Mary, I say in part the advice to seek individual counseling because I have heard in an abusive marriage it's best to do this & from personal experience. I went to counseling with now ex h & that was a nightmare. At first he seemed accepting of some of the advice but then sessions into counseling he would flip things around as if I was someone or doing something I was not. He became rigid & in denial. It was obvious that we weren't getting anywhere there.. he quit. The therapist who I felt really would have done us some good (we saw 2) he really shyed away from.. she saw through him.
I don't think anything is cut & dry & like raising children, marriage, it's yours. Each situation is different & has it's highs & lows.
My ex wanted perfection I think & has a fantasy about the perfect situation/life. He said I was the right one, he would claim utter bliss & we talked of God & on & on.. but he would run.. I think he has the, "cheating gene," I have heard about lately.. in fact there is no doubt at all in my mind. He's abusive, I think there are genetic factors that he will not change.
Counseling can be great..Maybe if you desire, find one who will see you when you need help, or for a limited # of sessions.. it doesn't have to be an ongoing commitment. It should be there for what you need. I don't know if you have Celebrate Recovery in your area but that might be something you could check into.. I've heard positive things about it & it's support for any situation in life that is Chrstian based.. women meet with women/ men with men.. I haven't been locally but am contemplating attending myself at least to see what it's about..
I was not going to leave my ex h. You're right, it probably is best in some ways that he left.. if he wasn't wanting to make it work.. & I felt he was just so close to becoming violent. He had a very volatile temper, was easily angered, seemed to want to fight over anything..
I had NO IDEA that I would end up in an abusive marriage.. I was so adiment on waiting for the one that God Had For me, & never imagined this. But it taught me such empathy for other women who suffer this, I learned about men, marriage, abuse, & also about sharing with someone I do think I was supposed to be married to! I don't have regrets. I am struggling yet to get my life put back together as it took a toll.
I had someone in a bible study shortly after he left mention that it's important to wait on God.. you are religious so I am saying this.. maybe it will make sense to you as it does me too.. sometimes in our healing/ in our trials, we wait to hear from GOD, when we do this, then the right answers come along.
It doesn't have to mean dragging feet & friends are great to help nudge us when we get lethargic..
Mary, I was happy & Christian & loved going to church.. all of these things before I met my now ex, when we were together so much of my life unfolded further & God Showed me more.. after he left, even still. Our lives are a journey.. God's Will For us may not be His Will for someone else.. ie, our husbands.. or maybe they don't want God's Will?
For me... spiritual growth is so important.
I have to keep pushing myself out of comfort zones..
but I also like to hear from The Lord & walk in HIS WILL & TIMING!
If you can push ahead in ways that work for you.. & if your husband does not work on the marriage anymore, you are still moving forward in your life.. a better person..
Thank you for letting me share more.. In some ways I am SO HAPPY & @ peace. I was not & am not one to put people in my life just to fill space.. in other words I'm ok single. I loved being married.. but I'm ok now too! My focus is on God.. God Is Love.
Hugs & I pray things work out for you!
the thread on happiness.. I needed to hear that as to push out of comfort zones.. & it just helps to share.
I think guys really need to work & share with other men /people in that sort of way, women need groups/ sharing with others.. ideas/nurturing..
TAKE CARE!