I’ve been with my husband every since we were young. He was so sweet and caring at first. We had our first child when I was 19 and then his true colors started coming out. We now have been together for 16 years and have 4 kids. My husband has a stressful hard job. So he is always grumpy he hates going to work but this is the job he got a career in. I suggest to him then you can always change careers then he starts to laugh saying how is that fair to me. You should of gotten off your fat *ss and gotten yourself a real job that actually pays something. I work part time, take care of the kids full time and cook and clean. He always tells the kids he buys everything never says anything about me contributing to the family. He tells me my job doesn’t matter because I make half what he makes. I’m exhausted but can’t ask him for help around the house. He won’t clean or cook dinner he refuses to. Says he works full time and that’s my responsibility don’t be so lazy. My oldest son and him don’t have a relationship at all. Due to him calling him dumb, a moron, lazy, peanuts for him brain. If I have to hear one more time about how he says his head is up his butt I’ll go nuts. He puts me down constantly in front of the kids, I’m not allowed to stand up for the kids or myself or he will start to destroy the house and our belongings. You never know what type of mood he is going to be in it’s like a light switch. He has gotten into my oldest sons face pushed him against the wall telling him he was going to hurt him if he disrespected him again. Tells my 4 year old if she disrespects him he will disrespect her. I said come on she’s 4 to him. He started yelling at me then gave me the cold shoulder all night trying to play the guilt trip thing that’s he wonderful at. He then tells my 4 year old I’ll put it more simple for you you disrespect me I’ll brake everything you own in front of you. She started crying and he just started to go off on her. My middle son one night stood up for me after he dad was yelling at me. He said I don’t like how you are talking to mom right now his dad took his food said fine then guess you are going hungry tonight. He started crying running to his room his dad followed him there threw him on his bed and kept on pushing his head face down into his bed saying you like that you little disrespectful little ****. We go on vacation and it’s horrible the whole time he screams at us the whole time. The older kids asked me if we can stop going cause it’s not fun and they would rather hide in there rooms at home. So I stopped planning vacations but then my husband complains to me saying we don’t go anywhere and I’m pathetic. He has pushed my oldest son down the stairs for sticking up for himself. He has spit in my face and my oldest son faces multiple times. He gets mad at me for having a great relationship with my kids. We laugh and smile and have fun together when he isn’t around. My oldest says everything always changes when dad gets home. If I stand up for myself my husband will start breaking my stuff and throws food and drinks everywhere thinking it’s funny to watch me clean it up hovering over me. He complained to me the other day that the house wasn’t deeply cleaned I asked him if he could help me one weekend to clean it he says if I have to do that you need to give me something in exchange that’s not my responsibility. I said what do you need in exchange he says for you to pay me out of your wages. But since you don’t even make that much I don’t know how you would do that. You can’t pay me what I’m worth. One incident is I was cooking dinner he got home and was mad about not having his liquor at the house. I had beer that I bought for myself that was sitting in the fridge for a couple weeks. Stupid me I thought he would be fine with drinking that but he started to throw a big fit so I stopped cooking dinner and went to go get his liquor came back and all of the kids were in tears because of him. I went back to cooking dinner fed the kids put his food in the fridge. He went to go eat his dinner later and it was prepared out he wanted it he threw it on the floor and I told him I could make him something else to eat he said no you ruined my appetite, my night is ruined because of you so I’ll ruin yours he started throwing all of the drinks and sauces that were in the fridge at the walls in the kitchen. It took me days to clean up the mess. He tells me all the time he is about retaliation. You disrespect me I’ll disrespect you even more. Says once he sees red he will keep on going and won’t stop. He has slammed a chair down on my foot and broken it. He has broken my belongs multiple times. Broke my phone and I wasn’t allowed to get a new one for a year. He has gotten physical with me pushed me down and started punching me in the head. I choose to stay because of my kids I don’t want him to raise them alone. Says he will get full custody of them because he makes more of a study income. I don’t know how much more I can take. It’s like I have to walk on broken egg shells around him. Is there a way I can get full custody of my kids with him making more $ than me.

Thank you for writing. What you're saying is so so so common and more women need to hear it so they can see themselves and know what they've heard is not unique. Most importantly you know you are in an abusive relationship. Abuse is never good and never acceptable but the question is how do you make a change?
I know firsthand about the fear of the unknown. I stayed in my marriage and dealt with negativity put Downs verbal abuse emotional abuse financial abuse and infidelity. When I gathered enough strength after he got another woman pregnant with twins I realized the court system designed to protect you can also fail.
Don't get caught up and believing the court system will either help or hurt you. If you choose to leave be smart about your exit plan. Research and get yourself involved with an abuse program that will support you in creating an exit plan to protect yourself and your children. Get yourself into counseling so that you can learn why you believe you must stay and start to build your own self-esteem. It's easy for people to tell you to walk away when they're not in your circumstances it's easy for people to say you don't deserve that and you deserve better but most people are not walking in your circumstances. Please use your medical insurance to get counseling and help . Continue to reach out to those of us who are in the middle of similar circumstances so that you can hear firsthand the variety of experiences you may face when dealing with the court system. In my case my ex threatened often to quit his job and never help support me and our child. He has made good on the threat and is now over $100,000 in back child support.
The best advice I was ever given about divorce is it's not an answer to problems instead it just creates a new set that's just different. Everybody in an abused situation knows right from wrong and you have to love yourself and your children enough to say no more. You'll get there on your own time the question is how much time will you waste trying to get there?