LookingUp, you say, "it's unhealthy to mourn for too long." That is not true, they say mourning is very personal & should be any length of time that the person needs.. in other words there should not be a time frame involved.
Also, I don't know if you realize that mourning takes time. Two years is common, often it takes longer than that. I have read anyone dating less than 2 yrs post divorce is setting themselves up for failure.
My own feelings is that this would make sense to me generally speaking.
I think probably quite a few here are in early mourning stages of divorce. It is uncommon I think with the realities of divorce (paperwork, moving, financial changes for many women) to find it smooth sailing at first!
There are stages to grieving but it is a fact that it takes time. If one does not grieve a loss properly they often end up doing so later & sometimes at another's expense.
I don't think there is a right & wrong way of doing these things but these are generalities (I am trained in this area /my college degree).
I think it's good that you are happy & doing well. For most the first few years are pretty traumatic.

OneDay: I agree with you that mourning is personal but while divorce shares certain characteristics of death, it really isn't exactly the same. It involves change in a fundamentally different way.

I'm not telling anyone how to behave..that's entirely personal. I'm just suggesting that there may be another way. As I've said more than once..THIS IS JUST MY OPINION. I'm sharing my own experience just like everyone else here.

Personally, I find the many many many negative posts filled with dripping hatred for exes and their new gfs, etc unhelpful. To me, in wallowing in that, you're hurting you...no one else (except maybe your children). He certainly doesn't care and probably enjoys the increased attention of having his ex-wife so focused on him. A lot of these men have narcissistic tendencies and live to cause you pain.

Again..this is my personal opinion. I was simply suggesting that there may be a more positive approach and believe me, I haven't had it easy just like everyone else on this board.

I'm stuck in the same house with a guy that hates me, has tried to destroy every relationship I have with my family, friends, and our children. I'm am embroiled in an unbelievably expensive and nasty custody battle. I have daughters who have heard me called every disgusting name you can think of for years and years. He wakes up everyday determined to destroy me because I wouldn't stay married to him and he can't control me anymore. I've heard things he's said and seen things he's written that are so beyond vile, I can't even tell you.

Still, I find sooooo many things to be grateful for...The fact that I live in a country where I can even GET a divorce. The hope of a new life. The amazing family I have. My incredible children.

I choose not to dwell in hatred. I'm not a faith-based person...but I know what's right and wrong. I've spend over 20 years of my life with the wrong guy..someone who never saw the person that I am..and he doesn't get another minute...not one. If I've learned one thing its that life is so short. You just don't have a lot of time and you don't get what you waste back. There IS a life after marriage. An amazing one...every day my life gets a bit better...and its because I believe in embracing positivity. I feel happier...I look happier...I'm healthier than I've ever been in my life.

Maybe its not for everyone. Maybe you want to spend the rest of your life ******** on some board about the skanky heffa your ex is now with, or crying about some guy who doesn't really want you anymore, or sabotaging yourself and your ability to move ahead by calling him every day to give yourself a minute of "fix" rather than go after a real life.

All I'm suggesting...is that there is possibly another way. That's all. Take it or leave it. Its just my experience. Like I said, to me its just too easy to wallow in misery. I've always been the type woman that tells my friends the truth even if it stings a bit. I like the truth from my friends too. Sometimes I really need it. Just to coddle someone who's hurting themselves isn't really helping them at all.

Whatever anyone does, this board is full of some very lovely women who are suffering with real trauma and I wish everyone and their children the absolute best!

LookingUp, it sounds like you are not even physically separated from your soon to be ex husband, he is still living with you, & you say you have a new boyfriend, so I guess I'm a little confused that you are judging what is going on in this forum (your comments): "Personally, I find the many many many negative posts filled with dripping hatred for exes and their new gfs, etc unhelpful."
It's good to positive but I guess I don't feel that everyone is being negative. I think there are many emotions & I certainly don't think that this is more than proccessing & grieving of what for many has been devastating.
I think it's great if you want to lead positive threads to help with discussion of things people are doing but to deny emotions in grief is not reality.
I think people come to a support group like this when they are in pain & are posting in regards. It is not a permanent state of being & I hear many women here saying how much they loved their husband & marriage. Betrayal is awful.. you are only in the very beginning stages of divorce. It's great to be positive but emotions are dimensional.

I have no interest in judging anyone actually. I'm suggesting that I find the posts with positivity more personally helpful and suggesting that there may be better outlets for a person's energy during and after divorce than dwelling on the past. Last time I checked, I was entitled to my opinion. It sounds like I'm not the one making judgements at all actually, quite the opposite.

