I wanted to write because your story is so similar to mine. I am currently separated from my husband of almost 19 years. I have 2 children. A 16 year old daughter and 14 year old son. My husband and I were literally best friends since the 1st grade. I still don't know exactly how we got to this place. We never really fought about anything. Everyone thought we were perfect together.
What I thought was a normal rough patch that people work through, turned out to be the end of us. I always trusted him with everything. He worked and paid for everything. I took care of the kids and the house. We did lose touch for a little while because he was traveling for work and I resented the long hours at the office. The kids and I learned to be without him. When he did come home at a decent time, he would fall asleep in front of the TV and snore so loudly. So I started to go upstairs to the guest room most every night. The distance kept growing. Even on the weekends, he would be impatient and grumpy with me and the kids over the smallest things, like not picking a restaurant fast enough. Being in the same room became a chore, but I thought since we weren't fighting it was okay.
Then on the Thursday before Easter in 2017 I came home from dropping off the kids at school and my husband was waiting to talk to me. He told me that he'd been having an affair for 2 years, which I found out later was actually 3 years. He cried and told me that he felt like we should take time apart to see if there was anything left between us. I sat in my chair and stared at him with absolutely no emotion. No tears, no reaction at all. I asked him what he planned to tell the kids and he said, the truth. So I asked him to pack before they came home and be ready to leave.
I ended up going to pick the kids up early from school because I needed him to be gone. I sat in our living room and watched him tell our children that he had been seeing "someone else" and that he was going to move out for a little while. My son crumbled to the ground and sobbed. My daughter, 14 at the time, sat stone-faced and stared at him just as I had done. I was proud of her for being so strong in that moment. The whole conversation took him 8 minutes and then he left.
I told my kids that we were going to be just fine because we had each other. I told them that he wasn't really home that much anymore anyway so nothing was going to change. Then I told them to get ready because we were going to a movie. I couldn't sit in the house and be sad. So we went to watch Beauty & the Beast. Probably seems like a strange thing to do but I felt like we all needed an escape.
During the next few days my husband and I spoke a few times. He asked if I could ever forgive him and I said I wasn't sure. I knew I would never forget but at the time I wanted to do the best thing for my kids. Long story short, I let him come back home to try and work on our marriage. He was home for a little over a year. I thought we were doing pretty good, even though I did feel a disconnect returning. His phone would be turned off on late nights at work again. He didn't come to bed until 2am in the morning. I asked what was going on and he said nothing. Then on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving I looked at his phone and saw a text from him to his best friend that said, "Things aren't so good at home again and I don't believe we'll pull through this time."
I was blindsided again. Except this time I was furious. I couldn't believe that after all I did to try and forgive him for the pain he caused our family- he would again lie to me and tell someone else that our marriage was over before talking to me. So I went to my kids and I told them that I was so sorry for putting them through everything but that I had to ask their Dad to leave. I told them that he did not want to be here with us and I couldn't continue living this way. They said they understood. So when my husband came home from work I told him that I seen his text and asked him to explain why he was jerking his whole family around again. He told me that he work was about to get really busy and he knew that I was not going to understand when he had to work late or travel so he figure he should leave before things got really bad for us. So I was supposed to take the blame for this failed marriage because I couldn't trust him for cheating on me and lying for 3 years. Again, I was furious. So I calmly told him to leave if he didn't feel capable of having a family and a career like so many other men can do. I told him that he made this choice and he would have to live with it.
He moved out that weekend. Not only did he move out, he chose to move 40 minutes away from his kids. He says he misses them so much but he chooses to only see them for about 2 hours a week. I honestly don't recognize him anymore. He used to be the best, most involved father. Now he is just absent from our lives, even when he is in the same room. I go out of my way to keep him involved with the kids lives by texting him funny pictures of them or sharing some kind of news about theirs lives, but there is still a deep distance between him and the kids. I hate it so much because I am not in touch with my own father and haven't been since I was in my 20's. I don't want that for my kids. I guess I'm learning that I really can't do anything to help him make things right with them. He has to do it on his own.
My only job is to keep my kids on a healthy path towards their futures.
We have not filed for divorce yet. As I said before, I always let him take care of all the money and I truly know nothing of our finances. I did find out several disturbing things he had done over the years with his girlfriend. Many vacations, helicopter trips, jewelry, and even a little Air Steam camper they had purchased together. All the details that came out were heartbreaking. Who was this man? Had I really known him since I was 6 years old? What was wrong with me that I let this happen? How did I not notice or even care what he was doing? Blind faith is a dangerous thing. So now I'm a 48 year old, stay at home mom of 14 years looking at a future alone. I have figure out how I'm going to support myself after my kids leave for college. It's all very scary. I feel quite trapped because he is still paying for all the bills while we are separated. He is uninterested in filing for divorce. I have been to see a lawyer but I'm afraid to talk to him about it because I don't want to rock the financial boat yet.
He and I have been communicating only about the kids for the past few months. When he wants to see them he comes to my house and we'll all have dinner together. It's all quite friendly because I will not put my kids in the middle of this. I do try to get him to take the kids out away from the house but he knows that they really don't want to go with him alone. My son with put up a fight about not going unless I go too. It's like they all need me to be the buffer between them. What they don't see is that it's so hard for me to have these dinners with the man that was my best friend and husband, and to pretend that I'm just fine with how everything has turned out. I can't show my fear, or my pain, or my anger to any of them. Sometimes I dream about winning the lottery so I would not have to seek any support from him. I want to be able to take my kids on vacations and pay for their cars and college without any help from him. But instead I have to be very strategic and play nice with this man that has destroyed my family so that he will continue to support us financially. I try to tell myself that one day I may actually be as strong and I am pretending to be, but I may be lying to myself more than anyone else.

