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Re: Anxiety

I understand you, Anxiety. Or maybe I don’t understand you, Anxiety. Maybe I think if I can personify anxiety with a K I will somehow know her.

Today I had lunch to raise money for an event. There are many people who I want to call friends but really were loosely connected by the event to raise money. So I envision myself on the way to the event laughing and making good conversation and scared to death but someone’s going to have heard from someone else that I’m getting divorced (Instead of him telling me he wanted to divorce, he just filed for the divorce and then told his lawyer to tell my lawyer to tell me). I’m still processing this whole idea getting divorced—for a second time, yea. So here it is, divorce. Anxiety. And then the third friend, depression. But it’s interesting to think about anxiety but I’m feeling now because it’s the same anxiety I felt when I was little, the same anxiety I felt when I just couldn’t connect with anybody. But now this similar feeling comes back. Before googling “divorce chat support rooms women,” I began thinking about the trajectory of anxiety as a threat throughout my life and how when I was little I looked for things in a room I could anchor me and act as a ladder or a bridge out of the situation I was in because I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t leave my home, I couldn’t leave my school, I couldn’t leave the playground. So now so much older I’m trying to figure out what is that thing that object that idea that I can exciter that would get me out of this feeling of anxiety or at least help me too maybe make friends with it , capital “A” anxiety.
Or my friends with The small little person who is still inside of us, I was still searching for safety. I’m looking for her, trying to sit quietly and hold her. See this divorce as a new road trip that I can take to create safe place for that littler person inside of me that has some hope still and can still see a few beautiful things—if I just listen and be still.

Maybe then I can make friends with Anxiety…
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