I've been separated from my husband for two years...and we're in the same house due to there being issues regarding the sale. I would have been separated even earlier but he wanted to stay married and actively subverted my attempts to divorce. Although we own the house still, neither of us spends much time there but its still under both of our names and has to be maintained as its a large home requiring a lot of upkeep and its the school district for one daughter since we're stuggling with custody issues. I'm not newly in the divorce process either..I'm about a year through and close to done except for another custody assessment. And my settlement conference is looming.

We both have dated during the divorce...although I believe he's dated quite a few women and hasn't picked one in particular...and I've been with the same person the whole time. I have been very lucky in that too..something else I attribute to my attitude. Going into the dating process with a lot of baggage regarding you ex isn't good fodder for finding a new partner.

Frankly the judgement calls are not on my part...just yours. I have had some really awful days during the divorce with regard to my children being manipulated and his financial control...but I work hard to put them aside so it doesn't overwhelm my life. I've has to ask for help from my family for the first time in my life...which was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I got really tired of always being tired, unhappy, complaining and being without hope....so instead of b*tching, I got off my ass and did something about it.

I have no interest in being attacked or attacking anyone else. Its not my way. That you have jumped down my throat because I suggested alternatives to endless grieving over men that probably aren't worth it, is illuminating to me...but I know that happens with some people too. I'm always highly skeptical of anyone who only has one solution to a problem. Every situation is unique...but there is often something to be learned and lots of ways to attack it. I was simply offering my experience up since this is a forum of different experiences.

In my experience, you can detach yourself with meticulous practice. You can find other outlets (honestly physical ones really are the best ones). You can choose a happy, positive life. There's just more than one option. I'm sorry if you find that threatening...but frankly, its the truth.

Attack me if you please and it makes you feel better. I won't engage in that behavior. And to every woman that's wondering if there's another method to deal with your divorce...I'm suggesting that MAYBE THERE IS!!! Why let him continue to control you? Its all about you..its your body...your attitude...your decision that you're not going to heap more abuse on yourself...realizing that for all the bad things in life, there is so much more good...there are far better men out there to be with (there really are!). That we even live in a country that gives us the choice to decide what man to be with (or not to be with) is very very lucky. Sooo many women around the world don't even have that very basic right.

Whatever anyone tells you...happiness is a choice. Its a gift you can decide to give to yourself.

Thank you again to all the fine ladies on this forum...even the one that unnecessarily jumped down my throat. This is my last post on this subject but thank you so much and kudos to all the positive, uplifting women working so hard to find new lives. You inspire me and you have my best thoughts and wishes!

Hi LookingUp,

Congratulations on achieving the inner peace from your divorce, choosing to live your life the way you want, and creating happiness for yourself.


"To Our Inner Peace"
Mai Bordelon :)
The Coach for Divorced Women
http://thecoachfordivorcedwomen.com
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Bridget, my own thoughts are that I think women do have the ability to stand strong to a man & it's really important that they do this, when it comes to temptations.. I think it's important to teach youner gals this, that they can say NO & mean it. They don't have to lean on a man in life to get by, meaning they can wait on the right one to come along.
Finding strength to push through, & as this thread is about, be happy, with family, friends, first ...
I guess when you share your story about the OW it really bothers me because Iknow there are women out there like this.. Inner beauty far outweighs the elusive trappings of a one night stand or wrecking family.. Too I think it's really important for women to have other women friends to lean on especially when healing. Husbands are wonderful.. or can be..
BUT I think women really do need to support each other in healthy ways.. this group is an example.
I DO like this post as to being strong & pushing through, growing even past divorce.. there are some good ideas. I did love my husband & it gives me a lot of satisfaction to believe still that I married the right one & so did he & that now.. he is on the wrong track.. meaning, I feel I was blessed for waiting for my mr right & will continue to be blessed.. Love is awesome. I think there are so many that are afraid to be alone & jump right back in another relationship/ & I guess I just think women supporting women through this & also working on our own happiness is so key to healing..

I understand all the varying points of view on this thread. I do certainly understand the value of a woman being strong and deciding to move on if she is being mistreated of even if she is just unhappy beyond the hope of the marriage being repaired. Everyone must decide for themselves what works for them and I support that. I have been married for 32 years, we've been together for 33. My entire adult life is tied up with this man. He never mistreated me in any way. Looking back, I suppose the relationship had gotten a bit stale through the years, this was something that I recognized and attempted to fix but unfortunately met with resistance. But I adjusted and was truly happy. My husband now sees his error in not responding to my attempts to improve us. In the 10 months that have passed since I found out about the OW, (his first affair and had only been going on for 2 long distance months before I found out), we have improved our relationship and it is now everything I could ask for, except of course for "her". These months have been tremendously difficult for me but I knew the risk I was taking. I have fought, not just for myself, but for our grown children, and my grandsons and grandchildren still to come who will barely know their grandfather if he moves to be with her. I have fought for my family, and for what I know is right. There is no question that what he is doing is wrong. I have fought because, at age 53, I am to young to be alone. I am the kind of woman who adores having a man in her life. I do not know if there will be another at my age, and even if there is, I do not see how he could ever match the importance my husband has had in my life. A new man will not have the length of time together, (my best years), and we will never share the most important experiences like raising a family. I Love my husband and I do not know how to just give up. If and when he actually goes I am strong and I will deal with it. But he has said that he loves me still, this is not a relationship that could not be saved, and I do not know how to stop either loving him or hoping for what I want.

