Hi everyone,
Firstly thank you for taking the time to read this. I am fully aware that the issues I am bringing will seem extremely futile and insurmountable to some of the brave stories of other women on here I have been reading. I literally just want somewhere to vent my story not even with the aim of getting a response, I just want this out there and off me for two moments. So prior warning, this is long! I apologise dear reader for the drain on your time!

I have never been abused, taken advantage of or even badly treated by my husband. But I find myself needing advice and I don’t know where else to turn (apart from my therapist). So should you wish to give me feedback, good bad or just Internet style hate please do.

So I am 27, turning 28 very soon, and my husband is early 30’s. So I suppose yes the answer I already know will be “you committed far too young”, but who ever listens to advise like that. We have been married for 2 years and living apart for a good deal of that. Before that we were happily living together for atleast 6 years and only had very minor issues.

My mother obviously couldn’t adore him more, in fact a lot of our conversations usually end up as “he’s so wonderful” “you’re so lucky” “you better make sure everything works out” or sometimes the more sinister “you’ll never find anyone as good as him”. My family is small, I lost my sibling, Dad, all grandparents and so on throughout my childhood and teenage years. Family members dropping like flies was fairly normal honestly. My Dad caused arguably the most damage after a year or two of cancer treatments but he did pass peacefully. So most of my teens and young adulthood has been just me and my Mum against the world. She has been in a relationship with someone I call my stepdad but legally he is not, we have our issues as he isn’t someone I would choose to interact with day to day, he and my mum have their issues too but I love him and respect he was there for her at a very tough time for us all. He too adores my husband and I never get through a family phone call without the obligatory “he’s a really lovely guy, we love him very much, you should be so happy”.

Then, why aren’t I happy? Outwardly I have everything anyone could want, I am even moving to Germany with my husband (he is a German National and thinks it’s better for any kids we have) which everyone always gushes over like it’s a fairytale. Because it is, isn’t it? I have never asked these questions to anyone before. But they’re the only questions I ever want to ask.

I know why I don’t ask them, I’m scared of the answer. I’m scared that knowing what my heart knows, but I ignore, will cause someone that isn’t me pain. That by admitting that answer, the flood gates I have spent so long building by smiling and lying and carefully cultivating the image of happiness will burst. Everyone caught in the wake of that would hate me, the parents who funded the wedding, the same parents who offered and moved out of the old family home in Germany for us to start our own, the friends I haven’t gone to for help. And I don’t blame them for hating me. Because the truth is I know the answer is I went ahead with something I knew I didn’t want, I don’t love my husband, but I married him to make other people happy, and I hate myself for it.

The small bit of solace I find is that everyone was happy. Both sets of parents became friends, they got to see me settle which after my childhood I don’t think anyone expected. I got to give my friends a wonderful party, and the worst part is that the weather was unusually sunny and warm for literally that one day in April. Again the fairytale, even the weather believed me.

So I take myself aside and I tell myself that I got myself into this I’m just going to have to make the best of it. People make marriages work all the time, actually about 50% of the movies or Netflix series I consume the marriages aren’t happy at all. They’re all sticking it out, bandaging the cracks up and keeping themselves busy with other things. So I can do that too. I don’t need to be happy.

Except, as good of an actress I have become over the years, as good as I am now at lying about how I’m feeling and ignoring the heavy brick I carry around where my stomach should be. My bandages aren’t holding it together anymore. My move to Germany which I have managed to put off for so long is near and it only makes me realise...I can’t do this anymore.

Ok so what does that mean, my therapist asks me a lot “when were you last happy, what does that look like?” I tell them honestly it was last year. I was living away from my husband with some friends who my husband doesn’t know. I went away to do my therapy and finish my work which for legal reasons I had to do in the UK. The pandemic was ironically a blessing as it extended my time away (obviously realising it has most definitely not been a blessing!) time away to be something I hadn’t been for a long time. You guessed it. Happy.

I could be me, I didn’t have the constant pressure that I was failing everyone by being miserable in my fairytale life. I didn’t have my poor husband trying to drag me out of my shell desperately needing reassurance that we were ok. I didn’t have the pressure of my mind attacking itself over why I am the worst person in the world. I didn’t have to lie anymore, I had no idea life could be like this. I started eating again, I was laughing, I didn’t need to watch the darkest series on Netflix to feel something.

But reality has caught up to me, the move is imminent. I’m about to be very alone in a country that I don’t even speak the language very well, with someone I don’t love and have a feeling I make miserable with his parents only a short walk over the street away. And here I am knowing what I should do, for both myself and my husband who doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship like this. But how.

How do I say that I want a divorce? I feel selfish just thinking about it, because I’m doing it for me. How do I even rationalise that to a divorce lawyer, that I just don’t love my husband. Is that even allowed? How would I get my stuff back over without their help, I could live without it I suppose, it’s only stuff after all.

So, that’s possibly 60% of my story. Any more are I would be threatening a full length article that you have to suffer through only wanting a recipe for casserole (I really dislike food bloggers!). Thank you if you made it this far and seeing me. I appreciate it and I wish you all the best. A chat with you would be lovely if you have time after this, perhaps a coffee when the world goes back to normal!

It does sound as if your acting has caught up with you. How can people know how you’re feeling if you’ve lied to them all (including your husband).

