Hi Ann, I’m sorry to read about the situation you find yourself in. Reading your post, it’s his attitude that stands out i.e no remorse, no apology and a ‘you’ve got no choice but to accept it if our marriage was to survive…’ attitude, because although you say he ‘asked you’ - really-what if you’d said no? Marriage over?. That’s not an equal marriage situation.
If he was sleeping with you as well as them, have you had tests for any STDs?
I’m glad you respect yourself enough to ditch him! Start looking at ways to generate an income, so you have money for a lawyer. Start your prep work now: Where will you live? What are your legal rights? Who will support you emotionally? How will he react to the news you want a divorce? Who can support you to set boundaries? Given that he seems to push boundaries…
Do lots of research about the divorce process. Gather copies of all financial documentation - income, savings, investments, loans, mortgage etc. These documents will be needed in the near future. Locate your and your child’s birth certificates, passports, medical information, any prescribed medications, your driving licence, school records etc etc.
Unshare your location on your phone (any family accounts), be careful of social media posts, open your own bank account and a PO (mail) box-so any written correspondence doesn’t go to your home address-in case he opens it.
Consider custody arrangements. What will you ask for? 50/50? Weekends only? Think about this carefully because, provided he treats your child safely/doesn’t endanger them-having a custody arrangement might free up some time for you to get a part-time job. Do you think you can make a claim for spousal maintenance (alimony) from him?
Good luck hun. It’s a rocky journey, but the final destination of knowing that you took the reigns to steer your own destiny onto a more positive path, will be well worth no longer having to wonder who he’s with, what he’s doing and putting up with being treated like second or third best 🙏
He didn't care that much about the kids. Since I am a stay at home mom, I have to take care the kids all the day plus cooking, grocery, and everything.
He thought he was the man who earned the money to support the family, so I need to do all the house chores.
We knew each other for 26 years. I trust him until the truth be disclosed. I also noticed he secretly spend or hiding $30,000 or $40,000 during the past few years.
If the money was in a joint account, get bank statements printed out, then go through each one, line by line to see when/how money was spent.
If he’s hidden money, where might he put it or spend it? An expensive vehicle? A boat? How did you ‘notice?’ What piqued your suspicion? Whatever it was, try to trace a ‘breadcrumb’ trail backwards from there.
He usually deposit part of salary into joint account for living cost, but there is significant amount decrease than before.
I did not pay that much attention about the money because I thought he is a trustable guy and we will spend the rest of life together. Until I found his secret ...
Very sorry to hear about your situation- in the book "20 Years Gone: A Divorce Story" (out on Amazon and Google Books), the author, Dorian Wright, experienced similar issues of finding out that their spouse was a different person than whom they thought they had married.
I recommend picking up a copy of the book for tips, and also consulting a lawyer (which is also highly recommended in that book). That author's lawyer also recommended that they keep a daily log of oddities that they were observing, as that documentation could be used as testimony during the divorce hearing.
Thank you!
Our state is no fault divorce, so no matter what he did during the marriage, there was not cost for him.
I will read the book you recommended.
I always worry about him because he always said he was depression. And he always asked free time to go outside by himself to release the pressure . But the truth is, he was not depression at all, he was just happy with many other ladies when he went out alone.