I’ve posted on here before. Around 6 months ago I was adamant I was going to divorce my husband. Have been in counselling for the last 7 months almost. Finding it hard to accept I’m never going to be brave enough to leave him.
My husband is the one who has been taking steroids and caused infertility on his side from the steroid abuse, I also struggle with his political and religious beliefs being so extreme and the fact that he can’t seem to accept that I don’t have the same beliefs as him.
Probably a question for my counsellor, but how do I get closure on wanting to leave him and fully putting that behind me. Has anyone else had to do this. I feel too sorry for him to leave him, I know he loves me I just don’t love him the same. He’s tried to be a kinder person but it doesn’t usually last long and then he is back to acting homophobic and fat shaming people and all democrats are evil etc.
I just need to know how to get over all that and get on with my life again. I feel like I’ve been in limbo the last year and a half just contemplating leaving him. I know I’m never going to go through with that. I feel like it’s a realisation that has finally hit me.
Thanks for letting me vent

It is really a very difficult thing to do ending a marriage. I was married 43 years. I had nothing in common with my ex. He also had extreme views of the world.. He was a good ole boy with all the attitudes the go along with that. He was racist, homophobic and a women was not his equal. Frankly I can’t stand that type of person. I am concerned that you are giving up on the idea of getting out. Try not to resolve to being trapped in this toxic marriage. I think going to a therapist will continue to help you. You can’ t throwaway your life because you feel sorry for him. Does he feel sorry for you.? I just want to say I am reborn now that I no longer have this person in my life. Sounds like you need to save yourself. You can do this if you try. Don’t give up on yourself.

Thank you, Lily, for your response. I have another therapist appointment next Wednesday. I will continue to go, I just worry I’m going over the same stuff every time i see her and not actually doing anything to help myself. No, I don’t think he feels sorry for me. In fact him and his mom continually pray that I will change my views to be the same as theirs. They are visibly uncomfortable that I do not share the same religious or political views they do. Think I’m being brainwashed or influenced by others.
I know I could move on and feel happy, I just know how he is and can’t see him finding anyone else. When he met me, he hadn’t had a girlfriend for over 15 years. Went on a few dates with some women but broke it off with them for silly reasons. They had kids and he doesn’t want to raise someone else’s kids, etc. maybe one day I’ll find the will to be “selfish” and not care about how I would affect his life by leaving. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I admire all of you who have been brave enough to put your own happiness first.

Yes you could move on and be happy. So much of your reasons for not moving forward are about him not you. Does he have the same self sacrificing as you do. My ex was very controlling also. I lost me over the years. Actually I had filed for divorce three times durning our marriage but got frightened and dropped the divorce three times. He actually filed the last time. He immediately wanted to drop it as he said he would be lost without me. I had started to go against him controlling me and he didn’t know how to handle that. He just wanted to bully me into submission. Once the door was cracked I ran through it and never looked back. He was beside himself over losing his wife adult children and grandchildren our family home and on Half assets.. you see in his mind everything was his. Will the court saw it differently and I got half of everything. I will never see or talk to him again ever! I can truly say I am happy now. Goodluck.

Thank you for sharing your story. He is definitely not as self sacrificing as me. I moved here from England for him and I’ve asked him to move back there with me. He will not. He won’t come off steroids for us to have a baby and instead buys fertility treatment off the black market to try to get his fertility back while still using the steroids. It’s a mess. But like your ex husband, he says how much he can’t cope without me and his life would be a mess. I know he does love me but that’s because I am a nice person and he has our life pretty much exactly the way he wants it, until recently where I have started to stand up for myself a little. He is very uncomfortable about that. Keeps saying he wants things to go back to normal. Well, it wasn’t normal for me, I just wasn’t being my true self and keeping my mouth shut about things.
I’m so glad you are happy now and found your escape

Think hard and long before having a child with him. You seem very unhappy in this marriage. He will be the same way with his child as he is with you. Would you want that for your child. If you could go home to England I would and not look back. Even if you could conceive would the steroids and fertility drugs affect an unborn child. I have a autistic granddaughter and that isn’t for the faint at heart. He would have equal say over your child not to mention his mother putting her input into raising your child her way not yours.What about your happiness? He isn’t, the only man in the world. Why do you feel he is more important than you are. You are not responsible for him. I feel so sad for you and fear for your future. Try to find the strength to do what is best for you. It is really hard but you can do it. So many times we think they will change and they never will. Keep seeing your therapist. They can’t make you change but can give you tools to work with to help you get a realistic view of your relationship. Don’t give up on yourself.You sound pretty young which is good. I wasted a large part of my life which doesn’t come back to us. Love yourself.

Thank you Lily. I didn’t see your last response. I am young, ish, I’m 36 and going to be 37 soon. I went back on birth control without him knowing. He’s still using the fertility treatment, so I’m hoping my birth control works hard.
I did recently get the divorce paperwork from a lawyer, I just haven’t paid the retainer fee yet. I’m still scared. I know he is going to trash me and act the victim. Or ask me to go to counselling with him. I just don’t want too. Couples counselling is not going to work for me. We do not share the same values and beliefs. It’s pretty clear to me that I am not allowed to express my atheist beliefs or my more liberal point of view. Him and his mum just think it is the devil and outside influence pulling me away. He wants me to have Christian friends only.
I made a mistake and was friends with a male co worker, he found out about our friendship and now just blames that for me being distant. Because I’m thinking of him. It’s not true. I’m just distant because I don’t love him and I don’t like the way he thinks and feels about things and he can’t meet my emotional needs because he does not let me be myself and be my own individual person.
For now I’m holding onto the paperwork and trying to be brave enough to pay the retention fee and move forward with things.