Count the number of times you’ve written ‘I’ in your post! Where’s the ‘we’ or ‘him’ or ‘he?’

There’s no point in putting off the inevitable. You’d just as well ‘fess up’ now. Is it going to be painful? Yes-for you, for him, for the friends and family you’ve duped. You have to face the music. Confess!!!!

Or, consider why you’re unhappy. Is the move throwing you into a tailspin? What don’t you like about your husband? Have you been open and honest with him and given the marriage a chance to ‘be repaired?’ Marriage guidance counselling? He sounds caring as he’s asking if you’re ok. He’s clearly sensing that something’s ‘off.’ Tell him now-before the move. Then either try to work things through or call it quits.

You sound like you want to be ‘miss popularity.’ The perfect relationship image. Except, life isn’t perfect. Marriage isn’t perfect. You’re not perfect. He’s not perfect. Only you are in control of and responsible for, your own actions. No point in having children with a man you don’t love. What a miserable life that would be fit you all...

It does sound as if your acting has caught up with you. How can people know how you’re feeling if you’ve lied to them all (including your husband).

Count the number of times you’ve written ‘I’ in your post! Where’s the ‘we’ or ‘him’ or ‘he?’

There’s no point in putting off the inevitable. You’d just as well ‘fess up’ now. Is it going to be painful? Yes-for you, for him, for the friends and family you’ve duped. You have to face the music. Confess!!!!

Or, consider why you’re unhappy. Is the move throwing you into a tailspin? What don’t you like about your husband? Have you been open and honest with him and given the marriage a chance to ‘be repaired?’ Marriage guidance counselling? He sounds caring as he’s asking if you’re ok. He’s clearly sensing that something’s ‘off.’ Tell him now-before the move. Then either try to work things through or call it quits.

You sound like you want to be ‘miss popularity.’ The perfect relationship image. Except, life isn’t perfect. Marriage isn’t perfect. You’re not perfect. He’s not perfect. Only you are in control of and responsible for, your own actions. No point in having children with a man you don’t love. What a miserable life that would be for you all...

You're just delaying the inevitable, and the more you keep up with the situation, the more painful it will be for all of those involved. Moving to a foreign country is no easy feat. I'm a Portuguese national living in the UK, and in the process of separating from my partner of 14 years, and I find myself completely alone and isolated in a time when I really need a support network. Do you really want to go through that process once you've moved to Germany?

I think you already took the first, and most important step, you admitted to yourself that you don't love you husband and you don't want to live the rest of your life with him. It's sad, with what both of you and your families invested in this project, but if you're sure that it's not worth trying to save your marriage, if you know what you want (or what you don't want), don't dwell on what other people think. It doesn't have to be about taking sides, and no matter what, your friends and family will support you. It's going to be hard, but it's not going to get easier because it will happen eventually, right?

The more time you lead your husband to think your have a future together, the harder it could be for him to deal with the fact you knew, and did not have the courage to tell him. Be brave, it will be hard on everyone, but it will be for the best.

Oi Ana
Sorry to ask you
Are you from Brazil?
Because I am ...☺️

I also been to this forum before After 33 years of marriage I decided to divorced last October at 58 Years old
The people from this forum helped many women healed with the kind words and made us stronger battling all this horrible things ex-husband does to us .

It’s not easy but time will heal you all can do it and you will survive if you believe in yourself and choose a path that will make you Happy
I don’t ever want to reconcile and not be with him as a “friend” either because he was controlling and emotional abusive to me and to my two kids sometimes I will cry and get sad at times but I am trying my best to heal the scar he left me ...
Good Luck to everyone in this forum

Thank you Everyone

Love and peace ✌️ to all

Hey hun,
I can feel the pain from your words. I’m in the USA, 33 yr old woman and in the middle of divorcing a man I thought I would spend forever with. What relates to me from your story is that I was your husbands role in our marriage. Married to a man who didn’t love me as he “pretended” to. I was the woman everyone was telling him not to lose, she’s great, don’t mess it up, etc. So he tried. Until he couldn’t anymore. I was broken. Lost complete sense of self and identity. But I later realized it wasn’t Bc of him, it was Bc I didn’t love myself enough. Enough to be the real me, enough to put aside what he thinks or expects of me culturally as a wife and just enjoy my life. Do the things that make me happy. I can say I was over cautious with him Bc he had a rough childhood, lost a lot of family & friends young and was misunderstood by many.
I felt Bc I understood him and loved him as he was, I should do more to show him that. Be more loving, be around always, support him regardless, etc. As I think back, our fights, the yelling and all the emotional & even physical abuse wasn’t worth it but I did realize that when I thought I was telling him how I really felt, I wasn’t. And same with him. We were just saying what we disliked about one another without really saying how we’re feeling. Or what we expect. I was afraid to hurt his feelings Bc he would lash out at me.
Express yourself. Say what you really want. I wish I did. Even if it’s a weekend alone to process what you feel. He might even feel the same way. Spend time with your childhood friends and reminisce on who you are.
Yes your husband loves you but if you can’t reciprocate that Bc you think the grass is greener on the other side, it’s not. It’s only greener where you water it. If you feel this way Bc of another lover in your life, that’s not really his fault. But if you don’t speak up, nothing will change.
Marriage is not easy, and this life is not either, but they’re both worth it from what I keep hearing. Sending you good vibes.