Hello, I am new to this forum. I have been in marriage counseling for about 6 months with my husband after many years of doing the lion's share of the parenting and housework, a few years of being emotionally disconnected from one another, and a really low point for the last year where I felt we were on the brink of divorce.

One of the things I am struggling with is how you know or how you knew what was "enough" to move forward with divorce? For example there is no overt abuse, there has been no infidelity, there is no addiction or challenging mental illness. Some will say that one's being unhappy or no longer in romantic love with your spouse is not "enough" to do it, given divorce's impact on the kids (we have 2 elementary age).

I feel some loving feelings toward him and I think we make decent co-parents, but also the combined weight of things over the years that have hurt me are making it very difficult to imagine myself really loving him as a partner again.

I feel like our experience last year -- basically me giving up on trying to get him to meet my emotional needs and logistical support needs, then him noticing and realizing how serious it was -- really changed me and changed how I see him.

Is that "enough" to go through the conflicts and challenges and pain of divorce? To uproot ours and the kids' lives? He wants to stay together and so I feel the burden of trying to figure out what I want and need and whether my own wants and needs should guide my decision.

I have been searching for support and just understanding from other women. I came across this group this morning. I couple written your post for my exact situation only my kids are just a bit younger.
I have the same question. I think only we can answer. The guilt is killing me only because of the kids and my husband is a very nice guy... Just a lot of scar tissue more related to finances and i just feel nothing for him anymore though i know we would be great co-parents. So stuck of being in limbo for years...

Hi, Well the first step is to change the marriage guidance counsellor you have!

Secondly, what burdens does he have on his shoulders? I read a lot of ‘me’ type statements in your post eg around parenting, housework, how you feel etc, but very very little about him, his responsibilities or his feelings.

There seems to be some unspoken weight that you are both carrying from a previous time? It’s creating a bad atmosphere in your relationship. Living in parallel with each other only, is never going to be fulfilling.

Where’s the romance? The sex? The way you felt about each other before the responsibilities of parenting and all the associated costs, came along? What’s changed? What’s not working? Why? How can it be ‘fixed?!’

Divorce is not to be taken lightly in your situation. It can lead to heartache, grief responses, confused children etc. I’m all for supporting women who want to leave abusive/unhappy relationships, but your situation sounds more like boredom, frustration and dullness...in which case, change counsellor, get everything that’s worrying your mind, out, ask for his perspective also (whether or not you agree with it). try to rekindle the ‘spark’ with date nights etc, but after all that, if he doesn’t reciprocate, or you still don’t feel drawn to him-then Leave. But for goodness sake, don’t ‘act in haste and repent at leisure.’ Try a new angle hun. It takes two to make a relationship work. He is he feeling about you? Is he about to run off with someone else? Would you be jealous or relieved if that were to happen? The answer to that question might also provide insight into what your heart really wants...

I have been battling with this myself, though in my case there has been some emotional abuse. My psychologist friend recommended this book: Too good to leave, too bad to stay by Mira Kirshembaum: https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350. It is helpful.

I am 4 months post divorced and read this book while we were both going to couple's counseling. This book helped clarify a lot of things that led to my final decision of leaving. I highly recommend this book too.

I've found that divorce is something you can never be 100% sure about. Even if there is abuse/drugs/etc. I was in an abusive marriage but the good times were great and kept me married and I still look back on those good times. Maybe weigh the pros and cons, tell your counselor everything, and in the end go with your gut instinct.