Hello ladies. I wanted to write this because I feel like I am in need of people to help me get through this. I am going through a divorce, only after a year of being married. On top of that I am only 25. I wanted to work things out, but he did not. I am struggling. I am confused. I am hurt. I just want to know if there are any ladies out there I can communicate with.
Hi Rachel, I’m sorry to hear that you’re upset. I’m wondering if there were any ‘warning signs’ before he left? Did the marriage take place soon after you met, and maybe perhaps before you got to know each other’s personalities well? Was there any infidelity? Is he seeing someone now?
I guess, although you’re hurting like heck, and 1 year is a short time span (particularly given how expensive getting married is), there has to have been a genuine reason he called ‘time.’ Did he explain why he didn’t want to try to work on your relationship? It’s always sad when one party is desperate to try, but the other has already made up their mind they’re leaving, no matter what...
Although I doubt it’s of much comfort to you at the moment, perhaps it’s best he’s gone now, rather than drag you through the ‘pretence’ of loving. That would only be living a lie, and you deserve an honest, straight-forward partnership, not someone who is just ‘going through the motions.’ You may not see it this way yet, but please try to believe that rather than expending your love, time and energy on a failing relationship, you will soon be free to start afresh (when you’ve emotionally healed). Everyone gets through grief and loss at their own pace. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve the loss. Take care of your health, keep busy, exercise, meditate, write a journal and read uplifting articles. Hold your head up high. You have given the relationship the best you possibly could. We can only control our own emotions, outlook on life and actions. No matter how much we ‘will’ our exes to see the ‘errors of their choices’ or what a fantastic gal they’ve lost by leaving...ultimately, it’s out of our hands. They control their decisions and quite frankly, if you had to constantly try to win his affections and still got rejected, where’s the joy in that for you?
Maybe you’ve had ‘a lucky escape.’ Maybe this is your monopoly ‘get out of jail’ card equivalent?! Time will tell... About all you can do right now is to keep busy, focus on living and caring for you (not wasting your energy on ‘what if’s,’ ‘if onlys’ etc...I doubt he’s lying awake crying about his decision, so why should you)? Show him what a terrible mistake he may have made by leaving you by you being as gorgeous, happy and successful as you can! Make him second-guess his decision to leave! Don’t desperately contact him. Act aloof. See if he comes crawling back/cancels the divorce. If not, move on with life. He’s but one fish in the sea. Yes, you believed in your heart he was ‘the one,’ but destiny often works in mysterious ways...Start writing a journal so in one year’s time you can look back at where you are currently and can read how you’ve grown and re-found yourself.
What’s one positive change you can make today to make tomorrow better? Give yourself a focus to look forward to that is not centred around thinking about him, but something positive you enjoy. Going for a walk? Listening to music? You are not alone, but rather, growing your independence as a free, modern woman. Think about what a positive future ‘looks like.’ It may or may not involve him being around...Maybe he’ll regret his decision and try to come back before the divorce is final, but how will you feel? Trust is so important in a marriage. If he returns, some marriage guidance counselling would be a good idea so you can both air your grievances, your hopes for the relationship etc. If he doesn’t and the divorce is proceeding with no signs he’ll withdraw his application...then you will have to mentally prepare yourself to accept that things are outside of your control. I’m not an overly-religious person, but found some comfort in the ‘Serenity Prayer’ - God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference...’ Wise words I believe, no matter what beliefs someone may, or may not hold...