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Bipolar husband

I’ve been with my husband for over 7 years now. We have 2 children together, 3 and 4 years old, and I have an 11 year old from a previous relationship. My husband is the perfect man, kind, loving, all that you would hope for in a husband, but every 1-2 years he has extreme manic episodes. Everything will be fine for about a year, then his symptoms will start to slowly show. When I try to get in front of it with him, he makes excuses and refuses to take his medication. It always ends up to the point of me finding a way to lock him out of the house because I fear for my and my children’s safety. Just to give you a glimpse, last separation i kicked him out for passing out in the car with our child at the gas station because he was too drunk. After kicking him out, within 2 weeks he stabbed his brother in the face and ended up in a mental hospital for a week. Those are the extreme circumstances but I have had to deal with everything in between, lies, cheating, verbal abuse, physical at one point. Each time I let him back in, he promises to stay on his medication. It fails each time.

I finally decided to take the step and file for divorce after he has a huge manic episode at my sons championship baseball game. I love him very much for the person he is when he is in control, but I cannot allow him to keep breaking me like this and I will not allow him to tear my children apart every time.

It hurts very much that I feel like I am leaving him when he needs me to push him, but it’s clear I can’t do anything to help him. I know that. He is such a good person when he is in control, but this other side of him is unbearable. Any advise on how to manage the pain? All I have been able to do so far is try to keep my mind off of him as much as possible, but it’s been hard today.

Re: Bipolar husband

Hi, It sounds as if you're making the right decision. Given that he knows how his behaviours can deteriorate when he doesn't take his meds, yet still takes himself off them-despite knowing that events such as falling asleep in the gas station with your child in the car (and presumably he'd been driving before-hand???) should have scared him into making sure he takes his meds/cuts back on the booze. I think it sounds as if you've tried and tried to stick it out with him. Whilst he's not to 'blame' and the mental health illness is the cause-it none-the-less stands to place you and the children at risk of harm/neglect. How do we know that it won't be you or one of your kids who gets stabbed by him 'next time?' The risks are, sadly, just too high.

You can still feel love for him. Your children can still see him. You can be friends with him if you choose to be-BUT only when he's safe.

Losing the relationship is a loss. You're bound to be feeling lost, confused...even maybe, a little guilty. BUT you've absolutely done the right thing to protect yourself and your children. He, as a grown adult, has a choice whether to take his meds to keep well. Your children however, have no choice in how he behaves towards them. It might be helpful for you and the children to see a counsellor to discuss your feelings and to help the children understand that dad has an illness that makes him behave in certain ways.

It sounds as if you have been through a lot of traumatic events with him, so perhaps some trauma-informed counselling might be helpful for yourself. All you can do is take things one day at a time right now. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that leaving him was probably the kindest, safest option for you all.

Exercise (yoga/walking/swimming), reading, listening to music, meeting with friends, watching a move, having a bubble bath...can all be helpful to help the mind heal and give it space to 'make sense' of what's happened. Hopefully, he is also linked with a psychiatrist who can guide him to live a life in which he is decreasingly having 'episodes,' through psychiatry, medications and perhaps some group therapy for moral support. He may actually enjoy things being more peaceful now-without family members 'buzzing around' him?

Have you spoken with the school counsellor re what happened at the baseball game? It's important your son gets to share, in confidence and in a supportive environment, how he feels about what happened. School kids can be utterly cruel, so it might be helpful if he can practice a few phrases he can say to any potential bullies/have a safe place/person he can go to in school if he's being bullied.