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Re: Divorce after 35 years

Ouch! This situation sucks. One mother to the next I hurt for the loss of your son.

As for the marriage. I suggest never leaving your home, file yourself and hire a paralegal to help you file for temporary support and attorney fees.

If you can, claim your home. If you can't afford it alone, get a roommate to share the expense until you sell.

Again very sorry for your loss. 🥺

Re: Divorce after 35 years

Hi Sylvia. I’m very sad to hear of all the pain and grief you’ve gone through. You must feel utterly worn out. As someone trained in social work, you’ll know of vicarious trauma, grief and loss, PTSD and also, carer fatigue. Also...chronic grief. It sounds as if life has knocked you sideways. All that love, all that caring, all that ‘giving’ of part of yourself, especially over a long period of time, is draining and exhausting. Most people enter the field of social work because they are naturally caring people and empaths.

Please, please don’t question whether there was one extra thing you could have done to help your son. Heroin is cruel. We watch people we care about wasting away. Despite millions of dollars worth of support services and help programs, medical programs etc, heroin is a life thief that often steals people away too early. I’m very sorry you lost your son to something that had a grip on him that was too strong to shake off. It’s not a ‘failure’ of either of you, it’s modern life and life can be tough enough without the added dimension of powerful addictive, illicit substances that get a grip on people. You are a mum (yes, still - death cannot steal that title away from you, nor the positive memories you’ll have of happier times together with your son). Also, a (former?) social worker? but of course, you’re not a miracle worker. If only we all were...Instead, all we can do is try our utmost best to help and support our loved ones and our clients, and it sounds like you gave it your all. Please try to take an element of comfort from that.

I’m wondering if your husband is also ‘tuckered out?’ Again, carer fatigue, but this time, in caring for you and experiencing long-term vicarious trauma in trying his best to support you (in his, less emotionally-demonstrative way?) People ‘burn out’ after a while when experiencing chronic grief and loss. His refusing to talk about the issues and ‘defaulting’ to wanting to get a divorce sounds like he’s had a ‘gut-full’ of feeling miserable. Perhaps he’s even equating you and the grief with feeling ‘trapped?’

It’s a very delicate situation. You have every reason to feel traumatised from what’s happened over time, but you also need to see some glimmers of hope. It’s exhausting feeling stressed and upset, so allow yourself ‘permission’ to have some mental ‘up’ times, where it’s ok to focus on your own well-being.

If you think there’s a chance to get back into your relationship with your husband, see if he’d be willing to try a ‘date night.’ If so, do something completely relaxing and different - an enjoyable activity like a couples massage or bowling. Something fun.

If he’s determined to go for a divorce and won’t try the above ideas, is there a trusted family friend or pastor who could chat with him as a kind of ‘intermediatory?’ Sometimes though, partners get their head set on divorce and no matter how hard we try, there’s no ‘wooing’ them or trying to convince them otherwise however. If that’s the case, prepare yourself, unfortunately, for another ‘loss’ by definitely seeing a psychologist. Not a counsellor. A bona-fide psychologist or psychiatrist. You may already be seeing one of you have a diagnosis of PTSD?

I think you ought to consider moving back into your home: Especially if he’s financially better off than you. If it’s a large house, could you make 2 separate living/sleeping areas and just share the kitchen/bathroom? I only say this, because you mention the potential for you to become homeless...? Better to live in the house while the divorce is taking place/it’s being sold, than risk becoming homeless. Also, can you sell any excess furniture/personal belongings (of yours, not his!), to fund seeing a lawyer?

Maybe your husband is angry and he’ll calm down? Maybe he’s just fed up and wants ‘out’ to find a sense of hope and peace? Maybe he sincerely cannot understand how traumatised you are by it all? Maybe ‘rudeness’ is his defence mechanism for avoiding confrontation or open discussion?

If he’s ‘rude’ to you, but not abusive, live in the house and keep your distance while divorcing. This will buy you some financial time. Perhaps start planning how you want your future life to be/to look? You have given so much energy to others...how are you going to restore your energy and apply it to get positivity back into your life?

Remember the ‘Miracle’ question? If you were to wake up tomorrow an one element of what’s troubling you the most was suddenly gone/fixed...what would that be? It might not be that you can ‘win’ your husband’s affection back (sorry if that’s the case), but what OTHER element can you work on to improve things/reduce your mental anguish? In the meantime: Yoga, mindfulness, journaling, positive affirmations, countryside walks, meditative breathing exercises, expressive art therapy, and... a glass of red wine with a trusted friend?

You are truly amazing. So much crap has been thrown your way, some dodged, but some has also stuck. Mentally shower it off. Heal...Repair...Restore. Have you contemplated letting your husband go? What does your gut tell you about the reasons you don’t want to ‘lose him?’ Do you have others in your life who can support you for example? 35 years is a long time and it feels like a bereavement I expect? Confusing and hurtful...OR...is this a chance to ‘start afresh’ with ‘pastures new?’ Is your marriage worth ‘fighting to save,’ or has it run its natural course? Be honest with yourself. Maybe write down a list of ‘positive’ versus ‘negative’ aspects of your marriage: What does it reveal? Are you surprised...or not?

Time for YOU now Sylvia. What are your hopes and dreams? What are the barriers and limitations in the way of you ‘going for’ these? How can they be lessened or removed? As you have unfortunately experienced...life is fragile and precious. I’m hoping the next decade (and beyond) will be happier, healthier, more creative, more fun, more exciting, more fulfilling and easier for you. You have lots of ‘pearls of wisdom’ on your life necklace for example: How might you be able to share that wisdom and lived experience to support others by sharing what you have learned along the way? Volunteering? Writing a book? Value your inner strength. Value your potential. Hugs 🤗

Re: Divorce after 35 years

Sorry to hear about your divorce, you are not alone my husband of 34 years has decided he wAnts divorce also. I also lost my mother in July. I am devastated and he does not want to try to fix things. Never did I think I could be so hurt by someone. I found out in November he was leaving me. He left a week ago and I am having a hard time accepting it.

Re: Divorce after 35 years

Hi Aal, I’m sorry to hear about your losses. Please see a counsellor if you can as you’re dealing with a lot of grief. My husband of 32 years is in the process of divorcing me. It’s crap. I saw a counsellor a few months ago a couple of times and it really helped. Just having someone you could talk to openly about the grief, the sense of unfairness and cruelty it mentally put me through, lifted some of the weight off my shoulders. It’s confidential also-so no fears about gossiping friends etc! I think I wore my friends out with my suffering! Having an independent person with fresh perspectives can also be refreshing. It won’t ‘solve’ everything, but it helped me to have reassurance and recognition of the abuse I went through was due to his personality, not something I had ‘done wrong.’

Hugs 🤗

Re: Divorce after 35 years

Hi
I feel so much for you, after all you have lost in your life.
You have been through so much loss.
I would get a lawyer to get your share of your home & I’d also go ahead with the divorce. Your husband is making you suffer mentally and physically this isn’t good for your well-being.
My heart goes out to you. This is your time to take control of your life, how much more can life throw at you?
Please be kind to yourself xx