I left my ex two years ago after ongoing cheating and emotional abuse. I let him have everything house vehicles etc so long as I had the higher percentage of our kids. He is a classic narcissist. We’re talking cheating while I was in the hospital with our newborn self centered. Owning my mistakes. Know I’m an empath and fixer if damaged people. Long story short it’s been two years and I can’t afford a lawyer so we are mediating. But he is king of the social performance of being a “great fun guy”. Meanwhile I’m solo raising our children 90% of each week. Lost friends and family who can’t shake this notion of him being a jerk. Again my mistake, I was a dutiful wife who helped sell the lie. He’s been actively dating with pics of him an our kids on dating sites.

I left suburbia to get out of living a life of covering up and lying about the man who was hurting me. I wanted this. I wanted out. But I am feeling so alone and hurt by those who’s kids I had over every day after school now choosing to maintain friendships with him since he is (and has ample time) to be active in the community. I need new friends. Working moms.... versus my suburban stay at home past friends. I have tried using meetup but not finding any clear “divorce support” groups. I’m not looking to date. I couldn’t put my kids through that. They’ve been through enough. Unlike our neighbors, my kids do see and know what’s going on with their dad and have been asking not to have to go to his home at all. That’s my one thing I go on.... knowing I am a good mom.

I just want to raise my kids and daughter to not be okay with the relationship I endured and I want my son to know how not to be as a man and father. I don’t bad mouth their dad to them at all but the effort it takes to portray civility at social events with those who
Love my ex is exhausting.

Any advice?!! Women’s groups? Divorce groups?

It's your opening sentence ending with pain and Toxic relationship that I instantly related to.
I read your concerns and I partially relate as far as your ex's behavior.
I'm a week into our separation but we had been living a separate life under same roof for years.
I can relate when you say.."my fault"...their faults is not our fault...we just kept hoping for change all along realising it's not gonna happen...they are not gonna love purely, genuinely.
Anyway...I've got a son and I do not want my now xhusband trying to be another son to me.
Had his own room ...above my head...on his phone...never called me to see if I'm ok or alive ...the job I do.
I definitely helped him like a son definitely had the unconditional thing going on but it became sickening. It's like when life happened to me negatively..he could not he inspireing or supportive and loveing...I was alone and all that goes along with that state of emergency. I problem solve constantly of all our affairs...
I married in 98. We had a son in 01 and he'd been in and out thru out and I moved far from home and he came to us. He used my car got a job and bought his own car..it doesn't matter...fast forward 5 years...he was never there and when here he's not here...no support of anything...no conversations ..no holding hands..no hugs....nothing!!!!
Torture...in the soul... When I was sick with diverticulitis for first time ...much pain ...he heard me in my room in pain...never asked what's wrong...I asked him to leave and never come back by text then I fell asleep..I woke up in pain and went to ER he was at work...never called to find out why I asked him to leave or whatever else any caring human would do...he came to my home and got his things, not all, and got a room ...I came home from ER Monday nite, son was scared I was dieing, dear God..., and he was in a motel room...I went to his work next day to get things out of me to the source of putting it there and I saw the same person like yearsssss ago...a manchildteenage boy...just cocky and cold and I walked away without looking at him...I realised it's useless now at 52... The only thing wonderful of our marriage is our son....I'm half a hundred and desire a truefriend someone to love and be loved before life starts to end in health....but the thought of it never happening puts me back to a thought of action I'd do all the time with us is tuck my tIl swallow my pride and beg him back...It's draining to think of doing it and doing it....it's sickening...fear I believe keeps me in this state of mind. I need to do something positive...He's caused my stress in my gut...he's tormented me ignoreing me. I thought him being here would help my son have a complete family. My parents have passed and I find myself still going to them in my soul while feeling this betrayal and sadness of someone who does not care.
I get angry and I suppress it in my gut...I get relieved he's not upstairs above me at nite when I try to sleep and suppressing he's not by my side holding my hand thru life. It's torture to love and expect to be loved.
I'm free but mind still in this state of ." How can he walk away so easily" I've been there longer than his own mother...helping him thru all of his troubles...ETC... SO MUCH MORE TO SHOW MY LOYALTY
he will not even pick my bags up and put in car while I'm in pain and that's what started it last Sunday...you know ...I'm a truck driver and I've been out 5 days out of week ..he had it made...
Nothing matters really...I just think it does
I'm searching for an outlet...I want to live long...Life is good and I want it ...He still makes me sick...I want to call him and tell but I will not...I play it forward in my mind and it will not matter...I will not be satisfied...he will continue this cause he knows it hurts me and that's horrid torture

God help me always

When I read you, it can feel your pain.

Tell me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that you still are very attached to this man, even if you don't want to.
You want him out of your life but in the same time, you still hope that something happen, that he miraculously change and become the loving and caring man you need.

Because that's what you really need. You need someone who is really here for you. Someone who truly loves you and care for you.
However, I doubt this man will ever give you any of these. All you will get from him will be frustrations, sadness and anger.

The first step will be to work on yourself. You have to be the one to take care of you, and LOVE you. Put yourself first and give yourself what you need. Once you accepted yourself as you are and you started to get more confidence, things will change for you.

You won't be attached anymore and you will start feeling more in peace.

Focus on yourself and give yourself everything you deserve.

When you are happy, you are healthy. And then, things happen naturally. You will start attracting the right people to you.
People who care.

Sending you my positive and loving vibes.:kissing_heart:

Hi Meg,
you said "love my ex is exhausting"
YES it is. Because you are not done working on your feelings/emotions for him. You are still carrying some stuff that are maybe difficult to forget and forgive.
You probably feel it is unfair. (and it is)
Just like you said, he is seen as "the cool and nice guy", while YOU KNOW what's behind the scene.

Toxic Relationship is often (or always...) going with manipulation/emotional abuse/control...
It is toxic because you are, somehow, forced to follow-up his/her lead. He/She is in charge. You become a follower, the person they want you to be.

This is hard. The worst part of it... You end up feeling guilty.
Guilty for leaving him/her, guilty for saying something bad about him/her, guilty for having bad feeling for her/him.
You believe that most of it is your fault.

Well Meg, that's the part you need to work on to be able to completely forgive him. If you do, it won't be as exhausting.
It will become practical (vs emotional). Then sharing kids education will be easier and you won't be as hurt by his actions.

Sending you positive and loving vibes :kissing_heart: