I come from a very conservative background of abustive men which is all I knew growing up. Then I met my soon to be ex-husband who was very kind and sweet so I fell for him and rushed into marriage 6 months later. After the honeymoon period I realized that even though he is kind and loves me unconditionally, we are intellectually incompatible. I can’t rely on to make decisions, i have to dumb myself down when talking to him so that he understands what I am talking about, and I am not intellectually stimulated by his conversations. I still pushed myself and tried to make it work. I tried for 5 years because I feared divorce and wanted to hold on to the nice kind decent man I had. I sought therapy to help me, i read books, I communicated to him what was bothering me but nothing helped. I became frustrated and unhappy so I became critical and toxic to him which I hated myself for. We grew apart because we no longer connected. It was so effortful to have conversations with him and I losy my sexual attraction to him but sti forced myself to have sex with him to fulfill my duty as a wife even though sex felt like rape to me because of how unattracted I was. Even kissing him was torture.
After 5 years of trying to make it work because I really wanted it to work, i gave up and asked for a divorce. Initially I felt relieved, but now I feel scared and wonder what if I made the worst mistake in my life by leaving this kind man who loves me for who I am. I hate that I am hurting him by leaving, he doesnt deserve this, but he also deserves someone that loves him for who he is and is attracted to him. I also mourn the loss of my marriage and the end of my 5 year marriage. Goodbyes are so hard. The guilt and sadness are just overwhelming me. I’m hoping for any words that would help me get through these painful emotions I’m experiencing.

I myself am going through such a difficult phase. All i can say is try to stay strong mentally. Mind keeps on moving back and forth. we feel guilt anger different emotions which overwhelms us. Its a cycle, either you move out of this or keep on rolling in the same circle. I know its very scary and tears us down but sometimes this is the only way out.

Going back and forth myself. The torture I put myself through is overwhelming. And yes read books, go on this forum, talk to people, etc. Nothing helps. Leaving the comfort safety zone is very hard. Does it help to know other people feel the same way? It does for me a little.