to do what it takes to make a marriage work.
I have been hearing a lot lately about a gene called a, "cheating gene," & I guess it's not that uncommon. It is no excuse for infidelity but maybe it explains in part of the huge divorce rate.
If you do have a job now, maybe you could consider separation until he commits to the marriage. I'm not saying divorce, & I did not leave my now ex husband, he left me. I was no doormat.. I would stand up to him & he got tired of it & left. He never changed & same as the others are saying.. it was always my fault.
I think divorce is so difficult but you will not loose what you have gained. Marriage is hard work & commitment..I say stand your ground.
Hugs.