My ex husband left enough times that I realized my begging/ then his begging himself back into my life would always end with same result. Someone here just mentioned that it would almost be easier..& honestly it is. To watch the same scenerio occur over & over to have him watch me suffer each time he would leave me, caused an emormous financial debt, which in the end I ended up carrying. He would say that I was the one that God Made For him, he could never see being with any other woman.
I know that each of us has to walk through this & no words are the same as our own journey. But now, frankly, it's been nearly 2 yrs since he left & I do not know how he can live with himself as to what he said & did to me, I lost respect for him, I don't know how he can call himself Christian (& continue to sleep with???????? many women he does.. ).. the things he said to me, did to me I really have never met a soul more evil frankly.. yet I loved him, I believed in him & us & it could have worked. But he is self absorbed, & dangerous.
I think some of it is that when we marry, it is, "the two shall become one," when we divorce we SLOWLY pull ourselves away from them.. There was no excuse for what he did to me. I forgive the fact that I think he is mentally ill.. I pray ultimately for his salvation but I also pray that what comes around goes around & one way or another God Allows him to experience the horrible suffering that he put me through, if that makes sense.
He knew exactly what he was doing when he would manipulate my life, our lives. I think it is very important to be ok with anger, & separate in one's mind our reality from their reality. The longer I am away from him the more that occurs.
I feel that people like me, they seem to respect that I follow what I believe, I think I'm solid in myself as to my direction, interests, etc.. The divorce through me off balance quite a bit, but I also am quite aware that it is not my doing.
I rather early on came to grips with the fact (after we were together about 2 yrs & he started with these games) that to him, "sleeping with," another woman was no big deal & love & sex were to totally separate things to him. He has no self control & apparently not much of a moral compass (though he is Christian?).
SO, .. I can at least now/ even though I am still not healed in my own life yet as to getting my life back together as I need to.. continue to move forward.. I was in love, felt it could have worked, EASILY if he had tried .. but it was like he kept an anchor on us.. when I let go finally (he walked I finally just dropped the silly anchor line) It was & is like watching a sinking ship.. his life.. in hindsight.
What was so beautiful & right he destroyed methodically.. just because. But it's he that did it.. I did all I could.
I think in time one can separate self out /my ex would BE WITH any woman I believe that he thought was hot & would make him look good at the grocery store line.. ???????????????? I met someone I thought was different/ he could have been & at times he was.. but in this world/on this earth he is aloplastic/2 dimensional, childish & not what I associate with...
I had no idea he was like this until I was commited.
I don't feel I need to let go of the reality that was for me.. the good bad N ugly!
He's God's problem now..