Ten years ago I divorced my first husband because he cheated. I felt stronger leaving and empowered by showing my girls that men do not determine our happiness. About a year later I started dating a man I had met in school many years before. He did and said everything right. However, I had two children and an ex who worked in a job the required him gone often, therefore, there were not overnight often and many times plans were broke because of their father going our of town and I had to return to being mom. He was always so understanding and never caused issue about it. We fated about two and a half years and he asked me to marry him. I said no for a long time because I just wasn't ready. Well, I finally said yes and nearly 7 years and a son later, I have figured there are problems that I no longer can see past.

To make it short...

- He was a veteran that self medicated with pills and alcohol. A problem his entire family knew and didn't feel the need to tell me having Teo young chjldren.

- 8 days after we married he disappeared for the first time, which is how I found out everything. His mom told me to change the locks and not let him back in and his dad told me to pack me and my kids up and leave him because he wasn't good for us. Years these people were around us and said nothing.

- While I failed at noticing the alcohol abuse because our lives didn't allow for long periods of time together and gave him the room he needed to hide his problem, I did have some concerns about his behavior but couldn't figure out what the problem was and his entire family talked so negatively about his ex that it seemed impossibly that if things were bad that they'd put all the blame on her. Saying she was controlling, selfish, got what she wanted and left him.

- He was sober for 90 days for the first time when I took my girls to Disney World. By the second day I figured out he was wasted while caring for our 6 month old son and had to have my sister in law and his brother go pick up our son who haf strep and he lost his antibiotic. From 1200 miles away I haf to contact his pediatrician and give authorization to them to give my sister in law another script for him. My husband did not fight it or show concern at all, he literally just handed our son to them and shut the door and returned to his drinking.

- My husband had left me so often that I was able to show him a calendar that showed he only remained sober and home when his daughter was home every other Wednesday and every other weekend for over a year. It continued for another year or so more years before it got to a point that my children recognized his absence so often and knew what he was doing before he finally went to rehab. During rehab he decided to announce at his last meeting in front of everybody that the only reason he went was to get me to shut up. But the entire time he was a leader in his group and loved helping people. I saw it for myself, he was kind and sensitive, how was it possible that he was so apathetic towards me all the time.

- I worked in law enforcement and he told me I only stay with him for money because I am a broke ****** Any name you can think of, I promise you I have been called. Told over and over how he didn't really love me and that my kids, him, and my ex would all be better off if I just killed myself.

- Things were better for about two years until one day he just changed a whole lot. Started telling me he knew I was having an affair and that he could prove it. This went on for months with me proving all his theories and suspicions wrong. At this point I don't even k ow where he believed I haf the time since I was cari g for all four kids and he was always either sleeping or going to the store or hanging out in the garage. Three months went by and then on mother's day he haf woke me up at 4 am to throwing a notebook at my head telling me to identify all the numbers he wrote down out of my phone. Some spam calls, my kids coaches and teachers, and even my boss. No matter what I did, there was always some weird theory and conspiracy he thought of. I wondered where he had done all this and noticed a weird reflection in the air conditioning vent above my bed... I went up to the attic and found web cameras where he haf been watching me for a period of time that is unknown. I then looked through his tool box and noticed his footlocker was unlocked... I opened it and found paraphernalia and white powder that he later admitted to be meth. I was beside myself and kicked him out. He made my mother's day hell calling my parents telling them I was a liar and he would tell them about the real me... Stuff that made absolutely no sense. A month later he promised to stay clean and went another round of rehab. This time he was a lot kinder, he didnt want to risk losing his visitation with his daughter. (But I was in the middle of a major custody battle with my ex when he remarried and tried to get custody of my girls... for his new wife.)

