Hi, hope you all are doing well. My husband left 4 months ago after dinner when we had a talk about buying a house. Buying a house was not clearly his concern. He was angry , mad and upset since COVID . He could not travel, which he did for living . He was out clycling for hours. I did not see how stressed he was since he did not talk or showed me anything. I was myself affected for my work and did not pay much attention to him for 2 months before he left . I was busy and stressed too. I did not expect him to walk out of the house. He asked for space, I left him home for a day as he asked me to go my mom's. He then left to Canada where he is from and never returned. He told his dad many stupid reasons, nonsense that was not true. He blocked me right away from all social media and had not have contact until end of July ( he left June 4th) he emailed me in the most horrible way , saying he wanted divorce and that I should return the house and gather his belongings and throw it away. Im devestated and trying to figure out what happened. We did not have daily arguments or problems . We had few here and there but nothing that would justify him walking out. Since we married 6 yrs ago in canada and went to honeymoon right after, We did not go to city hall and have not legally registered. In his email, he said he checked and there is nothing to be done legally so therefore I should not contact his parents and there is nothing to do! I am terrified! I cant understand nor digest all of whats driving him to do something so harsh ! He is currently out of country and left there and have stayed there since July! He still has me blocked everywhere but has my pictures up on his social media. Should I wait and be hopeful or has he moved on ? Im still praying tgat he would come to his senses. I cant imagine there is someone else or some other woman involved, because he was not that type of a person and showed he really loved and care for me all years we were married. My husband had ADHD and I compromised in many ways before. At first I thought this was a reaction and he will realize and say Im sorry but its been 4 months now and still nothing from him ...

Hi,

Sorry to hear of your emotional pain.

It does seem strange that he's 'upped and left,' based on what you've said re: not hardly arguing etc.

I think maybe there's a few details missing? Reflect back: Was he stressed? Was he really out 'cycling' for hours? Why did he want you out of the house on a particular day?

Sometimes there are reasons to be discovered as to why someone suddenly leaves; other times its best to accept the situation (as unfair and mean as it is), and take a deep breath, and assume that the other person has figuratively, as well as literally 'gone.'

He may return to you. He may not. 4 months is a considerable time to be separated though...I'm a bit concerned that he seems to trying to be finding a legal loophole to deny you any potential rights. Just for now, I'd 'park' the emotional response the situation is hammering you with and really focus on exploring your financial rights. Think about: Bank accounts, credit cards, any debt etc and try to get as independent as possible. Also, are you able to get legal advice re: whether you are considered a de facto partner for the sake of any financial settlement? De facto partners are not married, but live together like a married couple. In many countries, de facto partners have the same, or almost the same, legal rights re: financial split, than divorcing married couples.

Your mind is grieving the future that you thought you would have together. I know it sucks. It feels like a bereavement, disbelief, pain... and what he's done IS cruel. Believe in yourself and the bright future you're going to have (really, although you might not be able to see it yet because of the raw pain).

Don't let him call all the shots. Take back what control over the situation you can: Even if that's only tiny. ADHD may lead to him being impulsive re: moving back to Canada, but 4 months is a long time for him not to have bounced back to you again. If I were you, I'd separate my finances from his as much as poss. I'd find out my legal rights re: property, 401k etc and potential de facto status. I'd pack all of his belongings into boxes and put them into the garage/storage (but I wouldn't yet throw his belongings). I'd join clubs and I'd be exercising, eating healthily, going to work (but not staying late/over-working). I'd set a calendar date for something to look forward to (a spa treatment/hanging out with friends/a mini weekend vacation/seeing a movie...or whatever makes you smile...)

Take baby steps. You've had a big shock. One day at a time is sometimes all we can plan/all we can get through, but make it count because you and your wellbeing count - No one knows you better than you. Trust your instinct...what's it telling you? 🤗 Hugs

Thank you so much for your comment. I am financially stable and have a small business of my own. I can fully take care of myself and work a lot . We never registered in the city hall after our ceremony in Canada . His dad said he registered us in canada but he never did as I researched. Im very much hurt thinking my marriage meant nothing !
We did not have kids . We traveled a lot ( most countries) and always had a great time together. When we were home, he was always affectionate and loving . I just am still in a shock that he left like that . I often end up questioning myself as What I have done to see me so not valuable to at least explain and divorce properly!

Although I am financially stable and pushing registration ( even if I can with shoeing proof maybe) will have him only get my assets that is more than probably his! You see my point of not being legally married , is more of emotional attack I am experiencing after him just leaving everything behind without bothering himself to explain!

Im still hopeful that he comes back and explain something! Trying to take those baby steps to move forward but I get so very much stuck at times ...

Hi Sara,
Sorry for what happened to you. It must be devastating.

I have seen that, a few times, in the past. For the cases I know, there were 2 causes. (I'm not saying your is similar - I don't have enough information to assume anything). I just wanted to share with you so maybe it can help you.

The first cause was a relation extra marital. When the spouse lives a second life with someone else and can't live the lie anymore.

The second cause I see is related to mental health. Personality disorder, depression, Asperger...
A lot of these conditions are not really compatible with having a stable and deep relationships. It can be great for days, months or even years, but it requires a lot of efforts.(as they are acting more than being)
One day, out of nowhere, they just can't make this effort anymore, they need to be themselves (the true one, the one they want to hide), they can't breathe in this body that is not their. So they leave.

Sara, I don't want to be negative but most often, there is no comeback. Again though, I don't know your situation well, I didn't talk with your husband and it's not something we can predict.

According to what you are writing, it looks like the second cause.
If it's the case,(which again I DON"T KNOW) he will need time alone and away from you.
When you talk to him, don't make any accusations, just compassion and understanding - He must feel really bad right, guilty, mad, confused... (depends also on which mental issue he has)

These are all assumptions. But maybe it helps.

Hang it there,
Hugs and love, :kissing_heart:

Thank you so much for your comment.
Yes I think he had a mental health problem. Plus he had severe ADHD and he was on aderrall where he could not function without it .
I just cant see how he could hide things for years from me ! I really was real with him myself and thought he was real with me. He was touchy and very affectionate to the point that I would ask him to not hug me or touch me ! I would get irritated when it was 24/7 maybe that was hyperactivity! Im just really hoping I can find some answers to my questions which I may not get ... 😞

Oh I had a client addicted to Adderall. It's a dangerous medication. It works well at the beginning but then, people tend to take more and more and they can't feel the effects. And that's when the problems start.

That can make them irritable, angry, depressed, with sleeping issues, mood swings...

When they take more than prescribe, they lose complete control of themselves and become someone else.

So that can be another explanation...

Yes very much! I agree. It’s so hard for me on the other side. Im just praying he gives me some sort of explanation. Im hoping he realizes what he has done some day ..