Womans Divorce Forum

Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!

Womans Divorce Forum
Start a New Topic 
Author
Comment
Divorce in your 20s

Hi all,

I just wanted some guidance and input into my current situation.

I'm a 25 year old female married to a 30 year old male. We've only been married for 10 months, but have been together for almost 6 years. No kids.

2 years ago, he started his own business and has been building his business ever since. Of course, starting your own business is hard work and extremely time consuming. His business requires him to be accessible to clients on the phone and by text. Some days he'll be working from 7am-8pm. Other days, he only needs to be at the office 3 or 4 hours. But no matter what time of day or on the weekend, he needs to near his phone.

This was a big issue even when we were still dating. I trust him and knew he wasn't cheating and knew it was purely for business. Over the last 2 years, the business was grown exponentially and now, he has employees working for him, but things have gotten even busier. I do not forsee them settling down any time soon.

Just some context, my father had owned a business when I was younger. He worked 6 days a week from 7am-7pm. And he was never around due the business. My parents were divorced and the only time I spent with my mother was on the weekend. My father only had Sundays off, but because of the custody arrangement, we only spent time with him at night. And he was always constantly on his phone for business (this was 20 years ago, I can still remember the exact image of his Motorola flip phone). Me and my brother spent many nights alone with our grandmother.

So naturally, I was very concerned that history would repeat itself. I was scared that I would be in the same situation as when I kid. I was also very scared of what this meant for our future kids, to have a dad who wouldn't be around that much. I was scared that he wouldn't be there for me as a husband and dad.

As the business grew, his priorities shifted. I understand the need to make money and make a comfortable living. I understand his desire to be his own boss and make something of himself. I truly support him and his ambitions. I have also put a lot of effort into the business and have been very hands on from creating the logo to doing tax paperwork.

But I'm also at a point in my life, where I'm tired of being number two. I'm tired of not having someone to be there for me when I get back at home. For most of my childhood, I was not a priority to my parents and now, second priority to my husband. We both want to have children. But, how can I knowingly bring a child into this world, where I know the father will be not around. I want my kids the father that I didn't have. There's so much more than being a parent than biologically. I don't have a doubt that my husband will make a good father, taking care and providing for the kids. But kids need that deeper connection and that can only be fostered with effort and time.

We have discussed this in length and I have asked him if things are always going to be this way, can he spend more time with me in the future. I guess, we both really know the answer to that question is no. Realistically speaking, if things go well, it will get busier. He asked if I wanted him to go back to working a 9 to 5. Of course, I said no. Not only is it his dream of being a business owner, but its the only way he can really make a living. To take that away from him, he would resent me.

Over the last couple of months, I've realized that I can't live like this. I know its selfish to say, that I need more of his time and attention. But I do. I love my husband and want him to succeed in his business, but I'm not sure if I can fit myself into this situation any longer. I know divorce is the only way to rectify the issue. He clearly cannot give me what I want and need. I struggle every day with the thought that maybe I can hold on, give it another day and then another day and things will be better. But part of me knows that it's not.

Part of me is grieving for the future we planned together. For the kids we hopped to have. The house we were going to fix up. Promises that we made in our vows. To grow old with each other.

I have already prepared the paperwork to start the divorce, but I have been struggling to actually go file it. I'm scared. What if getting a divorce is a big mistake?What if I can't live without him? We've been together for 6 years, that's almost a quarter of our lives.

I want to know if I'm being unreasonable. If you own a small business or was with someone with a small business, how do you handle this? I want to be the dutiful wife who supports her husband. And I try myself, but I refuse to sacrifice my own happiness in doing so.


Thanks for listening and reading.

-JH






Re: Divorce in your 20s

I don't understand...you said you want to see him more and live a better life when you have kids. He offered to work a 9 - 5 job but you wouldn't let him go for that but then you are looking to get a divorce...hmmm. If it's that important to you then be honest with him and tell him you want him home more than at work.

Is there something else that we don't know about?

Why don't you work with him at the business? If you truely love him then tell him that you want him to work a steady day job. My gut tells me something else is up and you have other reasons for wanting the divorce.

Back in the day I was 19 working at Chrysler. I hated the factory work and the shifts. I thought to myself, if I stay here then retire that means that I would be on afternoons for 15 years and not see my family (when I have one in the future). The money was great but I decided to quit then found a job paying a 1/4 amount of the wage but was steady days. I never regreted leaving that factory at all and to me I need money to live but not to make me happy. Things and marterial don't make me happy but family does.

I enjoyed watching every one of my sons ball games, soccer, etc.

That was my choice I made and smile every day knowing I made the right decision for my life.

We are only on this planet for a short time and everyone needs to be happy.

Re: Divorce in your 20s

Hi JH,
It seems like your guts are trying to tell you something.

It is pretty clear that you have suffered from the lack of time your father would be able to give you. This is something that will probably be missing all your life. (though you can work on that and make it disappear).

Deep inside you, you know that you need that attention and that your husband won't be able to fill that need.
When I read that, my concern is that very often, this kind of situation is ok for a little while but eventually, they start craving for something to fill that need. That's when some people start cheating or find a different way to feel better. (shopping, eating, drugs...). I am NOT saying that this will happen to you.
I am just saying that you might suffer from this lack of attention all your life, which might make you feel miserable and unhappy.

Now, I understand also your concerns of making the right decision.
Well, yes, divorce is the right decision in a lot of situation, but what about your?

- Do you still love him?
- Do you communicate effectively?
- Beside this problem of priority, is there anything else that bothers you and make you feel you are not made for each others?
- Do you suffer from any abuse?
- If he had a different job situation, could you see yourself starting a family with him and grow old together?

If you feel like this, then maybe divorce is not the right solution for now.

What have you tried so far to better the situation?
Have you discussed different options that would work for both of you? For example, would he be ready to set up some specific times just for you. More date nights together...

It seems like he is working hard to make his business work. To be an entrepreneur requires a certain mindset, time, energy and support. Did you discuss with him about his motivations, his intentions, what this company brings to him?

I don't know the situation enough and I don't know you, guys enough. So all of these are just assumptions.
However, so far, it seems like, if you really want it, there are some things you can do to save your couple.

I hope it helped.

Re: Divorce in your 20s

I was in a similar position to you. I got married in my 20s was with him for 7 years (there was an 11 year difference). We ran a business together (one that was his initially). I made his dream, my dream. I neglected all the things I could want from life to help him achieve his goals. I took on just about every role in the business.

I had a similar upbringing to yours and could see the patterns repeating in this relationship. I too, couldn't do it to my future children. In the end, I made the choice to leave - well to be honest, I just had nothing left in me. We'd talk and seemingly agree to change things and make things better, but the changes wouldn't last long. My feelings were second to any problem he was facing. I gave our relationship chance after chance (for 7 years).

I think you have every right to consider divorce. If he isn't willing to make concessions with his dreams for you (as you have been more than willing to), then it really shows where his priority lies.

I'd say think about the future family you want, and if he has shown to be capable of being the person you need for yourself and your future children. You're still young enough to try it again (if you wanted).

Find a counsellor or someone who can help you work through these childhood wounds as well... it's been an amazing experience for me.