Hi, Do you think he’d be willing to go to marriage counselling with an independent person to help him hear and understand how unhappy you are in the relationship? He sounds quite controlling/used to getting his own way. Marriage is meant to be a give and take partnership. Both parties are meant to respect each other’s points of view, even if that’s different from their own.
If you’re feeling belittled, not listened to, your wants and desired actions are being casually tossed aside by him without proper discussion, then that’s going to be frustrating.
Leaving him will take preparation: Financial, emotional, logistics around moving into a new home potentially, getting legal advice, finding out about divorce procedures in your area, preparing your children for a move/a divorce, surrounding yourself with support (family/friends/counselling). Then afterwards: Child custody/visitation arrangements, life as a single parent re: school drop off/pick ups, school holidays, dating again etc etc
There’s no point in feeling belittled, sidelined, not having your views and wishes respected. That’s not fair and it’s a pretty miserable existence. Prepare yourself by researching the divorce process. Get copies of all financial records you have as a couple, in case you need these for a divorce. Think about where you’ll live etc, then approach him and either have a one-to-one frank talk about how you’re feeling, or tell him you’d like the two of you to go see a marriage guidance counsellor. He’ll either laugh off-handedly and poo-poo your suggestion, or he’ll be shocked that you are seriously unhappy to the point you’re thinking of applying for a divorce, or he’ll fly off the handle (walk off or become aggressive), or he might agree. Given what you’ve written, there’s a good chance he’ll pretty much laugh in your face and become defensive/aggressive. You need to prepare yourself in case. Stick to your guns. You mean business! He either listens to how unhappy you are...or you have your answer anyway regarding whether it’s time to call it quits on the marriage...
Have your phone with you when you try to talk with him, in case he becomes aggressive and you need backup. Remember: You are every bit as good as he is and you’re not asking for anything other than to be redirected and to have your preferences sometimes take priority in the marriage when something means a lot to you. It’s about give and take. Not ‘all give and no take.’
Josephine
I am so sorry you are going through this
It sounds really hard. I agree about trying to get him into counseling to see if he will hear you.
Divorce is really hard. If he won't go to counseling if he won't help out, if he won't let you hire out help (I really think a man should help clean or help pay for someone to clean), you may have no other options, but if you haven't tried counseling, I recommend leaving no stone unturned.
I am sorry to hear about your situation. Have you thought about trying to set boundaries? You cannot change his behavior, but you can change yours. For example, if he won't agree to hire someone to help clean, then why not hire them yourself? He will probably have a fit, but that is his problem. If he gets upset I would simply say that you need help around the house and that since he is unable to help, you hired some help. As for your family, I would just take the kids to family regardless of what he says. If he doesn't want them around, so be it, but you can go when you like. If he won't go do what you like when traveling, you go do what you like without him. He is welcome to join but if he doesn't, his loss. Arguing or trying to convince him to change his opinion won't work.
Sometimes to create a new dynamic, you have to change yourself. Perhaps he comes around, perhaps he doesn't but at least you are not letting him stand in the way of your happiness. Maybe you will feel better about your marriage if you are not letting him dictate all your decisions. Or you may realize that you don't want to be in a marriage with a miserable partner. I get that marriage is compromise, but not if you are compromising yourself. If he will go to counseling, great, if not, perhaps you should go for yourself.
I am not sure if this helps, but take care of you! Good luck.