I am tired.
My job exploits me and stretches my time thin for low wages with lots of responsibility.
My husband walked out of our marriage after almost 40 years. He’s bought himself a house and is happy, travels etc. He boasts about camping trips away, renovations on his new house etc.
I slog at my job, come home to an empty, silent home (our children are grown and live with their partners, so I hardly see them).

The joy has gone out of life for me. I feel rejected as a woman, a wife, a worker and hate my house I’m living in. I bought it as it was literally the only one I could afford. I realise I’m lucky to have been able to purchase a home, but it’s old and needs loads of work which I can’t afford to pay for.

I was married to a narcissist with Aspergers. He socially-isolated me from friends and alienated any family we had (apart from our children). As a consequence, although I have some friends I can chat with via email and the occasional phone call, I am mostly alone. I eat alone, I sleep alone, I wake alone, I walk alone, I watch TV alone, I grocery shop alone etc etc. it’s such a pathetic, sad life I’m living. I’ve lost my Joie de Vivre. There simply doesn’t seem to be any ‘point’ to life anymore. I’ve done all the child-rearing and produced healthy, happy adults. I’ve been the 100% faithful wife who dutifully moved many times to support my ex’s career advancement. I don’t gamble, don’t cheat, am honest, well-educated, well-travelled, loving and loyal and yet my husband has utterly rejected me. I bent over backwards trying to please him. I always deferred to his decisions so as to keep the peace/keep him happy. I’ve lived a relatively frugal life whereas he’s spent tens of thousands of dollars on ‘toys’ for himself-motorbikes, a drone, camera equipment etc etc. There simply wasn’t enough money for the two of us to splash out, so, he took it all and I kept quiet just to see him happy. In fact, he’d go and buy himself things anyway without discussing it. He even ordered a brand new 4 x 4 vehicle without telling me, because it’s what he decided alone he liked.
10 years ago he had affairs. He began contacting women while still living in the family home with me and our children. A true mid life crisis… and left me to raise our children alone. He barely saw them for a year. I forgave him according to my Christian beliefs of forgiveness, and took him back. He initially was kind and loving, but soon after started to treat me like I was a frumpy doormat again. Fast-forward 10 years, and despite him getting changes in our marriage he demanded, he’s now decided to go off motorbiking around the world forever until he’s in his 70s (he’s in his 50s now) and tells me he’s divorcing me as he wants to travel alone. He has Aspergers. A very bright guy with a PhD, but utterly lacks empathy. He can say a terrible thing to me and make me cry and just stand there looking at me but not consoling me, then tells me to stop making so much noise and to shut up, while he throws a hanky at me and then walks off. In fact, sometimes he’ll relax with a cigar while he’s left me in the house a blubbering wreck while he smokes and goes on his iPhone like nothing’s wrong and as if I don’t even exist.

I was so young when we started going out and I’ve been in a relationship with him for most of my adult life. I simply have no self-confidence left in my appearance. In fact, his criticism of me has been so complete over the years, that I now feel like less than a woman. I feel like a frumpy doormat. When I followed the trend and got dermal fillers in my lips to make them lush and pouty-he used that as an excuse to say it felt ‘odd’ to kiss me…and that gave him yet another excuse not to show me affection. I’m a size 14 on my lower half and an 18 on my upper as I have a decent bust size. He however, accused me of having ‘back flaps.’ When I said I didn’t know what he meant, he said I was flabby on my back, but I simply wasn’t. He withdrew from having sex with me a year before he moved out. I have body issues now and would feel shy and embarrassed to undress in front of another man. I’m not flirtatious and honestly just can’t ever see myself knowing how, or being in a social situation where I’ll meet a bloke. I sit at home, smoking myself half to death as a coping mechanism for the anxiety I feel. I’m taking anti-depressants. I watch YouTube videos on how to survive a divorce with a narcissist and many of those help. Although we live apart, he visits me about every 2 weeks. He kisses me (just a peck) on the lips, cuddles me, stays fir a coffee or a meal, or sometimes overnight on the couch, but then always leaves again; leaving me alone. It’s so confusing. He pees in my toilet with the door wide open-it’s like he’s trying to dominate my new space.

I’m not a coward, not anti-social, not selfish, but I’m sad and lonely. I see no point in prolonging this misery, day by day. My work colleagues all go home to partners/all have social plans and family plans. Sometimes I tell slight white lies when they ask what I’ll be doing at the weekend; so I don’t sound like the loner/loser who has no one to hang out with and who will probably binge-watch Netflix for company.

I regard myself as a normal, sensible, friendly and easy to get along with person, but I’m constantly mulling over whether ‘enough is enough’ with all I’ve been put through with him/all the loneliness, all the stress of paying endless bills on my own/not knowing how to fix things in my home. Sometimes, I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. Firs anyone else feel like there’s no point to life anymore and it’s become an endless slog? If so, what strategies do you use to cope?

Thanks in anticipation for any replies 🌸

Hello, Camilla.

First, I want to start by saying that you are never alone and you are so very much loved. I think many of us here know the feelings you are wrestling with currently, I do not believe any single person hasn't crossed a moment like this at least once. I feel like it is important that you know this deep depression does happen to many, even those that are in a good relationship. There is just a point that we all look around us and ask ourselves, "what are we doing with our lives?"

Secondly, I encourage you to listen to yourself when you are telling those "little white lies" about your plans for the weekend. Make a promise to yourself that the next to you do this, you are going to make every attempt in the world to actually do it. Even if you are alone in doing it, the gratifying feeling of knowing that you followed through with something you told somebody you were doing will be great! Even if it starts out slow, just try to make one thing you claim to have planned come to fruition.

Lastly, while speaking to other women on this site is an excellent form or release and not feeling alone, I deeply and respectfully encourage you to search for somebody within your church or a therapist to speak to about these feelings. The reason for this, is getting to be in person with somebody will make you see, feel, and witness for yourself how much you are loved. There is nothing in this world that is worth taking your own life, the ones that will be hurt are your children. Think about all the things in their future that you will miss out on? All the moments they will not have you there to support them and cheer them on.

In conclusion, though you have no idea who I am, I hope you know that I support you, care about you, and know that you are meant for so much more than you are allowing yourself to see right now. You are beautiful and you are needed. Decide that it is time for a full makeover of your life. If you don't like your job, change it. If you don't like you house, work on it. The secret here is not to become overwhelmed by it. One little change at a time. Don't quit your job, but maybe start applying to other places and start putting yourself out there to have more options! Don't get a loan and completely remodel your house, just pick one room, decide on a paint color and paint for a weekend. Go to church, surround yourself be many people, even if you don't talk to any of them at first, being around others can really help get you to take that first step to becoming social a little bit more. Look for a live support group in your community. Many churches have a divorce recovery group, don't be afraid to ask!

I know you can do this. I know you want to be here and I know that you want to love beyond what you know you are capable of. It first starts with counting your blessing and not looking around at what everybody else has that you don't. If the ex is boasting and bragging, do not talk to him. Wait until you are in a better place to handle it. Until then, trust me, you do not owe him your time to listen to it.

Know you are loved!

Kris