- Right after rehab he came home and was good for awhile, but one day we got into another fight and hr proceeded to tell me that I was the reason he did everything he did. I know this isn't true, but it didn't take the sting of hearing it away. He disappeared and the next morning reappeared while my sister in law haf come to check on me. He said nothing, walked right past us, closed the door and locked us out, sliced open his arm and walked back outside butt naked. He grabbed his anxiety pills out of his truck and downed them. Then he got that terrified look on his eyes and said, "Oh ****, I'm really going to die." My sister called 911 and I went into survival mode without even thinking. I grabbed a towel and wrapped his bicep as tight as I could and held it, I dug pills out of his throat, but the second my sister in law walked into the bedroom to hear the dispatcher over me trying to tell him to be still, I swear on everything I have he stopped freaking out, looked me dead in the eye and kicked me across the living room into the fireplace telling me, "Get the **** off me, ********* The police and EMT got to the house right after and spoke to everybody then took him to the hospital. When we got there we asked to see him but they said it wasn't possible because he said he did not have a wife and listed his mother, whom he hadn't talked to in two years st this point, as his emergency contact. The doctor agreed to see us so we could at least give him the prescription bottle of the medication he took... I saw with my own eyes that he haf taken this entire bottle of pills. I dug pills out of his throat. There are pictures of blood soaked pills all of our driveway, but the doctor said he was confused by my story because his toxicity report shows no drugs or prescriptions medications, only a high alcohol level. That admitted him for a psych evaluation, but determined his story of "accidentally" cutting himself to be valid and released him 25 hours later.

- He again asked for forgiveness and I chose him and I chose to try. For the next year it was fine, but always tense and chaotic. Always catching him and lies and things that just didn't add up. But even I realized it wasn't worth pressing anymore. For the following year he left 3-5 days in a row once a month, I was contacted by his boss three times asking where he was. He told his boss he was living in a hotel once because I kicked him out, but he was in bed passed out and didn't even wake up to call in.

- Last December he asked me to get him an attorney to take his ex to court for parent alienation. I did and supported him and did all the work. He included me in the meeting and his attorney I found asked me to do a bunch of work to organize documentation and information. All that I had, not him. On Christmas Day I went into our closet and tripped over a box I had never seen in there and it was a large box of *****s and varios sex toys I had never in my life seen.. Right after Christmas he said they were serving his ex the following Thursday... He offered the information without me asking anything about it. I thought it strange and out of character so I checked the public records. I kept telling him for a week after the period he said it was supposed to be done that he needs to check with his attorney eyes because nothing is showing up, nor had his ex thrown any temper tantrums like she does. For a solid week he kept lying and compacting the issue until I finally said, "Why are you sticking to.your lje?" He told me it is because he doesn't like dealing with me and he thought it would shut me up. Except I never asked or knew to even ask about a specific filing date because I was not invited to that particular meeting for some reason.

- Two weeks after lying about taking his ex to court he ruined my daughter's 18th birthday. Two weeks after that he left putting the reasoning as being the day of my daughter's birthday I supposedly kicked him and his child out. A) I would never kick a child out; B) It NEVER happened. Every single child witnessed him leaving and cussing me out and flipping me off. But at no point did anybody kick him out. In fact, I cried in front of all of them and begged him to stay and not do this to all of us. He took his daughter to an arcade while all of us had to figure out how to get through a birthday party with our family and friends and explain why he and his daughter are missing without crying.

- One month before he left the older girls confronted him in tears and asked why he left all the time and begged him to stop. He promised he would.

- In January he stole 50 of 60 of my Adderall pills and left me without medication for my ADHD.

- Feb he left and HE filed for divorce with the very same attorney I got him when he asked for me to find him one for his ex.

- He actually kept trying to convince me that I did things I did not do, no matter how much proof I showed him. It always took finding the one thing that made it concrete for him to get mad enough to stop and leave me alone.

- He told me he wanted to work on our marriage, again I was stupid. He was here only one month and as of last night, gone again. Except this time I told him that I cannot do this anymore. He made plans with the kids and me and I paid for tickets and everything, it wasn't until just this past Wednesday that I found out his daughter had a five hour practice that he actually haf the schedule to. Her mother planned, without his permission and during his time, a private practice that was an hour long that she told him about the night before... But it lasted two hours. He didn't answer my call and just left us at home without any explanation or care of our plans.

- I realized the same man that said we needed to be transparent was not at all being that towards me. Several other things but I am tired of spelling it all out because writing it all put I feel so stupid at how obvious his lack of feelings are towards me.

