He’s clearly planning his exit from your marriage. If you get a chance to access his phone again, add her as a contact, then block her calls and emails! She’s maybe trying to worm herself back as his partner again. If she hardly knows you, why would she be actively encouraging him to leave you by sending him details of apartments?!

Your husband’s use of the word ‘vindictive’ is interesting...and also concerning because he’s already ‘othering’ you by making you into a problem who will be spiteful and revengeful if he leaves you. That’s not a nice thing to be saying to his ex about you. It seems as if he already sees you as a potential adversary.

Talk to him. Find out what his true feelings are about you. If he’s saying one thing in therapy, but then doing another...well, like they say ‘actions speak louder than words...’ If he loves you, he needs to show commitment towards you and ditching his ex is a start! There’s only room for ‘one main woman’ in his life and it’s either you, her or someone else he runs off to...

I don't think that's cheating, but it's definitely a red flag. A big one. It seems that he's seriously considering the end of your marriage. Of course that conversation being with his ex-wife can make you feel even worse, but I think the problem is not her, is him thinking about leaving. You should try to talk to him about that to figure out if it's worth to keep trying.

It’s certainly a betrayal. I understand needing to talk to someone but talking to your ex about something like that is taking it too far. Very poor judgment. If you can’t trust him not to do that I would wonder what else has been said.