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Is there any hope

Hello. I’m here hoping to hear female advice and perspectives .

My wife and I are married 20 years - I’m 46 and she’s 47. We have a beautiful 12 yo daughter. We both have good careers with me being the main income earner. I take my family to Europe for two weeks almost every summer, do the Disney thing for our daughter etc.

My wife always was insecure she didn’t like how I was always close with my parents and family and oddly called me mommas boy and insulted me. My family adores her and always treated her like a daughter. I like keeping house clean and if I did dishes before she came home and put away silverware she would mock me and say taking control of the kitchen? Want an apron? She would let the sink get really full and actually smell so I tried letting her have it - she. I asked her why she hurt me she said she didn’t think thst was manly thing to do. She would go in silverware and mix up the organized silverware I put away and say I had ocd .


So last August after we returned from two weeks vacation I noticed her really acting strange - long story short she started having and affair with someone at work a 50 yo dovorved Ex marine guy, really good talker really strong personality - security guy at her work. I confronted him 4 times and told him it’s stay away.

He’s giving her legal advice and motivated her to not be scared to divorce me and to be with him he talked her into that ournraugjter wouldn’t care and will be fine

So my part- I never cheated never crossed lines never went to bars or anything like that was always with my family.
I’m guilty of hurting her with words when we argued - when she would get mad at me for stupid things like I described , or even sometimes if I wanted to take a day off and stay home and rest she would insult me - I would curse her , threaten divorce , saying if she doesn’t stop it’s over and it would hurt her as she never brought up dovorve before . She never would.

Now she’s with the affair partner and I’ve seen ugly things they have done (texts etc) she even sent him pics of herself in her panties which hurt as she never did that with me - she we had sex it was amazing alway loved making love to her just of course not often enough working and having a child in the house.

Anyway I tried this summer and took us away every weekend to shore which is my wife’s favorite place - and we went to her country Portugal for two weeks which I paid for all to hope it will help her snap out of it. I even had to pay my tickets twice as my daughters passport was not writhing the expiration date and lost the flight and had to rebook them - I didn’t want to let my wife down as she really wanted to go.

Since back from vacation and back to work she’s becaimeing meaner as she was before again never wears her ring and never wants to have sex with me now- she’s acting like she doesn’t talk to him but I know she is . She brought up dovorve a few times .

I am hurting as she is the only woman I loved and I feel so bad about this happening to our daughter I don’t understand it - I always thought she would appreciate the life I’m giving her and she’s just crazed about this *******. He lives in a ****ty shack too and I keep thinking not to be mean but why she got attention and he made her feel more feminine and the sex from the affair just has her wanting to leave

I’m trying to be less begging and groveling and trying to not talk about our relationship because she just says all the things I said during arguments but she says the affair nonregrets - we were on the way out anyway.

I tell her I’m here for us I love her and I don’t want a divorce andbim sorry for the hurtful things I said in oast but they really were from being hurt and I got emotional.

The ring she has was special / her old ring was stolen from our home from one of her family members , I replaced it and surprised her with our daughter 5 at time - took her to New York on horse and carriage ride Central Park and proposed to her again. It doesn’t mean anything to her I guess .

I’m so depressed all I do is cry and feel hopeless / I always. Went to the gym and worked out since we dated - this guy even talked her into thinking I go to gymto meet women or to just look at women - so I barely go to gym because I don’t want to it she’s insecure about that too

The only hope is she didn’t serve me papers yet and we still live home together - maybe she has a change of heart.

I pay for everything she keeps her money to herself and only pays anything for our daughter like classes and such . Which hellos but I don’t know where all her other money goes.

I’m so stressed. How can I trust any other woman if my wife and my only live betrayed me for a bad man like this.

Re: Is there any hope

To answer your question, yes, there is definitely hope! If I can recommend a book to help, an author named Dorian Wright actually felt the same way you did after their divorce experience. You can find it at:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1693393220

The book proves that there truly is a better life waiting for you. It is definitely hard, but it can definitely be done!! I also recommend listening to your local Christian station, on XM it is called "The Message". It's not preachy at all, and definitely helps at times like these.

Re: Is there any hope

Maybe there is hope if this guy leaves if it's a bedroom thing he just decides he wants (variety). My ex threatened to leave 4 times in the marriage, then left when our daughter went off to college. People don't forget things said like that. Things weren't perfect, but I was a good wife, just neglected from the start. Best wishes.

Re: Is there any hope

You are you. Do not change. Most women would love to have a husband like you but not all women are the same. If you change your not being yourself and you will live unhappy being fake through life. Your wife needs an lesson, a terrible life experience. She doesn’t appreciate what she has and she hasn’t been on the other side of the fence in two ways. First she’s not in your shoes and second she has never had a terrible lazy husband that does nothing with her, the kids or the house.
Unfortunately you clearly state that she is the only person for you. You definitely deserve better. My only suggestion for you would be to try another approach off the wall but being honest I would had been done with her a long time ago being in your shoes.
First stop paying while she’s banking. You will and can only lose at this point. You’re paying all to try to keep her. You cannot buy love my friend. It only comes naturally. Start spending time alone with your kids. I would get them use to that. Their feelings need to come first before any. A separation will drastically effect them. Good luck

Re: Is there any hope

Mary: I just re-read his post. I totally agree with you. He also needs to go for a consultation with a Lawyer and I hope she moves in with the guy she's having the affair with, too.