I'm sorry for the book I just wrote. It's the very first time I put it in writing and I couldn't stop it was pouring out. Thank you to anyone that reads it. I hope it makes sense.

Steph, I’ve just got out of a 29 year marriage and my story sounds the same. I had known my husband since I was 13 years old. My divorce was finalized in December which he filed. I told him I hope she is worth losing your family and still to this day he won’t admit to his wrong doings.
This has been the most heartbreaking and painful thing I have ever experience in my entire life. Something in me has changed for ever and I will never get over the hurt he has caused me and my youngest daughter because she was still living in the house and it was her senior year in high school when he decided to drop this bomb. In the past year this has effected my job pèrformance, my health emotionaly and physically. I’m a big mess trying to figure out where do I go from here. I try keeping myself busy by attending a divorce support group which helps and stay involved in my church.
I’m trying to find happiness again and learn how to enjoy being by myself. People keep saying he’s going to want to come back but I’ll never let another man get that close and destroy me from the inside out.
Steph be encouraged that you will get through this it takes time. It’s all about one day at a time. Don’t give up on yourself and know that God hasn’t given up on you. Trust and believe he’s there with us even when we feel alone. Better days are coming for all of us, just keep your eye towards the hills from which our help comes from.
Pray pray pray and ask God to help you through this difficult time and to heal your broken heart.

Thank you for sharing your story. My husband dropped the bomb 2 weeks after our oldest daughter's wedding and she is completely devastated. He has taken away her ability to enjoy being a newlywed and for that alone I will never forgive him. He, like your husband, seems to have no remorse for destroying our family and because of this I am actively moving from sadness to anger in the grieving process. It's been 6 months since the first time he told me he wanted out of the marriage and 3 months since the last time and although I don't cry as much as I did in the beginning, I'm still heartbroken and see no light at the end of the tunnel yet. I hope you can stay strong and that better days are ahead for all of us.

Thanks for sharing the story, I am in the process and it describes so well how do I feel. I also have 3 kids and suddenly, He stop seeing them. I feel your pain, your anger and your courage and kindness of not putting the kids in the middle. Life goes on, take care of yourself and believe that your new chapter is going to be awesome. Hugs and good vibes from a stranger walking on a similar journey

Hello, Transquila

Sad to hear from your story. May I get to know you ? Thanks

Do you able to add my mobile app contact ?

Cheers

Hello, Dear Steph

Sad to hear from your story. May I get to know you ? Thanks

Do you able to add my mobile app contact ?

Cheers

Steph, thank you for sharing your story. I know how painful this is as I am in the same boat. Sometimes it's just helpful to unload and say what you need to say to strangers because it's easier or less humiliating than burdening close friends and family members. We,on this forum, are all suffering together and in that I hope you can find some solace that you're not alone. I'm finding out how incredibly lonely this process is, especially since my husband was the person I considered my best friend and soulmate. I can't confide in my kids, even though they are adults, and that doesn't leave me with many options. This is all new to me so I can't offer much advice but I'm happy to lend an ear and offer support. Stay strong for yourself and your kids.

My children (twins 28 years) have declared that they are "Switzerland" (neutral). I think this is totally appropriate and I refrain from getting them involved. At the same time, they have been wonderfully supportive, calling to check in, helping with things I am totally abysmal at doing (computer). Today, with crazy snow, my daughter called to find out if I needed help with snow removal.

So, I respect their "Switzerland neutrality" with the specifics and I get loving support in return.