I feel every second of your pain. We have been divorced 8 months and he has been with her in her house every weekend since then. I hope every day when I come home that his car is here and he admits he made a mistake. I hope every time the phone rings that it is him. I have tried to stay out of contact totally with him because I am afraid if I don't give him time to miss me and miss us then he never will.

I have to admit yesterday was a very hard day, I don't know why but I could not stop thinking about him. i keept myself very busy but he kept creeping into my thoughts. I went to the grocery store and on the way home I just started crying for no aparent reason. So I did the worst thing I could do right now. I called his cell phone. As soon as I heard it ring once I hung up, thinking it wouldn't have rung his phone yet. Well with in 2 seconds he called me and I just sat there looking at my phone crying. So yes I picked it up and we talked. He wanted to know what was going on and what was wrong. He told me to go in the house and he would call on the home phone so I did. He called a couple minutes later and we talked about an hour. I would be ok then cry then be ok then cry the whole time, but the best or strangest thing or what ever you want to call it is that while we were talking and I was telling him how much I hate coming home alone, how I hate being in our bed alone and how I still cry myself to sleep he started crying. He cried most of the rest of the conversation and when we hung up he said he wanted to call me again. He is working in Wyoming right now so if and when he calls it will be at night. He said nothing about her or anything specific dealig with her but he did tell me he missed me and was hoping I would call. He said he hasn't called because he doesn't want to make things harder on me. I am sure I am setting myself up to be hurt all over again but it was just so nice to talk and hear his voice. He was very nice through the whole conversation. Who knows I may bet up tomorrow and hate him and want nothing to do with him again but I will take what little I can get for now I guess. Pretty pathetic I know.

My ex husband left enough times that I realized my begging/ then his begging himself back into my life would always end with same result. Someone here just mentioned that it would almost be easier..& honestly it is. To watch the same scenerio occur over & over to have him watch me suffer each time he would leave me, caused an emormous financial debt, which in the end I ended up carrying. He would say that I was the one that God Made For him, he could never see being with any other woman.
I know that each of us has to walk through this & no words are the same as our own journey. But now, frankly, it's been nearly 2 yrs since he left & I do not know how he can live with himself as to what he said & did to me, I lost respect for him, I don't know how he can call himself Christian (& continue to sleep with???????? many women he does.. ).. the things he said to me, did to me I really have never met a soul more evil frankly.. yet I loved him, I believed in him & us & it could have worked. But he is self absorbed, & dangerous.
I think some of it is that when we marry, it is, "the two shall become one," when we divorce we SLOWLY pull ourselves away from them.. There was no excuse for what he did to me. I forgive the fact that I think he is mentally ill.. I pray ultimately for his salvation but I also pray that what comes around goes around & one way or another God Allows him to experience the horrible suffering that he put me through, if that makes sense.
He knew exactly what he was doing when he would manipulate my life, our lives. I think it is very important to be ok with anger, & separate in one's mind our reality from their reality. The longer I am away from him the more that occurs.
I feel that people like me, they seem to respect that I follow what I believe, I think I'm solid in myself as to my direction, interests, etc.. The divorce through me off balance quite a bit, but I also am quite aware that it is not my doing.
I rather early on came to grips with the fact (after we were together about 2 yrs & he started with these games) that to him, "sleeping with," another woman was no big deal & love & sex were to totally separate things to him. He has no self control & apparently not much of a moral compass (though he is Christian?).
SO, .. I can at least now/ even though I am still not healed in my own life yet as to getting my life back together as I need to.. continue to move forward.. I was in love, felt it could have worked, EASILY if he had tried .. but it was like he kept an anchor on us.. when I let go finally (he walked I finally just dropped the silly anchor line) It was & is like watching a sinking ship.. his life.. in hindsight.
What was so beautiful & right he destroyed methodically.. just because. But it's he that did it.. I did all I could.
I think in time one can separate self out /my ex would BE WITH any woman I believe that he thought was hot & would make him look good at the grocery store line.. ???????????????? I met someone I thought was different/ he could have been & at times he was.. but in this world/on this earth he is aloplastic/2 dimensional, childish & not what I associate with...
I had no idea he was like this until I was commited.
I don't feel I need to let go of the reality that was for me.. the good bad N ugly!
He's God's problem now..