I was married for 3 years to a man I held on a pedestal. I never thought I’d ever get married and I was ok with that. Meeting my soon to be ex-husband changed my view on marriage because he was so different. He was my everything. I came from nothing and never had a close family. For once in my life I felt truly loved, safe, and protected...but no for long...

Within 3 months of being married, I found him sexting other women. He sent graphic messages to them and photos. It was appalling and shocking. I never doubted or questioned him before this and it absolutely changed the way I looked at him.

He had a way about himself when it came to making excuses or denying things. He was a great actor. I was so fooled. He knew how to get you hooked. He knew how to spin things.

And yet I blamed myself and made excuses for him. I had medical issues and intimacy was painful. I felt he wasn’t getting what he needed and that’s why he did what he did. A few months later, I had a complete hysterectomy at the age of 30. This certainly didn’t help with improving intimacy at the time but I had thought it would in the long term.

I noticed he deleted all calls and messages daily when he told me I could always check his phone and email. My gut told me he was hiding things and yet I didn’t snoop. Shortly after that we were out and he had his Facebook account up. We were looking up the restaurant we were at but he forgot to erase his search history. That history showed all the women he had recently looked up, including each of the women he sexted 6 months prior. I started to shut down even more physically and emotionally.

Not long after I found naked photos of his best friend’s wife on his phone and photos of half naked women he knew personally in his email. I couldn’t even look at him without feeling disgusted. I didn’t want to be near him or intimate. He kept trying to force intimacy and would try and take advantage of me if I drank. He would give me sleeping pills because I had problems sleeping. Only to realize he was having sex with me when I was knocked out. My sick mind at the time thought he is my husband so it’s not rape. My psychologist was the one who helped me realize just how wrong that was.

I felt gross. I felt shame. I felt disrespected. I felt like an object.

I became afraid of him.

I knew he wouldn’t change but I felt stuck. I had sold everything I had prior to moving into his home. I quit my job because it was an hour away closer to where I lived at the time and took another job closer once we lived together. I was laid off 3 months later and out of work. I spent months seeking solid employment without a single interview. Finally I decided to start my own business.

In order to pay for the cost to start a business, I used up all my personal credit cards and tended bar somewhere I hated just to pay my own bills. Granted, my husband paid the mortgage and most home expenses, I still had my own bills to pay.

Slowly I was gaining clients and building a portfolio but it wasn’t enough to leave and be on my own. And in a sick way I couldn’t help that I still loved him and wanted to not give up. I went through a lot of therapy and attempted marriage counseling as well. He didn’t make a real effort though and things never changed.

During our time together, my father and grandmother both passed. I received a small inheritance that I used up to start over. So one day while he was at work, I packed up what I had and left. I knew I had to do it but I didn’t anticipate the amount of shame and guilt I would feel after.

I kept questioning myself and what I could have done differently. I felt sorry for him. He was a great actor and knew how to manipulate me. The emotional roller coaster was intense. It seriously felt like a death. The depth of pain I felt was unbearable. My hair started falling out in clumps, my eyelashes fell off, my entire body ached, my stomach was a mess, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t focus, and I had lost control of my emotions. I didn’t know how to cope because he was my support and best friend for so many years. He was my go-to.

His entire family and friends all deleted me on social media. He spun things around and told him I left him for someone else. He told his kids that I was trying to take his house and retirement, and so on. And not once did I share what really happened with anyone associated with him.

Eventually after I left him I found out more things he had done while we were together. My ex sister-in-law confessed that he groped her up at one of my birthday parties and showed me messages he sent her while we together. I’m assuming she wasn’t so innocent either and maybe that’s why she never said anything at the time.

I also reached out to his ex wife before I left him as well. I wanted to hear her side of things that happened because he always made her out to be a cheater and liar. Apparently to this day he still sends her messages and photos of himself. He was talking to her and lied about it the entire time we were together (they don’t have children together).

At that point I decided I would not do an uncontested divorce. It cost me a good $50,000 to start over. From rent, to another car, to starting my business over, and other bills - I used my inheritance and went into even more credit card debt to get by.

I filed for spousal support which he claimed I committed adultery so we had to have a hearing about it. Of course he knew I never cheated but he hates to lose. It cost me $3,200 to get a whopping $500 a month which won’t last long. Basically if I’m lucky, it’ll cover what it cost me to fight for.

The next step is a divorce settlement. Now he’s trying to hide accounts and make things difficult so I don’t get anything. His family members messaged me. His daughter wrote me blaming me now she can’t get married when she wants because her dad can’t pay for things because of me, how I’m not entitled to his home or his retirement, how I don’t deserve anything, how I’m taking away from her brother’s education, and so on.

My own family was upset w me when I left him. I felt judged and I did everything I could to make it work. I feel like I’m being judged. I feel like I’m being looked at as unreasonable. I feel our mutual friends view me as a gold-digging ***** because of the lies he feeds them. I feel guilty for standing up for myself. I feel shame. I feel hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel disrespected. I feel angry. I feel broken. I feel alone.

Even after things are finalized, I know it’s going to take me a long time to get over it all. It’s been 16 months since I left and I do not feel any better. It effects me every day.