Josephine
I am so sorry you are going through this
It sounds really hard. I agree about trying to get him into counseling to see if he will hear you.
Divorce is really hard. If he won't go to counseling if he won't help out, if he won't let you hire out help (I really think a man should help clean or help pay for someone to clean), you may have no other options, but if you haven't tried counseling, I recommend leaving no stone unturned.
I am sorry to hear about your situation. Have you thought about trying to set boundaries? You cannot change his behavior, but you can change yours. For example, if he won't agree to hire someone to help clean, then why not hire them yourself? He will probably have a fit, but that is his problem. If he gets upset I would simply say that you need help around the house and that since he is unable to help, you hired some help. As for your family, I would just take the kids to family regardless of what he says. If he doesn't want them around, so be it, but you can go when you like. If he won't go do what you like when traveling, you go do what you like without him. He is welcome to join but if he doesn't, his loss. Arguing or trying to convince him to change his opinion won't work.
Sometimes to create a new dynamic, you have to change yourself. Perhaps he comes around, perhaps he doesn't but at least you are not letting him stand in the way of your happiness. Maybe you will feel better about your marriage if you are not letting him dictate all your decisions. Or you may realize that you don't want to be in a marriage with a miserable partner. I get that marriage is compromise, but not if you are compromising yourself. If he will go to counseling, great, if not, perhaps you should go for yourself.
I am not sure if this helps, but take care of you! Good luck.