I feel completely hopeless as he he always reminds me that he bought our house and cars and that I can't make it without him. That my kids and I are leaches, but I work full time and make more than him salary wise, but his VA check is what he holds over me. He told me if I went to school it would be $1,000 a month for our family and it would relieve a lot of his stress. So I did. Finished my bachelor's this summer and working on my Master's now. I didn't see a dime of that money until the day he left and I found out from my school that money was actually supposed to be paid directly to me. He never told me. He maid over 18,000 that is unaccounted for, at least for me. He was all supportive of my daughter going to one of the most expensive colleges, she worked her butt off and graduated early, he left the week after she started.

I have an attorney and I did NOT DARE ask for my retainer back or to recant my filing since he did not make any movement on contacting his attorney and request a dismissal like he said he would, twice. But legal advice isn't what I need. I am in counseling and I feel like a broken record going through all of this over and over again and only heating back, "Why would he do that?" I don't know! That is why I am talking to you, but they always seem more interested in my husband's behavior than trying to help me figure out what I need to do. Especially when i realize how many secrets he expected me to keep and live with while he puts me down. Telling me I am an angry person dn that nobody could live with me. I finally broke and said he was **** right I was angry. I was angry that he believed he was some victim in his own crimes and blames everybody but himself for everything that happens. I have seen him use everybody and cheat the system in every place he can. I work 8 hours and he works... maybe 5 after his three hour nap he takes I his truck at work. I also have lupus and he actually told me two weeks ago that he wishes he could inject himself with a disease so he could stop hearing me say I am sick all the time and ask why I still do circles around him. I don't know that one could say anything more offensive to somebody with no choice to a tiresome and sometimes maddening disease. Btw - now raising three kids alone, a full time job, and school full time. Honestly, I guess it speaks more of him than me.

Has anybody been met with anything close to this? I just want to know if this is more common than even I know? Because it is a puzzle that I literally have to give up because he will not allow me to have all the pieces and I am tired of not knowing about things that are greatly affecting my life and the children's lives but expected to act like it is all okay when it is so far from being okay. I actually believe he believes he treats us well and we owe him respect despite the fact that he can't give respect. Double standards everywhere and unexplained turning of the tables when he is confronted with an issue. It is beyond insanity at this point to live with hime because I wake up every single day wondering what he will do today. And when he isn't living here it is always waiting to see when he will demand my attention. I don't know how to describe it.

Any advice, anything will be appreciated.

All the respect, love, and blessing to each of you that actually made it through this!

Hi Kris
You are going Through a lot
Sorry
After sooooo many problems that you are having with this man what is the reason that you are putting up with the same crap over and over again....Even though you think he will change (he tried many times as you can see) He will not change
I would suggest him to see a neurologist to find out why he treats you this way ?
Why won’t you leave?
Is best for you to be alone with your Kids than living with a man that does not respect or appreciate
Wish you Luck 🙏
Take care of yourself and your Kids
You already did so much for him
HE WILL NOT CHANGE

I agree 100%. I actually told him yesterday to go figure out what is wrong with him and leave us alone. I get lost in the guilt of knowing that he has nobody and feel like if the roles were reversed, I'd want somebody to stay and help me through. I just do not believe there is anything else I can do for him. I have tried being patient, ignoring, screaming at the top of my lungs, walking away, loving him through it, and dismissing him from the home completely. No matter the tactic, the result are always, always the exact same.

The best part is when I mirror his behavior at him, he becomes irrirated and tells me that I am a horrible person. I just stare at him. I do tell him I mirroring what he does to me, and would you know that he turns even that and says he acts like he does because of how I treat him? Dealing with him is absolutely mind boggling and exhaustive. I just want to know how prevalent this behavior is? I know all about narcissism, and while he carries some of those traits, there is just something different I can't put my finger on. His control through distorted recollection of events seems very authentic, I think he actually believes what he is saying. He also does care about how people perceive him, but he doesn't really care enough to put any effort into having a big following or anything. He likes his mundane job because he can basically sneak off and sleep when ever. He honestly is just concerned about himself and himself alone.