Dear Friends,

I just have to get all this off my chest before it kills me.

About two years ago I found out that my husband of 34 years is on porn and it appears this problem goes back about 30 years.

Back right to the time when my son was about 4 years old. Around this time during a fight my husband told me: you are pretty but not sexy...., this did not make much sense to me as I was 35 years old and quite beautiful. Our sex life was good in my opinion.

I had plenty of lovers before my marriage with litte complaints in this direction. So I just brushed it aside, thinking he just wanted to hurt my feelings.

Now of cause this quote of his makes perfect sense and also the reason for it.

Basically all my married life (with the exception to the first couple of years) I had the feeling that there was something wrong.
Something was missing. He just did not seem too interested in spending to much time with me.

I was lonely a lot and it crossed my mind that he must be having an affair. I started digging, looking, snooping. Never coming up with something except frequent internet connections in our phone
records. This did not make sense either, so I put the whole thing down to paranoia on my part.

At one point I found a letter with a bunch of pictures of a unknown lady in my husbands jacket with an invitation to come and visit her. A couple of weeks later, my husband mentioned that he was thinking of visitig the same place due to work reasons...., I questioned him about his and askded why this gal is sending him pictures of her and he told me it was nothing, just something to do with his work in the holiday/sport sector and this is where he met her in the first place.

Well, this did not sit right with me. But what can you do. My son was about 2 years old..., and I always believed he loved me.
Obviously I must have been mistaken as he promised...!

A couple of years later I introduced him to a friend at work and wow, his reaction reminded me of our first years. He was eating her up with his eyes. Observing this hurt me deeply and I did not bring her around again.

Than one day..., I openend the computer and found myself in the middle of a hot porn scene..., wow I thought our by than teenage son must be into this crap. It never ever occured to me that my husband had anything at all to do with this.

At one point he told me my underwear was not too enticing either, so I bought myself a new stash.

As time went by, I spend more ond more time on my own.
With my husband now working 7 days a week.
I pleaded with him to make time for us but unfortunately he did not change his schedule in the least.

I started to notice that he would spend plenty of time with his female clients, joggging, exercising and so forth. On a daily basis.

He never once went jogging with me. He never exercised with me.

Once cleaning up his car I found female underwear and T-Shirts.

By than the signs were everywhere, him checking out ladies right in front of me. On Youtube when you click on the Home section, always full of ladies with huge behinds,giving me a clue what he was searching and than deleating ...

And than, two years ago, I came home early and there he was,
sitting in front of the computer with his pants down his knees watching porn.
You would think that he would have been ashamed that he was caught, no not in the least.
He just stated: THIS IS MY THING !!
I was in shock.

Well, I thougt probably the first time, no big deal.

Than two days later, same scenario, I came home early and there he was, same thing. Same reaction. Not once did he say he hurt my feelings. I could not hide behind denial any longer.

I checked my computer and several porn sites, and every time he was "welcomed back" as an old client. There were tons and tons of videos that he had watched and right there I knew (or finally acknowledged to myself) that this has been going on for a long, long time.

Than I remembered all I told you before...., and I understood:
Pretty but not sexy. Only now I was 65 years old and not in my early 30.

I understood why he was always too tired to make love.
Why he did not want to spend time with me, as he needed his privacy for his little hobby, that was only his thing.

We had a huge fight and after that made up somehow.

A year later he told me about a male tennis friend and his girlfriend from the States, etc.. I did not pay too much attention until the day he came home totally shocked and told me that his friend died quite unexpectedly. I told him I was sorry for his loss.
He as very upset, hurt and seemed to be griefing for this guy, that I had never even met once.
It now became clear, he had spend quite a bit of time with this person. Going to restaurants etc..
When you are married, would you not introduce your friends to your wife??

A couple of weeks later, I went through our mail and here was
this message of my husband to his dead sports parter:
I miss you and I AM WITH YOU IN MY THOUGHTS !!
Please ladies, let me know your thoughts on this.
I am totally comfused.

Not sure what is going on with me that I let all this happen without packing my things. I just go right into denial after my first angry outbursts.

So now, we decided to move to a new home, like a new beginning.
Beautiful new surroundings. I worked really hard to make everything beautiful for us, our pre retirement cosy home.
Until one morning when I turned on the TV, the last station he watched came on and of course, we were right back to the porn. Right back were we started.
So blind.
So stupid.
So naive.
So hurt.
I have not spoken to him in one month and moved out of the bedroom.
Still not one word that he is sorry.

I promised myself to take one step every day to take me to a better future.
It should be possible to get this done.
Depressed or not.
One step at a time.
10 month to go until retirement.
My own money.
My onn life.
Hopefully.

Kerstin,

It seems like your husband has a porn addiction and most likely has cheated on you. I think you deserve better. Men don't appreciate what they have until its gone.

Don't let yourself be treated like this. No man is worth putting up with the misery and pain he is clearly bringing you.

At your age, you should just be happy. Focus on yourself. Spend time with your friends. Find what makes you happy without him. He will either realize that he doesn't want to lose you and actually change or you will be able to go your separate ways and enjoy retirement instead of living with so much stress, and emotional turmoil.

Kerstin,

Sounds to me like your husband has a severe porn addiction, one he’s had for years. You said 10 months to retirement, would that be you retiring? I am also waiting to divorce my husband, I’ve caught him having an affair, he swore to end it but hasn’t after 2 years. I know he still hasn’t ended it and I can no longer forgive. So, I am waiting until I can manage to be on my own, by the end of this year. I figure, better alone and happy than constantly being lied to and married. If your husband can’t see how this is affecting you and your marriage and takes no effort to get help, he doesn’t deserve your commitment, attention and love.

Good luck

Dear Diane,
thank you for responding to my post.
Well this is not an easy place to be in...., that is for sure.
I feel the worst is the lying..., right in your face...., even when the facts are undisputable. One one hand you want to believe on the other you know he is lying...again. And has been for decades. You feel like you are going crazy, your emotions are all over the place, from depressed to hopefull to anger all happening during the same day. Now my husband is working 7 days a week, not time to do anything together that takes longer than 2 hours. I was begging him to make time so we can repair this somehow, no response on his side. And why should he..., clothes are washed, dinner is on the table, house is clean. So frustrating.
I went through his phone and found telefon numbers about takeout food for Thai and Chinese..., funny he never eats oriental food with me...? Wonder where he takes the takeout food to? If you manage to get through the denial you know where to.
Anyway, yes it is my retirement that is coming up. Now down to 8 month. Some light at the end of the tunnel.
How are you doing? It would be nice to stay in touch.
Hugs, Kerstin