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Where do I start?

My marriage has been over for awhile. It’s hard. I feel scared. I don’t know where to start. I don’t have much of a career as I stayed at home for years. I have kept myself isolated for years. This marriage has taken away who I REALY am. I feel alone. I feel like I have no one. Don’t know where to even start. Three beautiful children and fear that I have to be in contact with their father even after this is all figured out. I just want this to be as painless and quick as possible. I feel like a failure being a soon to be divorced mother of three. But I cannot have my girls looking at the example we are setting for them. We have’t been on the same page for awhile. We just can’t overcome his infidelity which he minimizes. Anyway, anyone.... any advice on where to start.

Re: Where do I start?

Hi Ange,
This is, unfortunately very common situation.
A lot of people (often men) are using and manipulating their spouse to feel more powerful, more intelligent, more anything they are lacking. Most of the time, it is unconscious.

The fact that you found yourself with this man, is not a coincidence either. At one point something in him attracted you. Maybe he made you feel secured or loved. He was also bringing you something you were missing.

Then manipulation start changing you. More and more you adjust yourself to become the person he needs you to be.
That's how you lose yourself, and start feeling sad, unhappy or/and angry.

There is a way you can go back to who you really are and find back your strength and confidence.

1st step is to understand and accept that it is not your fault.
You have to forgive yourself and your husband (that takes longer). If he is the way he is, that's because he has a lot going on inside him. He's probably not aware of how much he needs help.
Tip. One thing that helped me with that was to tell myself that he was sick, he was the one who needed help.

You are the sane one.

2nd step is to move on. Past is past. Nothing you can do to change it. So no time should be wasted in feeling bad about it. Instead, take some times reviewing what you learnt from it. What made you become the person you became. Maybe it was a protection. Maybe it was necessary at that time.
That will help you grow and prepare for the future.
Now, you don't need to be this person anymore. You need to be yourself. The strong and happy person you've been made for.

3nd You will need to work on yourself. Who you are, what are your true core values, what YOU like or dislike, what you really want to do, your goals...

After that, things will start getting better.
Good luck - :kissing_heart:

Re: Where do I start?

Hi Ange! I can completely relate to your story and I am glad to come across it, though I do hope you are doing better and finding support.
I have been off and on saying the same thing - Where do I start? Your not alone. We’re not alone!
I have been in a very emotionally abusive relationship and feeling very manipulated and stuck. Not enough support/resources.
I read the response to you from Sophie Clement and I thought her response was very good. Wise.
The past is the past and when one is in pain and hurting it can take time to heal and look at our own part. For myself when I got involved with my husband whom I met in 1996 we became fast friends and he was very charming and still is very charming to everyone else he meets. With me though it’s daily belittling, undermining, manipulating, he’s very calculating, exacting, secretive, minimizes, yet I still beg for live and affection from him even after he does very degrading things to me.
He was married and I was with someone else. I was not interested in becoming intimate with him. He persued me for a couple years. I now know what the terms Love bombing and gas lighting means. It is very destructive. Even knowing it and wanting out so badly I feel scared and trapped too. I know my my part looking back is I lost my mother in 1998, was raising 2 kids with no child support, and he was like this savior for me. I was truly exhausted from work, my mother dieing, and having to go to a shelter. He earned my trust very quickly and I’m not a easily trusting person. He is like a chameleon. He can fit in effortlessly with millionaires or an addict you wouldn’t trust in your home(not to judge anyone). He is self employed and is on a 17,000 job and has a 40,000 job lined up puts that in my face then manipulates the money he gets paid and when he gets just enough for current bills and gas. He is always able to get people on his side. He always knows what to say, when to say it, how to say it. When I got with him I thought he was the most caring guy I’d ever met.
I did not learn of serious problems for years. I learned about things always by accident. Lien on house, seeing other women year and a half later. Seeing other women. All swear no Affair, just methadone and whatever pills. The thing is it hurts as much as if they where affairs. The lies. Their kids knowing him intimately hugging him as if they knew him for years. Will I’m hoping to find new ways to work on myself and release this toxicity I’ve inherited so that I can heal this pain and anguish. He can have the nerve to tell me that I have to learn to let things go and says if I can give you any advice just let things be and try to get along. Mind you he tells me this after trying to discuss with him how I feel when he is gaslighting, setting me up. Then I don’t cope well with it and react. Awful pattern I am trying so very hard to recognize and break AND BREAK FREEEE!!!

Re: Where do I start?

Hello Ladies! I am so saddened to read all of your stories which sound awfully familiar to mine. I have been with my husband for 9 years and married for 5. When we met, he was very charming, caring and sweet and would do almost anything for me and my 2 children I had from a previous relationship. There were so many red flags, it almost makes me sick to the stomach that I ignored them. He was irresistible and I became weak for him. Him and I have 3 kids together, which makes 5 for me but he always claimed my 2 as his own.

Over the years, I have asked him why does he stay if he's unhappy. He always tells me he is happy and loves his family. His actions show otherwise. I have always worked, I am in school full-time to get my bachelor's degree and I take care of the kids, household chores, shopping, kids maintenance, etc. All he does is work. He's always out with friends, after work sometimes he doesn't come home until 9 or 10 at night. When the pandemic hit, our children could not go to school and I sacrificed my good paying job to be home with them. He often makes me feel so low even though I know I am worth much more than this, I fear no man would want me with 5 kids and I am emotionally scarred fro the emotional neglect and abuse.

I t was almost as if I had to beg for him to spend time with me and the kids. If he didnt want to do it, he didnt. End of story. Every time we have gone through something, he has met women and started treating me like garbage. He blames me for saying we shouldn't be together for a while as his excuse to deal with women even though we are still very much married and living together. It has gotten so bad that I had to seek therapy. I now realize that I am dealing with a narcissist who has not healed from childhood trauma of his mother being on drugs and leaving him to live with hi grandmother. He has so much resentment built up and it effects everyone around him. My oldest daughter is the scapegoat child and our middle son is the child he ignores. When I am ready to leave he starts the love bombing and gas lighting which makes me feel like I've done something wrong and the fact I am still in love with him, I end up staying. A vicious, ugly cycle. There is much more but I'd be typing all day.

Researching narcissistic disorders has helped me understand that this is a battle I will never win. While I am still fighting to get myself back, it has lightened the load and I am preparing to leave. It won't be easy but It has to happen.

I pray that all of you find peace and happiness. xx

Re: Where do I start?

Hi Corine,
I'm so sorry for what you have to go through. Like having 5 kids to take care of was not enough!

What you said here: "I now realize that I am dealing with a narcissist who has not healed from childhood trauma" is the key for many women on this site.
A lot of men are in this situation. Therefore, they are the one with issues, NOT YOU.

It feels incredibly rewarding for them to experience having power over someone else. It makes them feel so good (for a little while) that it becomes addictive. It is a recognized mental health issue.

Once you understand that, you understand that you are not whatever he claims you to be, or what he makes you feel you are.

You are the strong person who holds everything together. Without you, this family is nothing. Start here. By working on how wonderful you are as a mother but also as a woman. Don't let your fears believe you won't be able to move on with your life.

Right now, you have to decide what's best for you and for your family. If you would like him to be part of the family, maybe some couple therapy is the solution. (I just make assumption as I don't have much information).

If you think he is not fitting in anymore, then think about how you could move on. Having 5 children requires some adjustment for sure, but nothing is impossible. FOR EACH PROBLEM, THERE IS A SOLUTION.

Right now, your brain is probably overwhelmed by your feelings. Write them down, challenge them and turn them around.

Once you think clearer, then you can make better decision.

Hugs and Love :kissing_heart: