Hello, need to end my marriage but have a teenage boy who loves his dad and really doesn't know what goes on behind his back as far as his father abusing his mother. He has severe anxiety, ADHD, emotional issues, and executive functioning issues. Goes to a private school that he loves but the dysfunctional environment has destroyed his self esteem and how he interacts with the world. He and I are both in therapy and on medication to deal with our ridiculous life while daddy takes no responsibility, blames me for everything and hides the abuse from our son. I am killing mystified trying to make things as "normal" as possible under impossible circumstances, but his therapist assured me he is not strong enough to handle a divorce, and agree, considering the frequent meltdowns my son has that are triggered by minimal issues or just a mood. It's easy to say kids are resilient and he can't run our lives but that's not the case. He has struggled and suffered terribly because I believed my husband that I was the dysfunctional mess he claimed I was (despite not having relationships or experiences like this prior to the marriage), and I thought early on that I needed to work on myself and save my marriage while he lived however he chose to live and behave. Bottom line is that I have places to stay but I cannot uproot my son from the home and the father he loves without causing more damage to him. I want him to be able to separate himself from what goes on at hone, I want him to be strong and independent, and I want him to be able to be prepared for college and for life. All I hear are horror stories about teens with mental illness ending up in a terrible state especially once they're in college. In the meantime, I've moved out of the bedroom and do what I can to keep the peace while my husband continues his narcissistic ways and sees me as hostile whereas I'm really only setting boundaries. I have been struggling terribly with anxiety and depression from all of this, yet my son still sees me as the competent parent, so all of my energy goes toward helping to stabilize him and feel safe. I desperately need to get out of this but I cannot leave my son and I pray every day my husband, who does not even love or care about me, finally realizes that we cannot continue to subject our child to this indefinitely and then expect him to be ok in college. I just cannot figure out what to do, cannot even get a job and if I do it would provide minimal income because I have no career or college degree. I have tried many things to find substantial work but because of the many issues that have come up for my son and my own struggles as well, I'm making no headway at all and can't find a reasonable way out that doesn't wreck my already struggling child. I've consulted with therapists, attorneys, divorce coaches and mediators, friends who've "been there," and tons of online research and I'm still coming up empty. I hate that this sounds like I'm using my child as an excuse to not leave (as some people have decided is the case), because that is not true at all. It's me and my lack of ability to find a reasonable and doable way out without hurting anyone, even my abusive husband. I just want peace and I want to heal from this disgusting abuse. Thanks.

Stuckmom: I personally wouldn't sacrifice my sanity for an abusive husband and I don't think this environment is any good for your son, either. If it were me, I would visit a Family Lawyer who also handles divorce (I had one and they are best when kids are involved). My ex left when our daughter was 18 and in college. I just told her to enjoy her life and not get wrapped up in what we were doing - wish my parents had done the same with me. It makes me wonder how your son is being treated by him. I would have him pay you alimony and/or child support (have a Lawyer make all the arrangements) and have your husband visit him at a Visitation Center to have his behavior monitored. That's just my two cents. Maybe you will get lucky and this abusive man will just leave!

I'm exactly where you are right now. I have two kids who adore their dad, who is a narcissist supreme. After 16 years, though, I finally had enough. We're just at the beginning stages, and he's not making it easy on me at all. In fact, I'm sitting in my office, just shaking at the thought of going home again to get piled on with rants about how terrible I am.

It's the right decision because I cannot live like this anymore, but the process is just awful. I am having anxiety attacks like crazy. I don't expect it to be easy, but I know that ultimately I will be able to live the rest of my life without constantly being criticized and put down.

I'm most pained over how my kids (12 and 9) will respond. I know it will be hard. That's what is tearing me to pieces right now.

If you have a bad marriage, consider divorce but try to maintain a cordial relationship and cooperate on custody, visitation, etc. There are concerns when lawyers are involved that each lawyers tells his/her client she is right and needs to be more assertive.