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Just need to vent and get some thoughts/opinions

This is quite the epic saga at this point and there are aspects of this that have little to do with the divorce itself, so please bear with me as I want to genuinely receive some real input and insight from outside perspectives here that aren't my family that are kind of obligated to be 'team me'.
I'm gonna go back a little ways here to the the start of 2018 as that does have a certain amount of bearing on the situation, at least from my perspective. I had quit my lucrative career in August of 2017 to be a full time mom to my profoundly disabled daughter and her toddler little sister, and after years of being the bread winner send out a wing and a prayer that my (ex) spouse would stop being a pizza delivery driver after 20+ years and finally start doing his share to take care of the family.
(Back story here in that we married in 2010 after he was already twice divorced from wife #1 with allegations of emotional abuse and wife #2 with an arrest record for physical abuse and allegations of animal and child abuse and neglect. Yeah, major red flags, but hindsight is 20/20. He began automatically with the emotional abuse with me and in 2011 moved on to sexual abuse.He also admitted to me in 2015 that he has sexually assaulted all four of his daughters over the years and his parent's dog when he was a young man.)
Back to 2018......January 1st our daughter was hospitalized with RSV and was in very bad condition and that same day I crashed and totaled my minivan. Then she had to go in for surgery and have a g-tube placed, then she pulled the g-tube out and had to have surgery a second time, then he crashed his car, then we moved, then his parents gave me a car and then he told them I didn't deserve it so they took it back, then he found out I had finally (after 7 years) told the first person ever about his abuse and he completely demolished that friendship and smiled at me as he bragged about how powerful that made him feel, then I found out he was cheating on me, and finally in August of 2018 he assaulted me sexually again and I snapped. I had been holding it together and fighting back serious depression and feeling like the world was completely against me, but between the depression and the PTSD I flew off the handle and tried to 'get revenge' against him which just led to him sexually assaulting me 2 more times. And then I did finally crash and burn from the weight of it all and ended up in a mental hospital. This led to blowing the criminal charges against him and by the time we ended up in court in July of 2019, the judge flat out stated that he was more believable than I was and awarded him 50/50 custody, but with conditions.
Now here we are - he has not paid any support since July's court order and has not met most of the conditions to step up the parenting plan to the time he wants and was technically awarded. I am going to be filing contempt of court paperwork against him and have at least pointed out to him that he is in violation of the court order and he has started mocking me and telling me I'm wrong and that if I try to stand up for myself he knows that he'll be proven right like he always is and getting down right nasty in his communications. Certainly, mine haven't been great either as my nerves are still pretty shot after all of this, but I am trying every day.
But all of this combined has definitely left me feeling persecuted (for lack of a better word) and that I can't do anything right and that absolutely nothing will go my way now or ever again and that my abuser and my children's abuser is just going to get to walk away and through this with no consequences and with my children. My children aren't safe, I'm depressed out of my mind and broke beyond description and have no transportation and just keep sinking lower and lower and it's just gotten to a point that it almost feels pointless to continue to try to fight and like no one will ever listen to me. I have been listening to all these meditations and trying to 'raise my vibration' and be more positive and lead with love and turn the other cheek, but I also don't want to let down my children anymore than I already have! But it seems like the more I fight him, whatever force is out there in the universe keeps punishing me for trying to stand up for myself and my girls! The degree to which this keeps happening has honestly left me feeling like I should just give up and that whatever rules over our collective existence is saying that my ex is in the right and I'm in the wrong and that continues to loop me back into even worse depression. I'm trying to get into therapy and on antidepressants and trying to focus on finding work and improving who I am as a parent and as a person and not think about him or what he is doing, but this situation truly feels hopeless at this point.
Is this just a loss cause? Do I just have to accept that he 'won'? Does anyone have any new videos or gurus or groups they know of to help me continue to raise the positivity in my life and my girls' lives and to finally start getting this ship back on a course that is survivable? I must be doing something wrong or just have a metric ton of bad karma to work through cause I can't seem to get anything to go right or good in my life anymore. Does anyone have any advice?
Thanks in advance.

Re: Just need to vent and get some thoughts/opinions

I can't read all that, without leaving a comment, and my little advice. :heart: You need to definitely get yourself healthy -mentally and physically. Just like on the airplane... help yourself first, then you can help your children. As Mom, you need to put them first. Everything needs to be about what you need to do for them... not what you need to do to spite him or get back at him. You, unfortunately, chose him... now you know (like you said 20/20 hindsight) that you now need to deal with him. He will always be your children's father. Once you get your mental health stronger, you can fight for them with a clear head. I don't know where you live, but if you don't have a job and you have 2 kids, going through a divorce - the county you live in should have resources to help you for free. If you are looking for instant gratification, youtube has a lot of good meditation videos that can maybe help you to feel better and calm you a little. I believe that we are not dealt anything that we can't handle. This too will pass! :heavy_heart_exclamation_mark_ornament:

Re: Just need to vent and get some thoughts/opinions

Jennifer: I also agree with the other poster about getting yourself healthy. See if there is a women's services center in your area to call to help with your needs and the needs of your kids. Some of these places also give free legal help. I would also contact the Domestic Violence Hotline. This man should only visit his kids in a supervised visitation center. See about getting child support sent electronically from his account if he has one. Get whatever help you need whether it's from family, Welfare, a Food Pantry, Public Housing, a church, until you get back on your feet. I hope he never has more kids with anyone and that you see as little of him as humanly possible. A man like this, in my opinion, could end up in jail. If you are able to get a Lawyer someday, I recommend a Family Lawyer who also handles divorce, and I would try for full custody since he's not paying support and not complying with conditions. Please tell the Lawyer he's not paying and not meeting conditions. Read about child support and custody laws on a reputable web site for your State.