Background; Military to Military couple, no kids. His rank E6, her rank E6. Together 4yrs, married 3yrs.
Recently I took steps to file for divorce from my wife after I discovered that for the last 3 years she had been lying about saving and debt. We agreed that I would pay the bills, and she would save for our future. After I went and applied for a home loan, I asked her to help with closing costs and she broke down and informed me that she had lost a significant portion of our savings experimenting with the stock market. A few days later, when the lender ran our credit I discovered that she had 50K in credit card debt that she had been hiding.
I didn't get emotional, but naturally we had a long and difficult talk, and I informed her of my intention to file for divorce. I'm torn though. As a man, all my life I have been told by my mother and even the military that I am solely responsible for my success in life. That I have to always make the wise and responsible decision. I love my wife to death- she is my best friend. Do I take the hit and deal with this or protect my own interests? What is the wise and responsible move here?
All I ask is that you give the same advice you would give a female friend if the situation were reversed.
You say you love her to death and she's your best friend so why run to divorce court? I understand she broke your trust, but if the two of you love each other, I would think you could work this out and come up with a new plan. Since she made the mistake, maybe she would agree to let you handle the money going forward or at least for a while. When I read that you love her and she's your best friend...I couldn't help but be hopeful for the two of you. I am currently going through a divorce from a controlling, alcoholic narcissist who felt I broke HIS trust just because I told a few of my friends about how he was mistreating me (mental, emotional and verbal abuse). Maybe the two of you could find a financial advisor to help you.
Hi, I'm thinking along the same lines as Marci...
Did she spend the $50k predominantly on trying to use the stock market or...on shoes/his bags and the like? Ie. Did she try to invest for your futures, or did she knowingly squander the money/accumulate debt? If the former, and you love her/are best friends-then what a potential waste of a loving relationship to 'fire her' from being your wife, simply because she made an amateur mistake?!
Yes-It's a lot of money and a big mistake...but no one is perfect are they?
1. Relationship counselling and forgiveness.
2. Shared responsibility for bills/savings and being open, transparent and honest about accounts/balances.
3. Why is it only you applying for the home loan? Keep things equitable: Both apply/both be on the property deed as a joint investment for your shared future (if the property market rises re: Equity). Too much 'silo' thinking has been happening. Share, share, share responsibility and any financial 'wins,' equally and openly. Work on a plan together. Never try to hide any debt from each other. Always both of you feel safe to talk things through; calmly, respectfully and in a joint problem-solving approach.
Please don't 'throw the baby out with the bath water!' If you both love each other and care about one another...work through this. True love is priceless (and more valuable than $50k!)
I don’t think that is something to get a divorce over. If she is apologetic and will help to get it paid, and is willing to get counseling to understand the why, then what’s the problem? No one is perfect. I would gladly take a husband who the only mistake he ever made was with money but was willing to fix it. If you love her and she is your best friend, make it work. Fix the problem and just make sure it doesn’t happen again.