Thank you so much for your valuable input! Your suggestion to go to counseling for myself instead of marital is one that I will be following up on immediately. I have never been to any therapist and/or counseling and I agree with you that my main issue is the betrayal of my personal issues and as a result, it is making me so resentful. We have been married for 20 years and have one son in college. It sounds like your spouse did not put in the effort to work on your marriage and that is simply not right. I am sorry you have had to deal with any verbal or physical abuse, whatsoever. Maybe it was best for him to live his life without you. He does not deserve someone like you and may not see that for a while. I, too, am religious and never believed in a divorce in the first place but the man he became during the proceedings is the one that I can do without - such greed and retaliation. Thanks again and feel free to correspond if you would like additional support for your specific situation. You gave great insight to the issues.

Mary, I say in part the advice to seek individual counseling because I have heard in an abusive marriage it's best to do this & from personal experience. I went to counseling with now ex h & that was a nightmare. At first he seemed accepting of some of the advice but then sessions into counseling he would flip things around as if I was someone or doing something I was not. He became rigid & in denial. It was obvious that we weren't getting anywhere there.. he quit. The therapist who I felt really would have done us some good (we saw 2) he really shyed away from.. she saw through him.
I don't think anything is cut & dry & like raising children, marriage, it's yours. Each situation is different & has it's highs & lows.
My ex wanted perfection I think & has a fantasy about the perfect situation/life. He said I was the right one, he would claim utter bliss & we talked of God & on & on.. but he would run.. I think he has the, "cheating gene," I have heard about lately.. in fact there is no doubt at all in my mind. He's abusive, I think there are genetic factors that he will not change.
Counseling can be great..Maybe if you desire, find one who will see you when you need help, or for a limited # of sessions.. it doesn't have to be an ongoing commitment. It should be there for what you need. I don't know if you have Celebrate Recovery in your area but that might be something you could check into.. I've heard positive things about it & it's support for any situation in life that is Chrstian based.. women meet with women/ men with men.. I haven't been locally but am contemplating attending myself at least to see what it's about..
I was not going to leave my ex h. You're right, it probably is best in some ways that he left.. if he wasn't wanting to make it work.. & I felt he was just so close to becoming violent. He had a very volatile temper, was easily angered, seemed to want to fight over anything..
I had NO IDEA that I would end up in an abusive marriage.. I was so adiment on waiting for the one that God Had For me, & never imagined this. But it taught me such empathy for other women who suffer this, I learned about men, marriage, abuse, & also about sharing with someone I do think I was supposed to be married to! I don't have regrets. I am struggling yet to get my life put back together as it took a toll.
I had someone in a bible study shortly after he left mention that it's important to wait on God.. you are religious so I am saying this.. maybe it will make sense to you as it does me too.. sometimes in our healing/ in our trials, we wait to hear from GOD, when we do this, then the right answers come along.
It doesn't have to mean dragging feet & friends are great to help nudge us when we get lethargic..
Mary, I was happy & Christian & loved going to church.. all of these things before I met my now ex, when we were together so much of my life unfolded further & God Showed me more.. after he left, even still. Our lives are a journey.. God's Will For us may not be His Will for someone else.. ie, our husbands.. or maybe they don't want God's Will?
For me... spiritual growth is so important.
I have to keep pushing myself out of comfort zones..
but I also like to hear from The Lord & walk in HIS WILL & TIMING!
If you can push ahead in ways that work for you.. & if your husband does not work on the marriage anymore, you are still moving forward in your life.. a better person..
Thank you for letting me share more.. In some ways I am SO HAPPY & @ peace. I was not & am not one to put people in my life just to fill space.. in other words I'm ok single. I loved being married.. but I'm ok now too! My focus is on God.. God Is Love.
Hugs & I pray things work out for you!
the thread on happiness.. I needed to hear that as to push out of comfort zones.. & it just helps to share.
I think guys really need to work & share with other men /people in that sort of way, women need groups/ sharing with others.. ideas/nurturing..
TAKE CARE!