Womans Divorce Forum

Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!

Womans Divorce Forum
Start a New Topic 
Author
Comment
Still contemplating divorcing my husband

I'll post my original post below. I think it was a year ago I posted, roughly...since my kids are now 4 and 6. Still here, still married...but back to the same consideration of getting a divorce. Mostly tired of his ridiculous screen addiction. Every mealtime, whether its out or at the house...he's on his phone the whole time. At home its his phone and the TV at the same time. Still doesn't help around the house, still constantly gives the kids their tablets so he doesn't have to deal with them. Most of the time it literally feels like I'm by myself because I'm basically being ignored all the time. Even if he put the phone down I doubt we'd have much of anything to talk about.
Money and less time with my kids are the biggest things holding me back from getting a divorce. Especially with how crazy expensive housing in CO is right now. That and I can't cope with the thought of only seeing my kids half the time. I don't think I can do it. I love my kids more than anything.
My husband's weight is now to the point where he can't do a lot of fun things with the family because of weight limits. Then he complains about it and how fat he is. But he won't do anything about it, and he said he won't.
We don't ever fight, ironically...so we probably could get away with "staying together for the kids" for some time. Yeah, it would really suck for me but maybe it's the best route until the kids are out of the house. I don't know.
I just don't know what to do.
I appreciate this support forum even if no one replies... I have no friends at all so I have no one to talk to.
Thanks for letting me vent again.
:)



********************

Hi... I am contemplating going through a divorce and my therapist suggested joining a divorce support group and that it might help with my decision. I'm 36 years old and we have two kids, a 3 year old girl and a 5 year old boy. My husband and I have been married for 6 years now. Our marital problems started maybe 2 years into our marriage roughly. I was a stay-at-home mom with our son who was 1 at the time. My husband absolutely never ever helped with anything around the house whatsoever - the only thing I had/have power over is his laundry. If he wants clean clothes he better do it his **** self. But still. I was in charge of absolutely everything - I had to do finances, anything that needed done that I couldn't do I would ask my husband - then after weeks of it not getting done I would have to hire someone. I did all the cleaning, dishes, cooking... Yes, I know I was a stay-at-home mom but when EVERYTHING falls on my shoulders it was hard on me. And he'd wonder why I was so exhausted and didn't want to have sex often. (Half the time it was also my anger and resentment towards his unwillingness to do anything around the house). And I'm not talking about expecting him to just know what to do around the house - I mean super obvious things like hey, the nasty dirty dishes are pilling up. Anyone with eyesight can see that it needs done. If I ask him to do things, its always that he'll do them later. And of course, they never get done. Today I work full-time and its still the same - no help with anything.
That's not my only problem... One day I saw sexually flirty texts on his phone to/from a VERY young, female coworker of his. Very inappropriate messages. He blamed me because we didn't have sex enough. I'm like...ummmm you could have TALKED to me about this?? Month later... found a suspicious charge on his PayPal account. Started investigating it when he came to me and told me he paid a girl for nude photos. (Ok, for once thing, WTF...there's TONS of free porn sites these days).
We went to a therapist together, I left feeling everything blamed on me for not having sex enough with him.
We have since somewhat moved on, though its been much harder on me because now that unwavering trust I had in him is completely gone. There are nights I suffer from anxiety and panic because I think he's texting other women or doing hurtful things again.
He also doesn't care one bit about his own physical heath and well being. He refuses to ever go to a doctor, he has put a very unhealthy amount of weight on to the point of being morbidly obese, his teeth are completely rotted and he won't ever go to a dentist.... Yeah you can imagine why I don't really want to be intimate with him anymore.
And my final issue with him is his horrid parenting. All he ever does himself is either watch TV, his phone, or play video games. Sometimes (I kid you not) he does 2 of these at the same time. So naturally his doesn't want to be bothered much by the kids so he'll give them his phone or a tablet. For hours. If I let him, probably almost every day. I never go anywhere or do anything myself because I work hard to minimize the kids' screen time. He sets a horrible example for them. He knows I hate screen time and that stupid tablet. Sometimes I hide it on purpose.

And forget celebrating anything, he doesn't put any effort in at all when it comes to anyone but himself. I didn't even get so much as a "happy birthday" said to me this year. Not even a cake, Nothing. I'm not asking to be showered with gifts, even just having the kids draw me a picture would make me happy.
Many of these things I've nagged about repeatedly. Its always "I'll be better at X,Y,Z...." He'll be better for a week, maybe 2, then it always just goes back to more of the same.

On the positive side of things, at least I'm basically already a single mom. I just have a crappy roommate I'm married to. I'm sure I'll get reamed by some about this post, maybe... I hope not.

I am mostly terrified of a divorce in that I don't make much money with my full-time job. Maybe it would help if I waited until my kids are old enough to not need childcare from my husband's sister - right now she gets $1000 a month to watch both kids all day. Even with child support I don't know how we would afford a place to live and everything. I don't have any family or friends to help me out.
Plus I'm also very scared for the kids - I don't know how badly they would be affected. Right now my husband and I get along for the most part - we don't fight in front of the kids or anything. I could survive for a while longer. But if he ever does anything again to hurt me I WILL get a divorce no matter what, because I deserve better than that.

Anyway, that's my story in a VERY brief nutshell.... I don't know if anyone has even remotely similar circumstances? None of our family or friends even know of the past events, even my husband doesn't know I'm contemplating leaving.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Re: Still contemplating divorcing my husband

I'm sorry you are going through this.
Are you still seeing a therapist? If not, that might help you work through your feelings, choices and options.

The last few years of my marriage, I really just carved out my own life without him. I emotionally distanced myself from him; not necessarily ideal, but it helped me cope. I hate to hear that you don't have a friend group. Are their activities you can do or groups that you can join?

I took an exercise class each week, a spin class, and we talked and chatted alot during class - made some good friends there.

I know it is harder with young children.
Have you met with a divorce attorney? That might be a good place to start. They would be able to talk to you about your legal options, would you be entitled to alimony? How much child support could you expect.

Do you have family close who can support you?
Can you create your own space in your home? Move into another bedroom.

Good luck!
Kelly

Re: Still contemplating divorcing my husband

Hi. Please do not wait. You may become too resentful to see clearly years down the road. I’m living now 25 years later regretting how I feel and did not change my situation sooner. Your children will learn to deal and cope as parents teach them. Must love you and how you are feeling first!! The kids second. Him well he is selfish and let me tell it will become much harder to be emotionally available for your children if you are swallowing pain,anger and tolerating this unacceptable behavior. Love yourself. Think of him as he is weak. Sorry I am looking from the outside in.

Re: Still contemplating divorcing my husband

Hi, I don't have much advice but to offer support. I have been in a divorce/not divorce situation for the past 3 years. I also have small children and worry about what life would be like as a split family. Tonight my husband said he wants a divorce (again) and I think this is finally it. We have argued/discussed divorce many times but somehow talked our way back in. We have only been married almost 6 years and basically roommates since having kids. We argue a lot and can't seem to get along. I am terrified of what this will be like, will I be able to afford our home, will I be able to support my kids, how will I deal with missing them when they are with their dad, how will I handle being a single parent, will this crush my kids? Deep down I think divorce is best, I don't think we were ever compatible, but it still scares me. I am sorry to hear you are still dealing with this a year later. Good luck, neither option is ideal and both will be hard, stay and continue as you are, or divorce and deal with big changes.