Ladies I know that I am taking a somewhat unusual path in my effort to save my marriage so I don't know if anyone can offer advice or not. It is a long story that some of you are familiar with and others not but I won't go into it all. Just know that my husband is still slightly open to the possibility of staying in our relationship and working things out. He has said so and has done nothing in the year since he started with the OW to make his leaving to go to her possible other than pushing through the divorce. We are still in our home together and getting along better than ever. My problem is my need for reassurance. Recently he told me that I am actually pushing him further away with it. I have read a lot about our situation and I know that he is absolutely right. It is not fun or relaxing or comfortable to have to constantly reassure someone. My need for it definately doesn't make me attractive in his eyes. I try really hard but my situation is so much more difficult than I'd ever thought it would be. It is hard to live here with him, to love him, and to know that he talks to the OW everyday before he makes time for me. Everyday I find myself asking if we will have "our time" tonight. We always have, every night for 10 months now, we have sat together, sharing a glass of wine and talking things over. But I can't stop myself from asking. Several times a week, I just have to ask him if there is still a chance, if he is still thinking about the possibility of us together. All of my questions and needs do put a big damper on our time together but I can't seem to stop. At this point, he definately knows my opinion on all of this. He knows what I want and sees how much I have changed in order to make things better, (these were changes that needed to be made, they were not made just in an effort to keep him).
I have always had problems controlling my mouth. I like to think of it as honestly but I usually just say whatever is in my heart or on my mind. I am tactful and kind, but have never been one to hide my feelings from those people I care about. I am finding it next to impossible to change this now. Short of stapling my lips together, which would hardly be attractive either, does anyone have any ideas?
Thanks again Ladies! I guess this is probably a pretty silly post but you are all so much help to me and I really need it with this situation.

I think you know the answer to your own question.

If you really want to keep him...concentrate on you...not him. Your emotional and physical health should be your primary goal. Get out of the house, workout, eat healthy, find stuff to do, hang out with friends. Desperation just isn't attractive or endearing...men HATE that stuff...even if they're nice guys. If they're bad ones, they'll smell your weakness and use it to kick you around.

In taking care of yourself, you can't go wrong.

My thought is, if he wants to make this work and not get divorced, why is he still talking to the OW?
I know you might want this to work, but maybe a trial seperation is what is needed. Let you find yourself, decide what you really want AND let him decide if he wants the new and improved you, or the OW.
He cant have both in his life and expect a relationship with either to work.

Alone,

I have been reading your story for months now. My heart breaks for you because I know how much love, time and work you have put into your relationship. But I have to be honest. In my opinion he doesn't want you to bring it up because he knows what he is doing is wrong, he knows how much it is hurting you and he doesn't want to think about it or have to deal with it until he is gone. It bothers him that he hurt you so much because it makes him feel like a bad person and he doesn't want to feel that way.

Both of the other women who commented are right. Take care of yourself right now. He is either going to leave or he isn't but you can't can't force him into a decision or if you do, it won't be the one you want. The best thing to do is take the pressure off of him completely, enjoy your time together, but take care of yourself first. If he really doesn't want to go, he won't.

I pray for you every day and hope beyond hope that it all works out for you.
Teresa

I sure wish I knew the answer to that. Because you know you and I are so much alike. My ex just called me and we talked for a minute then the phone was silent. I kept saying "are you there??? Don't hang up on me!! and I just started crying, out of control crying. Well I hung up because he wasn't there. The phone rang right away and he was yelling into it "I will never hang up on you, I didn't hang up on you the phone just cut out. I was crying so hard by then I couldn't stop. He just kept telling me to take a breath and slow down and that he would never do that to me. We only talked for a few more minutes then he had to leave to go to dinner. He is working in in Montana this week and just got back to his room. He is going to call me when he gets back from dinner, if he remembers I hope.
so I also keep telling him how much I want him back and how I want our life back. I have to remind myself that he knows exactly how I feel so I shouldn't keep reminding him but it just comes out of my mouth. I keep thinking if I just say it one more time or say it the right way he is going to say "Ok I'm coming home" I know that is stupid and will never happen but it just comes out of my mouth before I can stop it. If I didn't love him I am sure it would not be an issue at all. What a mess our lives are in right now. I sure wish I could see a year into the future and know how this all turns out.
Well in the mean time we just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and try and keep our sanity. If it is meant to be it will be. That is easy to say but not so easy to live. Take care and I keep you in my prayers.